Season 8, Episode 6, “You Pet It, You Bought It”

Pre-Credits Gag:  The twins wake Michelle up by jumping up and down on her bed.  She’s like, “how come you little fuckers never pull this shit with Stephanie?” and they tell her that Stephanie’s a real asshole when she’s woken up.  Michelle then goes to wake Stephanie up, either to confirm their claim or to assert her status as the biggest asshole of them all.

As Stephanie works on making a 3-dimensional map of the United States out of plaster or something, Danny comes in and mentions how hot it is outside, then he starts beating off under the table while he describes the sweaty construction workers that he just saw working with their shirts off outside.

Becky and Stephanie rush off to ogle the construction workers that Danny so sensually described and then Michelle comes in and says that she needs more lemonade because she’s been selling a whole bunch at her little stand.  Danny suggests that Michelle should be boring and practical and save any money she makes at the stand and Jesse tells her to be frivolous and short-sighted with her earnings, because those are the kinds of guys they are.

Just so we don’t completely forget about the uncles’ radio DJ jobs, Joey suggests that they hold a contest where they ask people to recite the lyrics to popular tv show themes.  This leads to Jesse singing the theme to 3’s Company, which gets the audience all riled up for some reason.  The joke here, which I have to mention because it’s going to come up about ten billion more times over the next 20 minutes, is that Jesse can’t remember a portion of the lyrics and just says “the thing and the thing and the thing” instead.  Pretty funny, huh?  If you don’t think so now, maybe you just need to hear it over and over and over again.  Anyway, for whatever reason, the twins really like it when Jesse sings this song and pester him to repeat it.  Jesse says that when you hear something too many times it becomes annoying, which is pretty goddamn ironic when you think of his countless utterances of, “have mercy,” not to mention all of the other tedious catchphrases that this show has been milking for years.  I do have to wonder whether this isn’t some meta-commentary by the writers, or if they were just completely lacking in self-awareness here.  Anyway, the twins sing the 3’s Company theme with Jesse and it’s pretty excruciating, what with their inability to speak clearly and all.  I guess that’s sort of their own repetitive catchphrase.  Indecipherable gibberish.

DJ reclaims a shirt of hers from Stephanie that she wants to wear for picture day tomorrow and then Michelle comes in and tells everyone that she made $221 dollars at her lemonade stand and they’re all like, “say whaaaaaaaat???”

Danny receives a package and opens it up to reveal a picture of his great-great grandfather, General Cornwall Tanner, that he had blown up.

The uncles have a real good time pointing and laughing at Danny’s photo of his deceased relative and then Michelle comes downstairs and asks if anyone will take her to the candy store so she can spend her lemonade stand money.  Everyone says that they’re too busy to take her and then Danny and Jesse continue their debate about whether she should save her money or splurge.  Kimmie Gibbler comes downstairs and, after a brief, typical round of verbal sparring with Danny, agrees to escort Michelle to the candy store.

Jesse is once again coerced into singing the 3’s Company theme to the twins, which is a routine that ages less like a fine wine and more like a fresh turd.  Danny asks if Michelle’s back yet and then the girls inform him that she was carrying fat stacks of dolla dolla bills when she went to the candy store, which he didn’t know about.  Just then, as if on cue, Michelle comes home and reveals that she bought a donkey with her money.  That’s right, a donkey.

Well, points for originality, I guess.  I can’t think of another show that had an episode where a kid made a shitload of money at their lemonade stand and then bought a donkey.  I guess maybe it’s not all that different than the time DJ bought a horse, though.  Anyway, Danny takes an enormous shit right in his pants at the sight of the donkey and blames Jesse for Michelle making such a foolhardy purchase.  I guess no one is going to blame Michelle, because no one ever blames her for anything even though she willingly does horrible stuff all the time, although in this instance she’s not really ill-intentioned, just painfully naive.  This leads me to wonder what the fuck Kimmie Gibbler was thinking when she oversaw this transaction.  She must have know on some level that this was a bad idea.  I mean, really.  Apparently the guy who owned the donkey just asked Michelle how much money she had and then, when he was informed that she had $221, told her that the donkey cost exactly that much.  I actually don’t know if that’s a good deal for a donkey.  For all I know they’re really expensive.

