Well, here we go. Season 6. Thanks goes out to FHR fan Rachwho, who purchased these Season 6 DVD’s so we could all share in this misery instead of working hard at our jobs. Rachwho, these next 26 weeks are all your fault.
Pre-Credits Gag: We are introduced to the new ugly babies who will be playing Nicky and Alex as Jesse argues with Aunt Becky about cutting their hair. I guess it makes sense that he’d be neurotic about his kids’ hair because hair care’s, like, his whole thing, but really I think that he just gets off on disagreeing with his wife about everything. Anyway, the scene ends with Becky and Michelle mussing up Jesse’s hair, because that’s what that fucker gets.
A new Season brings us new changes to the opening sequence. It’s mostly the same, except for a few choice details. The girls’ all have a new character shot for their credit, presumably because they age so conspicuously each Season. These character defining shots feature DJ whorishly applying make-up in her room, Stephanie doing an embarrassing white-people dance, and Michelle playing tug-of-war with the dog.
Thankfully they kept that shot of Lori Loughlin bending over and showing us her ass, which I’ll really miss if they ever get rid of it, unless she’s wearing short shorts and grinding her pelvis in the new one or something.
There’s also a new character in the opening, played by Scott Wienger. Viewers of Full House might have been intrigued or even perplexed by this when it first aired, but if you’re some guy who reviews every episode of Full House each week on a blog then there are no such surprises because everyone always tells you what’s going to happen next in the comments section. So this is Steve, DJ’s boyfriend, who I’m pretty sure is the last major character to be introduced in the series, and who was also the voice of Aladdin in that Disney cartoon.
Oh yeah, one last thing that I was really annoyed at myself for forgetting to mention in my Season 5 Reviewed post is that Joel Zwick directed pretty much every episode (which he continued to do, including this one). I was intrigued by who this poor son of a bitch could possibly be so I looked him up and apparently he’s just some hack tv director. He directed a bunch of Laverne and Shirley’s, then a bunch of Webster’s, then a bunch of Perfect Stranger’s, then about a zillion episodes of Full House and quite a few Family Matter’s as well. But what really surprised me is that he also directed My Big Fat Greek Wedding, which, if you remember it at all, was quite the comedy phenomenon back in the Summer of 2002. That movie was a huge hit when it came out but has since fallen off the cultural radar, largely because it was the first post-9/11 fluff comedy, which was something people really needed at the time. All of this leads me to conclude that Joel Zwick is some sort of master of mass-manipulation, and has an uncanny ability to cash in on people’s need for disposable comedy at inopportune periods in their life. Joel Zwick preys upon the weakness of an emotionally hungry society. He is the devil.
Speaking of being emotionally hungry, Jesse checks Billboard magazine and is dismayed to discover that his cover of “Forever” has dropped to #99 on the singles chart, even though it’s a fucking miracle that it’s on there at all.
Stephanie and Michelle enter the scene all excited to meet DJ at the airport as she returns from Spain. They pour over a postcard she’s sent earlier, which promises a big surprise that their self-centered minds could only interpret as a guarantee of presents for them.
As the family all assemble to pick DJ up from the airport, Joey comes down with a sob story about meeting some cooze at the beach and losing her phone number. Well, at least he’s sporting his least offensive haircut so far. Don’t get me wrong, I still fucking hate that fool, but at least he’s slightly less painful to look at.
Speaking of pre and post-9/11, remember when you could just go right up to the gate at the airport? It sure helped it make a lot more sense to have a whole episode of a tv show take place inside of an airport terminal. While the family wait for DJ to arrive, Jesse assumes that a woman who approaches him wants his autograph but she’s actually just returning a pen that he’s dropped. For some reason this really sends Becky over the edge and she actually starts shouting, not just at the pen returning woman but pretty much to everyone in the terminal, about how big and famous Jesse is going to be and how sorry they’ll be for not kissing his ass that minute in the airport. Man, remember when she was the most sensible character? I guess that when you’re married to a completely worthless failure you’ll take any opportunity to willfully deny it.
