Season 4, Episode 22, “Stephanie Plays the Field”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Danny asks Michelle to help him put away the groceries and then she tries to sneak the cookies out of the kitchen by conspicuously stuffing them under her shirt.

This episode starts off on full blast with the return of Rusty, who’s sitting in the kitchen in his baseball uniform while Danny uses a bat to demonstrate how to clean santorum from your penis.  I think Danny’s just trying to give practical, patronly advice but you can tell that Rusty’s pretty aroused by the intense way he’s staring at Danny.

As if that wasn’t a boner-popping enough opener already, Stephanie comes home to show off Brett, the latest hot piece of ass she’s scheming to get with.  Like all secondary Full House characters, Brett is completely defined by a single characteristic (as opposed to the main characters, who can have up to 4 characteristics), which is his love of baseball.

After Brett leaves, Rusty tries to make fun of Stephanie for swingin’ on Brett’s nuts so hard but she’s pretty unashamed.  She starts to wonder how she might trick Brett into becoming her boyfriend and DJ offers up some advice even though it’s been clearly established repeatedly on this show that DJ is a total fucking dud with boys.  Seriously, it’s one of her 4 characteristics.  Anyway, DJ gives classic advice from a teenage girl with no self-esteem, which is that since Brett likes baseball so much she should join the baseball team.

Jesse unveils the new attic apartment to Becky.  How’d they get a piano up there?  Just as Jesse lowers the electric murphy bed for some hot fucking, Michelle walks into their room and demands attention.  Amazingly, the thought of tapping Becky’s sweet, sweet ass on that electric murphy bed is alluring enough for Jesse that he’s actually willing to deny Michelle’s demands for attention.  Holy shit, you guys, that’s like a miracle!  That’s seriously the first time in the history of the show that one of the kids’ demands for attention was not immediately, uncompromisingly met right away.  That just goes to show, once and for all, that pussy is magic.  Even on Full House, pussy is magic, and therefore it is true of all places.

After Michelle gets the straight up boot from the attic apartment, she walks into Joey’s room and tells him that she’s hella pissed.  Honestly, based on everything I’ve seen, I can’t say I’m at all surprised that she would totally flip out when someone actually denied her demands.  For her, trying to understand that everyone’s not just going to do whatever she wants all the time is like trying to get her to adjust to living in the ocean or something.  It’s just totally unfeasible.  Anyway, Joey allows her to interrupt his attempts to do his income tax, which is a pretty silly thing for him to be doing since he’s unemployed and lives in Danny’s house for free.  Honestly, there’s no way Joey’s bringing in more than like 3 grand on an annual basis.  Also, why isn’t anyone else doing their taxes?  He’s not doing them for the house, yet he’s the only one doing them.  Anyway, Michelle’s inquisition into why she’s unwelcome upstairs leads to a series of sexual innuendos, which is something they used to do pretty often in the early episodes but gradually stopped as the series has gotten cornier and more g-rated.

So, for pretty much no reason at all, Joey agrees to go back to the attic with Michelle to give Jesse and Becky a hard time for wanting to have sex in their room.  Man, bringing a little girl into a newly married couples room has gotta be the most legendary cock-block in the history of salty guys who never get laid.  Can this be a new all-time low for Joey?  It’s just so hard to tell anymore.

So, even though Jesse’s standing there in a silk bathrobe with his boner poking out, Joey just totally rails on him for not hanging out with Michelle whenever she wants.  I was really hoping that Jesse would fly into a boner-rage from his constantly interrupted lust and beat Joey to death, but you know what?  I’ve wished for Joey to get hurt or die so many times now, and it just never happens.  I don’t know, you guys, I’m starting to think that dreams don’t come true after all.

Anyway, Becky explains that they don’t want some ugly kid hanging out in their room when they’re gettin’ it on so she needs to back the fuck off when they say so, but they’ll make a designated time for her to hang out with them each day so she won’t be such a needy pain in the ass.  It’s nice to know that even though Becky forsook her mental well-being to move into the full house and be married to Jesse, she can still offer up a reasonable solution to a problem every now and again.

Ok, so, just because why not, Danny is the coach of Rusty’s little league team, the Giants, which Stephanie wants to try out for so she can have more in common with Brett.  Danny has her throw the ball to him 2 whole times in the backyard before deciding that she’s totally amazing and should pitch for the team.

