After last week’s cliff-hanger ending with Michelle wandering off at Disney World, this week’s episode opens with her dancing in front of a calypso band like some sort of creepy little goblin while a crowd of people watches. So that’s where she went! None of the guys in the band seem to mind that she’s there, presumably because they’re high out of their minds. I don’t know why the audience is cool with it. She asks one of the band members if they think she’s bossy and he’s like, “no way,” then he gets everyone in the audience to applaud her.
After the performance, Snow White approaches Michelle and mentions that she knows that she ran off, but instead of grabbing her and returning her to her family she just grants her second “princess for a day” wish of having a tea party with all the Disney characters. Way to be a responsible adult, Snow White!
Jesse says that he needs to get the fuck out of there because he promised Becky a romantic evening for their anniversary but then Joey refuses to leave the dome because he sees a shark in the tank. But they were swimming around in there for a good portion of the last episode… Where was the shark then? Jesse tries to ditch Joey but Joey clings to him, refusing to let him leave him alone in the dome. Isn’t there anyone around to help them? Also, how do they get in and out of that dome thing, anyway?
Meanwhile, Becky waits for Jesse on the dock like a sucker while Chip and Dale mock her for having such a shitty husband. You know what I’ve always wondered? Chip and Dale dancers are those erotic male dancers who keep their bow ties on when they strip… so why do they share the same namesake as these cartoon chipmunks? And which one came first?
Jesse calls for help from the underwater dome while Joey just sits there, totally unapologetically ruining Jesse and Becky’s anniversary. Jesse eventually says fuck it and forces Joey to leave the dome with him, which is just about the most uninventive way to resolve this conflict imaginable. The next shot is of them swimming outside of the dome, so I guess we’ll never know how they actually get in and out of there. Joey continues to whine about being afraid of the shark but then the situation is apparently resolved when they reach the surface even though they’re both fully submerged in water, right by the shark.
Snow White brings Michelle to her tea party but then sad music plays as Michelle says that she wants her wish back because she’s sad that her family isn’t there. After the commercial break, Mickey Mouse arrives at the tea party with all of the Tanners in tow. Danny actually gets pretty mad and tells Michelle that she freaked everybody out and that they’re going to have a long talk later. Michelle protests that nobody would do what she told them to but then Vicky explains that good princesses are fair and kind and don’t just act like totally spoiled pieces of shit all the time. Then they all have a tea party.
Jesse arrives at the dock too late to find Becky but is redirected to the hotel by Chip and Dale, who have just eaten his pic-a-nic basket. Jesse spots Becky in the lobby of the hotel but she gives him the stink eye and walks away. Luckily there’s a big piano right next to him so he is able to woo her with a terrible song.
This is one of those moments that perfectly encapsulates what a fucked up relationship they have. How many times have we seen Jesse totally neglect to do the one simple thing that she asks him to do and/or act like a total asshole and then completely get away with it with some breathy vocals and goo goo eyes? He’s not even a halfway decent musician. I wonder if he sang her a song like this every time their bills were due or their children needed food and clothing during all of those long stretches that he was unemployed. I also wonder if he isn’t using some sort of hypnosis on her, or maybe his songs include subliminal mind-control messages, like the one Zack Morris used to get Kelly to ask him to that dance. Or maybe Becky just totally hates herself. Anyway, she instantly forgives him and then they make out on a little boat.
While the family all gather to watch an Aladdin-themed parade, some camel statues spit into the crowd and hit Danny right in the face. Well, at least it wasn’t Joey doing it for once.
Next they all go see a stage reenactment of The Raiders of the Lost Ark. Before the show begins, Vicky gets a page on her beeper from work and excuses herself. As soon as she’s gone all the girls ask Danny if he’s proposed yet, because it’s not like they would have mentioned it if he had, and Danny says that he keeps getting interrupted but is pretty sure that he’s finally figured out the right way to ask her.
DJ hallucinates that Indiana Jones is Steve and then stands up and shouts his name when she thinks that he gets run over by that giant boulder. How humiliating! It’s bad enough to be so immersed in a shitty stage show that you lose all grip on reality, but it’s a million times worse to do it while projecting your stupid boyfriend onto the scenario.
After the show, Danny asks Michelle what she wants to do next and then Stephanie says that she’s gonna go back to the hotel to chill out and it’s pretty evident that it’s because she’s sick of Michelle’s stupid ugly face. The rest of the family head off to enjoy a montage of fun rides without her.
Later, in the hotel lobby, DJ thinks that she sees Steve again but then it turns out that he’s actually there. They run towards each other in slow motion and then Steve trips and falls before they reach each other, which is actually sort of almost funny.
Steve explains that he was also having weird hallucinations while they were apart so he had to spend thousands of dollars to fly across the country and stay in an overpriced hotel rather than wait a few more days for her to come back. Then they don’t have sex.
Joey approaches Stephanie while she mopes on the beach and he asks her if she wants to go see her sister in the parade. Stephanie says that she’s pissed that Michelle got to be the princess for the day and is sick of her getting whatever she wants all the time. Preach! Testify!
Joey explains that by getting all pissy and resentful, Stephanie cheated herself out of having a good time at Disneyland, which is actually kind of insightful. Then, as if to make sure that they don’t settle for making a valid point, the music comes on as Joey reminds Stephanie of how upset she was when Michelle was missing and Stephanie concedes that she loves her. As if that weren’t saccharine enough, the next moment Michelle shows up, followed by Snow White, who I guess has to follow Michelle around all day, and Michelle tells Stephanie that her last wish is for Stephanie to be the princess for the rest of the day and to get to ride in the parade. It’s weird how even when Michelle is being nice she still has the cadence of an obnoxious asshole. I guess she can’t turn it off. Actually, she’s probably just making that wish to make Stephanie feel shitty for hating on her all day. Finally, just in case you aren’t barfing in your mouth already, Snow White says that because Michelle was so generous, the whole family gets to be in the parade. What a shocker! This perfectly aligns with the central moral lesson of Full House: anyone who chooses to do the right thing will instantly be rewarded with whatever they want.
Next there’s an extended parade sequence in which the denizens of the full house are prominently featured while an unfortunate crowd watches and waves. Man, just once I’d like to see these assholes end up somewhere where they’re not the central focus of everything. Seriously, these fucks could go to the presidential inauguration and they’d still make it all about themselves.
Bringing this 2-part monstrosity to a climax, Jesse’s shitty band have their concert in front of a large crowd of people who probably thought they were there to see Sting or something. Instead they’re forced to endure a horrible cover of, “The Hippy Hippy Shake.”
Then Jesse plays a slow song that I don’t recognize (I think it might be from Pinocchio) as everyone sways in the audience. The fireworks come on and Danny mentions that he’s been trying to ask Vicky something all day before a large, fateful message appears in the sky.
Dang, how much did that cost? Danny grabs Vicky and tells her that he loves her and asks her to marry him because I guess putting the phrase in gigantic glowing letters in the sky wasn’t enough to clarify the request. He literally spelled it out for her! She says yes for some unknowable reason and then they hug, sealing their passionless romance for the ages.
Another one in the can! Tune in next week for Season 6 Reviewed! Phew!