Stephanie says she likes the Donkey because he’s got big hairy ears, just like Uncle Gus.  Who’s Uncle Gus all of a sudden?  Some distant relative that they’ll only ever mention one time for the sake of a throwaway joke, I guess.  Danny insists that they return the donkey and then Kimmie Gibbler informs him that the petting zoo that they bought him from was a traveling petting zoo that was packing up to leave for Seattle immediately after their purchase and, even though that couldn’t have been more than like 10 minutes ago, for story purposes we’ll all just assume that they’re long gone.  Danny’s like, “well, fuck,” and agrees to let the donkey stay in the backyard overnight while they figure out what to do with him.  He tells Michelle that she’ll have to clean up after the donkey and she says, “no problem, I already clean up after my hamster.”  Wait… she has a hamster?  Since when?  I never saw no hamster.  Where does she keep it?  Maybe it stays with Uncle Gus.

The donkey starts braying loudly in the backyard in the middle of the night, pissing off the neighbors and waking up the denizens of the full house.  DJ is concerned that if the donkey keeps her up all night, her school picture wont turn out well.  Everyone else’s concerns are less specific but they all want the donkey to shut the fuck up, except for Michelle, who seems to love the donkey unconditionally and want to keep him, probably just to spite everyone else.  The twins come downstairs and ask Jesse to sing the 3’s Company theme song again and then when he refuses, Joey coerces him by suggesting that it will drown out the loud braying of “Engelbert Donkeydink” which is maybe the most baffling wordplay I’ve ever heard in my life.  It’s neither a timely reference nor a clever pun.  What the fuck?  Anyway, Jesse sings the theme song to the twins and then everyone notices that the donkey stopped making noises while he was singing so, naturally, the only solution to the problem at hand is for Jesse to stay up all night and sing the 3’s Company theme to the donkey over and over. Again, if nothing else, points for originality here.  Maybe “Engelbert Donkeydink” wasn’t very inspired but whoever wrote this plot synopsis was on some shit.

Jesse and Michelle wake up on the couch after making it through their first night with the donkey.  Stephanie starts hollering in the kitchen and it turns out that at some point in the night the donkey ate the map that she was making.

DJ comes downstairs looking like a straight up meth addict because she’s apparently allergic to donkeys and then Stephanie’s like, “this donkey seems to be tampering with all of the story elements that were introduced earlier… We’d better get rid of him!”   Danny’s unsure of what she means until he walks into the living room and discovers that the donkey has destroyed his giant photograph, which impels him to boot that donkey once and for all.

I don’t know, you guys.  Since when has been an imposing pain in the nuts ever gotten anyone kicked out of the full house?  If they’d ever had these sorts of standards before they would have gotten rid of Joey a long ass time ago.

Becky suggests that they give the donkey to the children’s zoo and everyone agrees that it’s a good idea, even Michelle, who’s finally willing to recognize what a piece of shit her donkey is.  She says that she’s gonna buy everyone some candy and then put the rest of the money in the bank after they sell the donkey but then Jesse explains to her that they’re going to have to donate him because he’s fucking useless and she was a total moron to waste all of her money on him in the first place.

Before taking the donkey to the zoo (which we’ll just assume will accept unsolicited donkey donations), the family convinces Jesse to sing the 3’s Company theme to him one last time, because we really needed to hear it again, and it turns out that the rest of the family all know the missing lyrics, which they never told him before just now for some reason.  Amazingly, the music is once again absent from this episode, maybe because it had such a muddled message.  It’s been kind of a while since they’ve used it and, even though the episodes themselves seem to be getting more and more half-baked, at least this is one element that’s improved.