At breakfast Danny mentions that he’s gonna let Michelle be the bat boy at the game and then she comes down in a full on batman costume.  Is that weirder than those times she got a wig from out of nowhere?

Brett comes over to talk to Stephanie and she totally drools all over him but then for some reason he says he’s into her and that he wants to be her boyfriend.  And just like that, Stephanie finds herself a new man!  Hey, that reminds me, whatever happened to her old boyfriend, Harry?  That kid was rad.  He just disappeared, never to be mentioned again.  Did he die?

Anyway, as Brett’s leaving the full house he mentions that he’s pretty intimidated by the legends he’s heard about those 2 pitches Stephanie threw in the backyard and that he’s gonna be humiliated in front of his family if he loses the game their upcoming game.  Just when I started to get a sense that maybe Brett was up to something here, he straight up asks Stephanie to throw him some easy pitches so he can win the game because they’re boyfriend and girlfriend now.  Damn, Brett, I thought your love was for real.

Stephanie strikes a bunch of kids out on Brett’s team, the Cubs, in-between frequent shots of the various full house occupants who are all hanging around the game, including Joey who’s the announcer for some reason.  Who ever even heard of a little league game having an announcer?  What, is he supposed to be doing a radio broadcast or something?  My guess is that Danny just gave Joey a table and a broken microphone to keep him busy so he wouldn’t just sit around the full house by himself and eat all the waffles while everyone else was at the game.

Eventually Brett goes up to the bat and there are a bunch more quick reaction shots, including a really great one of Brett’s Dad, who shouts, “come on, Brett, don’t let me down!”  You can tell it means so much to him!

Stephanie, understanding that she really doesn’t have anything else to offer in a relationship, throws an easy pitch to Brett, who scores a home run.  After a time lapse, we get to see Stephanie at the bat as she scores a hit but is tagged out at first.  At the sight of this, Jesse becomes all belligerent, runs onto the field and starts yelling into the umpire’s face.  Jesus Christ, you can’t invite these fucking people anywhere.  Imagine if you were some other kids dad and you went to one of these events that the Tanner family attended.  You’d be like, “can’t my kid just present his science project or whatever without Danny being the judge and Stephanie giving a big speech about not cheating or something in front of everyone and Joey rubbing up against all the single mothers?”  Every time they showed up to anything, you’d be so pissed.

Anyway, they cut to the final moments of the game and I totally didn’t see this coming but Brett’s up to bat again as Stephanie pitches.  Amping up the tension, there’s another shot of Brett’s dad, who says, “come on, son!  It’s all up to you!”

I kept expecting there to be Brett’s elderly Grandfather or his little brother who had cancer sitting there next to his dad to raise the stakes, or maybe a sense that Brett’s dad was gonna beat him if he didn’t win, but the story of Brett’s dad is a simple one.  He has a camera, and he wants his son to win.

Stephanie throws 2 strikes to Brett and then he gives her a look like, “damn, girl, I thought it was you and me,” which leads Stephanie to call a time-out.  Danny asks her whats up and she says she needs to talk to DJ because, “it’s a woman thing,” which leads Danny to believe that it’s about periods so he calls DJ right over.  So then DJ comes over and gives Stephanie counseling about boys while a whole bunch of other kids’ families sit in the bleachers wishing that they didn’t live in the same school district as the fucking Tanner family.

DJ tells Stephanie that she has to choose between true love or self-respect to decide if she’s gonna strike out Brett and then there are a bunch more shots of all the characters, including another one of Brett’s dad, who takes his hat off with anticipation.

Stephanie strikes Brett out and there are a lot of enthusiastic reaction shots.  I was hoping we’d get to see Brett’s dads’ reaction, but I guess the folks in the editing room decided to leave us wantin’ more.  Anyway, Stephanie is praised by her teammates but she sees Brett looking all sad and feels shitty.

Later, Stephanie sits in the backyard of the full house and expresses her woes to Comet.  Brett walks up to her and congratulates her on her victory and she asks if he’s pissed at her.  Brett explains that he realized that asking her to throw the game was a shithead thing to do and, besides, if he wanted to win so bad he wouldn’t have played for the Cubs, then they go inside for a nooner.

The moral of the story is: pussy is magic.

