Season 5, Episode 20, “Driving Miss D.J.”

Well, here we are again.  Another week, another Full House review.  I wonder if this episode is going to be any good.  What do you think, everybody?

Pre-Credits Gag:  Joey tries to convince Michelle that Mr. Woodchuck can actually talk but she figures out that it’s bullshit.  He admits that he was just trying to trick her and she says, “duh!”  Man, she says that like every episode.  I have no memory of that being a thing on this show but it’s actually like her #1 catch phrase.  Well, shit, I guess I should feel good about watching every episode of this shitty garbage every week because now I know things like that.

Becky tells Jesse that she wants to have a family picture taken but he refuses because he always has to give her shit any time she wants to do anything, even something simple like this.  He finally agrees to do it under the condition that the kids look “cool,” which is pretty much going to end up exactly how you think it will.

DJ comes home with her new learners permit and wants Danny to let her take the car out.  Danny is clearly reluctant to help her learn to drive but is eventually persuaded into giving her a lesson.

Stephanie is hanging out with her friend Rita when Michelle comes in and interrupts them by being a big attention starved asshole.  Rita is like the most amazing friend in the history of the show (excluding Kimmie Gibbler, of course.  She’s more than a friend.) because she has these really emotive reactions the second anything happens.  She’s really working hard for that $45 a day (plus craft services) that her Mom’s going to spend immediately.

So Michelle wont leave Stephanie and Rita the fuck alone so Stephanie tells her that she’s going to summon the “hairy, scary monster.”  Michelle gets freaked out and runs to Joey’s room so she can bother even more people with her stupid bullshit.  Joey explains that there’s no such thing as the hairy, scary monster and that Stephanie just told her that because she’s an annoying pain in the ass.  He tells her that she should learn a lesson from all of this but she just proclaims that she’s going to seek revenge instead, which Joey makes no effort to discourage.

Danny’s obsessive compulsive disorder really flies off the charts when he tries to teach DJ how to drive.  It’s kind of refreshing to see an episode that focuses on what a bad father Danny is.  I feel like he’s gotten off kind of easy a lot of the time, especially in the earlier Seasons when he was the only one with a job.  But, no, Danny Tanner is a terrible father with horrible kids, and don’t you ever forget it.  His compulsions don’t end with his constant irresistible drive for cleanliness.  He’s also a controlling weirdo, and completely incapable of giving his daughter simple driving instructions in an empty parking lot without getting into a big shitty argument and then driving home all pissed off.

So, yeah, naturally, Jesse dresses his kids up like biker guys for the family portrait.  Becky doesn’t even get mad because at this point she’s just totally resigned to a lifetime of this shit.

Danny and DJ enter the full house and continue their big argument about driving instruction.  Jesse interjects and accidentally volunteers himself as DJ’s new driving instructor in the process.

Rita and Stephanie read a trashy teen magazine article about Doogie Howser’s most intimate secrets, which is a pop culture reference that has aged like a fine wine.  Michelle comes in and starts being a big pain in the ass again so Stephanie brings back her hairy, scary monster routine.  After she fails to summon the monster, Michelle’s like, “what now, bitch?” so Stephanie opens their door in protest, only to find a monster behind it.

So obviously the monster was Joey, which makes me wonder yet again what the fuck this guy is doing still living in the full house.  He’s a grown man who even has a good job now, but for some reason he totally wants to sleep in a shitty room that shares a hallway with a bunch of young girls.  Why?  I don’t know.  I guess because he couldn’t pass up on all these choice opportunities to do things like scare the shit out of them, or to show them his terrible impressions, or enforce heavy-handed morals onto them.  I don’t know, man.  What a stagnant, facile character.

Wait, Uncle Jesse’s got a baller ass Mustang?  Since when?  That’s totally new, right?  I remember that Danny had a real fancy car in that episode where Jesse accidentally wrecked it, and I remember Joey inexplicably having a fancy car in that one episode where Stephanie ran it through the kitchen, but I don’t remember Jesse ever having a fancy car.  It’s almost like there’s some sort of pattern forming here, but I can’t quite figure out what it is just yet.  Well, anyway, Jesse starts spouting this real Zen approach to driving and tells DJ to be cool and feel the car and shit like that.  About 5 seconds after she starts driving, she makes a real bad turn and scrapes the shit out of the side of the car.  Oh!  I get it now!  The dads on Full House get a car when someone needs to fuck it up!

Back at the full house, DJ works really hard to make both Jesse and Danny feel guilty about not being more supportive of her driving.  She never once acknowledges that she just totally fucked up Jesse’s car.  Danny tells her that it’s hard to see her grow up and all that shit and then both Danny and Jesse agree to work together to teach her how to drive.  Seriously, though, she just totally fucked up Jesse’s car.  I think that there should be repercussions for that.

Gentle music plays as DJ drives for the first time and I guess we’re supposed to feel all sentimental, like she’s really growing up now, but fuck that shit, man.  DJ can eat my ass.

Firsts:  Jesse’s Mustang, which we’ll totally never see again; DJ drives a car