 

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163 Responses to Season 8, Episode 6, “You Pet It, You Bought It”

  1. Mara says:

    Just started reading this the other day and oh my god. This is fantastic. I used to watch this show when I was a kid, caught a few repeats on the Christian channel (Yep.) and realized now how godawful it is.

    You’re a brave, brave man, and god bless you for putting yourself through this to entertain people.

    Like

  2. JGA says:

    You know it’s gonna be a great review when you can’t even get through the pre-credit gag breakdown without almost spitting iced-tea all over your monitor.

    Like

  3. JGA says:

    Yep. You did not disappoint. Thanks, Billy!

    Like

  4. Sarah Portland says:

    “Michelle then goes to wake Stephanie up, either to confirm their claim or to assert her status as the biggest asshole of them all.”
    Sounds about right. So far, we’ve learned from the Full House that in order to get what you want, you have to be an asshole Parthenon… and in order to sleep in, you have to be an asshole Parthenon when woken. Clearly, we know which behaviors are being rewarded.
    “…Michelle comes in and tells everyone that she made $221 dollars at her lemonade stand and they’re all like, “say whaaaaaaaat???” ”
    Yeah, I’m saying “whaaaaaaaa?” too. The fuck? How much was this bitch charging? I mean, even if it’s fucking hot and there are sweaty construction guys, there is no way you’re making that kind of cash at a little kids’ lemonade stand. More like ten bucks, and that’s only if you’re using CountryTime.
    “Well, points for originality, I guess. I can’t think of another show that had an episode where a kid made a shitload of money at their lemonade stand and then bought a donkey. I guess maybe it’s not all that different than the time DJ bought a horse, though.”
    Yeah, but… I remember not that long ago when she had the opportunity to get something cool and squandered it on something dumb. Here, they’ve swapped out “parrot-finding reward” for “lemonade money” and “cardboard cut-out of the store’s owner” for …”donkey”. I guess this time she actually earned the money herself rather than being arbitrarily handed the responsibility of making a selection, but again, someone oversaw her bad choice. So Michelle kind of-sort of learned a good lesson here about spending money, in that you have to be careful about what you chose to do with it, and in this case, the dumb bitch gets nothing back because she spent it on something of little to no value. Is this a first? Did she actually have a shitty, well-earned “suck it up, buttercup” without someone swooping in to patch it up for her? Or did the writers really have no other ideas on what to do with a donkey at the end of 20 minutes, and decided that Michelle just didn’t get a happy ending because they were out of storytelling time?
    “Wait… she has a hamster? Since when? I never saw no hamster. Where does she keep it? Maybe it stays with Uncle Gus.”
    It’s in the fish cupboard.
    “…Stephanie’s like, “this donkey seems to be tampering with all of the story elements that were introduced earlier… We’d better get rid of him!” ”
    I’m rather annoyed that all of the subplots were really just to further the main plot of, well… donkey. Did the show’s producers spend all of their writing budget on donkey rental?

    Like

    • Oh Mylanta says:

      Because she wasn’t giving back change like the little asshole Parthenon she is. A responsible parent would supervise the lemonade stand and show her how to make change, but of course, this is the Bay Area Tanners we’re dealing with.

      You’re right, though. Michelle FINALLY learned a tough lesson without anyone magically making it all better for once. Definitely a first on this show. And it only took eight seasons.

      Like

  5. Angela says:

    I do have to wonder whether this isn’t some meta-commentary by the writers, or if they were just completely lacking in self-awareness here.

    It’d be awesome if it were the former, but I wouldn’t be surprised at all if it were the latter.

    I guess no one is going to blame Michelle, because no one ever blames her for anything even though she willingly does horrible stuff all the time, although in this instance she’s not really ill-intentioned, just painfully naive.

    Seriously. You mentioned DJ bringing home that horse earlier-Danny had a fit over that and grounded her for it, because she knew he would say no to her buying a horse and yet she snuck him in anyway. Michelle may not have meant anything bad by buying the donkey, no, but she also knows full well that donkey wouldn’t have been allowed in her house, and yet she brought him anyway.