Firsts:  The attic apartment (completed), one of the kids is denied attention, Brett

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60 Responses to Season 4, Episode 22, “Stephanie Plays the Field”

  1. Teebore says:

    Ah, the episode where Stephanie has to throw a baseball game for love. That’s pretty much a sitcom staple now too, isn’t it? Some (usually tomboy-ish) girl gets put in a spot where she has to choose winning a game or making her crush/boyfriend happy?

    Also, speaking of innuendo, hilarious title to this one.

    DJ offers up some advice even though it’s been clearly established repeatedly on this show that DJ is a total fucking dud with boys. Seriously, it’s one of her 4 characteristics.

    I see what you did there… 🙂

    Anyway, DJ gives classic advice from a teenage girl with no self-esteem, which is that since Brett likes baseball so much she should join the baseball team.

    Didn’t DJ learn this lesson from the time she pretended to like cars so a boy would like her? I guess this is a more reasoned “common interest” approach, and Stephanie does turn out to somehow be good at baseball, but still.

    Also, now that I think about it, was it common for girls to be on Little League teams back then? Like, with boys, and not in there own softball leagues with other girls? I honestly have no idea.

    How’d they get a piano up there?

    Good point. I also really hope they reinforced the attic floor, or else that piano is going to come crashing down on someone (hopefully Michelle).

    Also, why isn’t anyone else doing their taxes?

    Maybe Danny and Aunt Becky, being high-falutin’ TV personalities, have an account do theirs, and they haven’t bothered to offer his services to Joey (they do so much for him already….).

    …she comes down in a full on batman costume.

    Between this and DJ’s Joker costume, did someone on the writing staff really love Tim Burton’s Batman, or were they just trying to tap into the cultural zeitgeist?

    …including a really great one of Brett’s Dad, who shouts, “come on, Brett, don’t let me down!”

    Dude, it’s an effin’ Little League game. Unclench. The kid’s not playing in the World Series or anything.

    Unless, of course, he bet heavily on this game, in which case, Brett, don’t let him down.

    a whole bunch of other kids’ families sit in the bleachers wishing that they didn’t live in the same school district as the fucking Tanner family.

    Hahaha!

    and, besides, if he wanted to win so bad he wouldn’t have played for the Cubs

    Zing!

    Like

    • Teebore,

      I presume Danny does his own taxes – there was a prior episode when Danny was bequeathing his tax preparation secrets upon one of the uncles. I forget whom.

      More likely, Joey filed for an extension because he’s a lazy ass. Or even more likely, Joey DIDN’T file an extension and is unwittingly filing his taxes late. I hope he gets a bunch of fines and a deep, anal probing audit.

      Also, would he even have to pay taxes on his paltry $3,000 annual income?

      Like

      • Jonny says:

        My assumption is that Joey isn’t actually doing taxes. Danny probably just gave him some blank forms to fill out to keep him busy so he can stop fucking up everyone’s lives all the time. You know, kind of like the fake microphone thing.

        Like

    • Teebore, yes very common for girls to be on Little League teams. I’ve been a baseball umpire since 1986, and there always seems to be one or two girls in every league, every year. They are usually pretty good players too!

      Like

    • Martin Tanner's Ghost says:

      In the irony of fate, that piano will come crashing down through the floor on top of Uncle Jesse while he’s enjoying some fried chicken. In a flash, he will understand that his fruitless music endeavors have proliferated to this one moment where it was an aspect of his passion for music that led to his immediate downfall all because he wasn’t wise enough to see sooner that he was not meant for music. On his dying breath, he will utter his final words: “Have mercy.”

      Like

  2. Suzanne says:

    earlier this week Biography aired their show on Full House and it really explained a lot. Apparently the creator needed to pitch something, anything, to get his dough for a couple of awesomely horrible ’80s movies, so he cranked out House of Comics about three comedians living together and their crazy hijinks. The network wanted a family show so he added 3 blonde girls and voila! Finally, some explanation of why Joey existed. The Bio is worth watching, dave coulier pathetically wishes the show was still running and the exec producer is pretty upfront about the show sucking.