Joey attempts to reconnect with the cooze from the beach by asking information to look up approximations of her name as he drudges them up from his memory. He expresses his frustrations at being unable to find her by doing Popeye impressions until the girls grab him and tell him that DJ’s plane has landed.
Kimmie Gibbler comes off of the plane first and as the family tell her to fuck off they notice a couple of teenagers doing some real gross making out right in front of the gate and then, oh shit! One of them’s DJ!
I guess one thing that changed about DJ when she was in Spain is that she finally got some fuckin’ game. Also, her hair got pretty long. DJ introduces her new boyfriend, Steve, with the timeless terminology, “we’re going together.” The girls are pretty pissed that Steve is the surprise instead of the presents they were expecting and Danny has a reaction that’s somewhere between jealousy and outrage.
DJ reminds everyone that they’ve met Steve before because they went out a few times last year, which is actually true since Steve appeared in at least one previous episode. I find it amazing that this show, with its countless disregarded love interests, would actually make a point of recalling someone. Maybe it’s because Steve is the first real male love interest and that total disregard is only directed at women.
The family give Steve enough of a cold shoulder that he decides to take off to go find his own family. After he leaves, Danny takes DJ aside and she gets all pissed at him for being embarrassing and then Danny straight up says, “I’m sorry, I just thought when you’d be getting off the plane, you’d be kissing us.” Say what!??! Man, the parents/children kissing on Full House has gotten totally out of control! At least it provides an easy explanation as to why Danny’s being so shitty about DJ’s new boyfriend.
Meanwhile, Stephanie pops a huge boner for some kid from an international children’s choir. He says that he’s about to get on a flight to the choir’s next gig and asks if she wants to see him off and her feelings of neglect from DJ in combination with her emotional ladyboner convince her that it’s a good idea so she and Michelle follow him right onto his plane. Naturally, the flight takes off almost instantly but the girls are relieved to discover that the plane’s only going to Oakland. They find out that stowing away on a plane is a federal crime and decide to maintain a low profile for the duration of the flight until they learn that the plane’s actually going to Auckland, New Zealand.
Stephanie struggles to devise a solution to their predicament that wont end with them in jail but then she immediately confesses to the stewardess the second she approaches them. Meanwhile, Joey thinks that he’s finally gotten in touch with the cooze from the beach but he actually dials some 80 year old lady. Jesse is finally approached by a fan but he is so excited that he smothers her until she flees the scene.
Michelle spends their flight leading the other kids in a rousing chorus of “She’ll Be Comin’ ‘Round the Mountain,” and the kids are surprisingly tone-deaf considering that they’re an international children’s choir. One establishing shot of the San Francisco airport and some sweet saxaphone notes later, the girls are escorted off the plane by the stewardess and returned to their corny family. The girls are surprisingly unscathed considering that they just spent over 30 hours on an airplane. You’d think their clothes would be all drenched in sweat or they’d be visibly exhausted or something. Or that there’d be any more information about the potentially traumatic incident that they just endured other than that they went to the gift shop in the Auckland airport. Anyway, after being scolded by their three lame dads, the girls are taken home.
Back at the full house, Stephanie and Michelle lament in their room over having been grounded for a month. DJ comes in asks them how they could be such a couple of numbskulls shitwits as to accidentally board a plane to another continent and then Stephanie says it’s all DJ’s fault for neglecting them, thus leading them to commit their most desperate, over-the-top cry for attention yet. The music comes on as DJ explains that even though she’s gonna be getting dry humped on the couch by Aladdin all the time now, she still loves her stupid ugly sisters. I have to say that right before this scene started I could not have told you what the music scene was going to be. It almost seems like they ran out of time so they just stuck the DJ’s-new-boyfriend storyling and the girls-going-to-New-Zealand storylines together. I guess it would have required two music scenes to properly address all the issues raised in this episode, although the one about Danny’s sexual possessiveness of DJ is the one that I really think needed to be dealt with.
Firsts: The twins are played by those Zack and Cody kids (Revision: Apparently those aren’t the kids from Zack and Cody after all. I don’t remember why I thought they were. They’re just some regular ol’ ugly kids).