    *Shakes head* The girl’s good. Somehow she wiggles her way out of virtually ANYTHING resembling a punishment.

    This leads me to wonder what the fuck Kimmie Gibbler was thinking when she oversaw this transaction. She must have know on some level that this was a bad idea.

    Simple. She’s been hanging around this family far too long. They and their nonsensical ways of thinking and doing things had to rub off on her eventually.

    Had a feeling you’d have fun with the “Three’s Company” thing-that’s the big thing I always remember from this episode. And of course it has to be Jesse who calms the donkey down, just like it had to be him who calmed down that little baby that Michelle was jealous of once, or it has to be him Michelle gets attached to, and so on and so on. Course, then again, in this case, he probably would be the best choice-Danny’s OCD and Joey’s “impressions” would bother the donkey too much.

    Fun review, as always. And nice screencaps, too-I love the one with the donkey’s head stuck in the photo. It’d be a pain in the ass to have a donkey in the house, sure, but I still think it’s a rather cute little animal, myself…

    Like

    • Baby Lovebutton says:

      Well, after all, it IS starting John Stamos. Top billing, you know.

      Like

      • Angela says:

        Good point!

        “Yeah, remember when this was a show about a dad trying to raise his three daughters after their mother’s with help from his friends? Us neither.”

        Like

    • rmc says:

      Nah, Kimmie Gibbler knew full well what a terrible idea it was to buy a donkey, and the stupidity of House Tanner isn’t rubbing off on her; no, Kimmie Gibbler is Loki incarnate and relishes any chance to bring about chaos to these stick-up-the-ass wonder-bread motherfuckers and we should be thankful that she’s in the equation.

      Like

  6. CathySantone says:

    Maybe there’s some Full House writer out there with a hard on for donkeys. I vaguely remember a filthy Danny on a donkey… That being said, if anyone should be sent away it should be fucking Joey. I would totally rather watch the donkey than Joey. Any day.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Bridget says:

    I do think Donkey from “Shrek” was cute and if Shorty the donkey from this episode could talk, he would probably make smart ass remarks! Maybe Shorty was too big for the Petting Zoo or something! Why bring home an animal you know is too large and won’t be welcomed? Michelle is evil, pure and simple!

    Like

  8. lovetolaugh says:

    And the storylines only get more random and bizarre from here on out. It legitimately does give the impression that the writers were on something.

    There is one part of this episode that makes me laugh: Danny doing his impression of Jesse telling Michelle to “live a little.” Yeah, I don’t even know why I’m so amused by that, but I am.

    So Michelle was originally going to spend $221 at the candy store? Hmm, what exactly was she planning on buying from there? What an odd way to splurge.

    You know, if this family wanted to instill any morals in Michelle at all, they could have suggested that she donate at least some of the money to a good cause. I know that’s asking a lot. At least she didn’t ultimately get her way this time and had to return the donkey.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      LTL, I didn’t like how Michelle called her great-great-great grandpa a geek in a hat. Show some respect because the Civil War took a lot of lives, you brat! I don’t know about Michelle, but I liked looking at the old photos of my great-grandparents had on their wall!

      Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Normally, I agree. But I was not impressed by General Cornball.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        All the ladies in my family were very attractive and saddest of all, my great grandmother died one hundred some years ago in childbirth and I thought she was pretty in turn-of-the-century garb!

        Like

  9. Catherine says:

    Brilliant, literally laugh out loud review.
    My mind somehow connected the episode title with the screen cap of Danny talking about the sweaty man… Dodgy

    $221!! And that was in what, 1995? Even without inflation that’s pretty decent for a mornings work. I needa make me some lemonade!

    Of course Kimmy Gibbler knew getting a donkey was a bad idea, she encouraged it deliberately to get back at Danny for 8 years of unwarranted insults.