    Like

    • Allison says:

      DAMN. How could I have missed that episode of Bio? D:

      Like

    • Zozo says:

      I’d just like to take this moment to write a message to any of the cast members who might be reading this: This blog is not a direct attack on you. This show is a pop culture icon, and so you must be prepared for the pros and cons of such an honor. One of the cons (or pros, depending on how you look at it) is that there will be jokes and parodies made of the show. This happens to all cultural icons (i.e. the Harry Potter phenomenon, etc). We’re not picking on you. Some of us (including yours truly) enjoyed the show during its’ extensive run, and we still do. But I see no harm in poking a little fun for the purpose of entertainment. And if your own producer acknowledges the corniness of the show, I think you all can stand to take a little teasing. After all, it’s your character and not you. Mad love for you all, so please if you read this, just chill and enjoy the fact that people are still thinking about you and your show 15-some-odd years later. Only a few other shows can claim that. Peace..

      Like

  3. Ryan says:

    I wonder if Brett’s dad killed him after he lost another game, because we never see him again.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. RachWho? says:

    Sweet fancy Moses, Stephanie’s denim atrocity in that 3rd screengrab there is making my eyes bleed.

    If I am not mistaken, doesn’t Joey tell Michelle that Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky are “doing their taxes” alone in their apartment and then gives her an estimate of how often this activity will occur? Damn, why am I dying to know what Joey’s idea of ideal sex frequency is for newlyweds?!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Pete says:

    “My guess is that Danny just gave Joey a table and a broken microphone to keep him busy so he wouldn’t just sit around the full house by himself and eat all the waffles while everyone else was at the game.”
    That would’ve been an awesome idea.

    DJ finally gives some good girl-to-girl advice at the end. For once.

    And yeah, pussy is magic, especially Aunt Becky’s.

    Like

  6. furburger says:

    DUDE.
    1. how DID they get that piano up there? That seems like the perfect foundation to another 1.5 dimensional episode filled with music puns and crazy hijinks! we missed out, yo.
    2. i remember the shit outta this episode. The drama was way heightened b/c Brett totally carved like “Brett ❤ Steph" on his bat and would turn the bat so she could see it before she pitched. That combined with Brett's dad TAKING HIS HAT OFF brought the high intensity.
    3. Great post, thank you!

    Like

  7. Kimbertron says:

    http://www.flickr.com/photos/wishbook/3564717888/in/set-72157618649199258/

    Dear EVERYONE,

    Buy me this Michelle doll for Xmas. It will complete my Full House altar.

    You Got It Dude,
    Me

    Like

  8. kimmie says:

    You left out the greatest aspect of that brett,….brett, brett” and that he wrote her initials on his bat…and by bat i mean…

    Like

  9. Larry Cooper says:

    Why did DJ tell Stephanie to even join the little league team to appease a boy’s interests? Didn’t DJ come clean a few episodes back and tell that car-dork she really didn’t like cars, and that he wasn’t worth her time if he didn’t like her for her?

    Like

  10. kimmie says:

    sorry computer cut me off and made me incoherant…her heartbeat was “brett brett….brett brett”

    Like

  11. Kayla says:

    “if he wanted to win so bad he wouldn’t have played for the Cubs”. hahaha love it. Also, are you sure Michelle was wearing a wig in the hole in the wall episode? I really think that was her own hair all teased. Though it’s just as ridiculous that she was supposed to disappear for a few minutes and do her own hair or something.

    Like

    • kp199 says:

      Yeah, it looked like it was her hair, only ass tousled and curled. But yes, either way, it’s hilarious that we’re supposed to assume she got herself all dressed up like that at age four. I can’t even do that at age 23.

      Like

  12. PuppetDoctor says:

    I love how you were ragging on the Tanner family showing up to different events. Anywhere they go they need to make everything into a big freaking deal. Especially Jessie who I am surprised actually stood up for Stephanie. I thought the man only loved Michelle.

    Like

  13. erin says:

    “…but the story of Brett’s dad is a simple one. He has a camera, and he wants his son to win.”

    This has probably been my favourite review yet. Fuckin’ Tanner family.

    Like

  14. Lisa says:

    I remember watching this episode as a young lass. I didn’t know what taxes were and I didn’t understand the sex reference but I loved it anyway.

    Michelle: “Are they going to do their taxes all night?”
    Joey: “For the first couple of months.”

    Like

  15. kp199 says:

    Are we supposed to assume that months have passed since we last saw the Tanners, because NO way in hell did Jersey finish all of that in a few days. The producers must believe that they’re studio audience is stupid as hell. And honestly, it can’t be far from the truth.

    I will say though, I loved that the Tanner’s were San Francisco Giants and 49ers fans, but other than that, they had horrible taste in everything.

    Like

  16. Riggins says:

    I am sensing a new chapter in the miserable story that is Uncle Joey. As pointed out by Billy Superstar with the announcer table at the Little League game, I believe the Tanners are giving fuckhead Joey inconsequential task to make sure he is occupied at all times. Between doing his income taxes & announcing the little league games Joey was involved, but not a focal point. This will become more evident in later episodes with the Mr. Woodchuck show & The Rush Hour Renegades. They must have let him unoccupied too long for him to purchase a stolen car for DJ’s B-Day. It all works out in that episode as the cast spend most of the episode explaining how much Joey sucks and is worthless.

    Like

  17. Kya says:

    I always thought Rusty had a thing for Stephanie. I always wanted to know, does Rusty have a last name? And Cindy and Rusty just leave the series for no reason, what happened to them?

    Like

  18. KK says:

    I am new to this blog – only found it a couple days ago. Brilliant stuff. Must say I’m glad I found after I finished taking the bar. Also: no one commented on the subtle and awesome inclusion of ‘santorum’ noun-form. So allow me to do so – Well done sir.

    Like

  19. Barnes says:

    This is up there with ‘eat the peanuts outta my shit’!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA

    My guess is that Danny just gave Joey a table and a broken microphone to keep him busy so he wouldn’t just sit around the full house by himself and eat all the waffles while everyone else was at the game.

    Like

  20. “Jesus Christ, you can’t invite these fucking people anywhere.”

    LMFAO funny, but also very true! If I were stefony, I’d be so imbarresed! Immagine what the other families must think of these fucking people!

    Like

  21. hey, these people can’t help the way they are, they are cursed! the full house is an evil evil place that does terrible things to people! Remember how sexually dick-hardening rebecca used to be? ever since she moved into the full house, she is not as hot! she is under the curse of the full house! the full house is an evil, evil place! who’s next! the rust-man?

    Like

  22. I also hope that piano comes crashing down (on michelle!)

    Like

  23. the fans must be on crack!

    Like

  24. this is not proformed infront of a live studio audiance it’s a laugh track otherwise noone would laugh (except at how stupid it is)!

    Like

  25. funniest review out of all of em sofar billy!

    Like

  26. I hate this show with a passion!

    Like

  27. only good character is rebecca-dick hard!

    Like

  28. I like the show until they bring out michelle.

    Like

  29. joey gets a blowjob.

    Like

  30. The Venerable Bede says:

    “My guess is that Danny just gave Joey a table and a broken microphone to keep him busy so he wouldn’t just sit around the full house by himself and eat all the waffles while everyone else was at the game.”

    Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant. So brilliant.

    Like

  31. Megan says:

    ohhh Steph has her 1st bf and he is cute. i always loved Stephine.

    Like

  32. Megan says:

    i just realized something . The guy that plays Brett also is on the movie Calender Girl from 1993 . wow the 90’s good times.

    Like

  33. BOTR says:

    The only part of this episode I remember is the “do their taxes” talk and that’s only because they used it in a flashback episode a season or two later.

    Like

  34. Livvie says:

    ” Brett explains that he realized that asking her to throw the game was a shithead thing to do and, besides, if he wanted to win so bad he wouldn’t have played for the Cubs, then they go inside for a nooner.”

    LMAO! Poor Cubs. I think Brett dumped get after she repeatedly struck him out cause we never see him again. Also, this was Rusty’s final episode, thank God.

    Like

    • Livvie says:

      I think Brett
      dumped get after she repeatedly
      struck him out

      wth did my phone do? That should say I think Brett dumped Stephanie after she repeatedly struck him out.

      Like

  35. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    Why do ball players have to wear high socks? It just wears them down when they’re playing (insert sport here).

    Also, I seem to find a constant connection with angry lesbians who rock out to Tegan and Sara and the sports that they play. But I also find that most lesbians now like Cuntry Muzak.

    I’m sorry. What was going on with Dawn this week?

    Like

  36. Mel says:

    Brett is Rocky from the second 3 Ninjas.

    Like

  37. Kebert Xela says:

    Hey Full House Reviewed,

    I’ve been catching up on the blog and it’s hilarious. Great work! This reply is a few years late but I came across a dub someone did of this episode that I think everyone here might enjoy. it had me cracking up.

    Like

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