    But they went down to the fairy to get lollies and managed to pick up an unwanted donkey from a petting zoo? How does that happen? Is that a plausible scenario in San Francisco or another example of crazy full house universe?

    Also… That donkey ate a plaster painted map of the USA? That can’t be good for him. No wonder he made so much noise, it was probably due to indigestion!

    Like

  10. Sara Wilson says:

    I just laughed and laughed through this, probably my favorite review of Season 8, if not the last several seasons. When it got to the donkey’s face poking through the picture of General Cornwall, I pretty much lost all control of myself!
    A+ review

    Like

    • Amy says:

      I agree. For the last few weeks, I’ve been thinking ‘Aw, Billy’s gone off the angry deep end. We’ve asked too much of him and now, understandably, he’s gone more rage than humor” But this one was right back to snarky humor gold. 🙂

      Like

    • Smash says:

      I couldn’t agree with you more. This post was totally hilarious (which I’ve obviously come to expect from Billy) but it also had more of that quick quip sort of humour I fell in love with so many seasons ago.
      The part about Danny beating off under the table really had me going. Great stuff Billy, you rock!

      Like

  11. Stacy says:

    “Unsolicited Donkey Donations” would be a great band name.

    When I was in high school (and I think it was 2 to 3 years prior to this episode airing) I was in a record store (I’m dating myself as I don’t think those things exist anymore) and stumbled across an Englebert Humperdink record. At the time, I misread his last name as HumperDICK and about laughed myself sick. (I have always had the sense of humor of a 12 year old boy.) From that moment forward it was a running joke for me and my alter ego was Englebert Q. Humperdick and I sang my “hit” song “Choppin’ wood, baby”. I got a ton of laugh mileage over that name.

    At one point I actually purchased an Englebert Humperdink tape. I think I still have it somewhere. Despite my great fondness for that name (and my bastardized version of it), I couldn’t actually name a single one of his songs. It really was all about the name for me.

    All that rambling to say – I’m not really pleased that Full House ripped off my joke in some form.

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      No worries. Portland, OR is crawling with record stores 🙂
      I’m not sure ANYONE remembers the greatest hits of Engelbert Humperdink, just the name. I guess if you consider it, he picked the right name to be remembered.

      Like

      • “Alone Again, Naturally” was his biggest hit. I’m blanking on his other big hit, but his thing was basically songs that were incredibly depressing. The narrative of AAN is basically that he’s been dumped again, so he might as well kill himself. (no lie.)

        Also, I’m figuring “Englebert Donkeydink” was just an excuse to get a joke about big, floppy, donkey dongs on the show.

        Like

      • VCB says:

        As the son of a huge Englebert fan, I think the song you are searching for is After the Loving. Alone Again, etc was Gilbert O’Sullivan (I had a bad music filled childhood, thanks to the aforementioned Englebert-loving father). I have a vague memory that Blue Spanish Eyes was (a) another Englebert hit and (b) a favorite lullaby of one of my half-siblings. That’s all I got on this topic. Back to lurking and back to dreading the end of Season 8 and the recaps.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Yeah, I was thinking that about “Donkeydink” as well.
        When I Googled that song, it didn’t come up for EH, but I was curious about your description of it, so I checked out the lyrics. Yeesh. What a downer.

        Like

      • Oh Mylanta says:

        Perhaps that was a crack at the donkey’s raging “peppermill” on set.

        Like

      • YR says:

        Actually, “Alone Again, Naturally” was by Gilbert O’Sullivan. Sorry. 😦

        Like

      • Stacy says:

        Sarah, good to know that record stores still exist somewhere. Granted, even by the time I was in high school, records weren’t really the top music storage device (for lack of better phrase). It was the early to mid 90s so tapes and CDs were the most used. Obviously the music stores I went to had either a collection of old ass records or they were used. (Not sure if they were new but from back in the day or used.) Which makes sense that they didn’t have up to date music if I’m stumbling across Englebert Humperdink (seriously I have a hard -ha!- time typing it as Humperdink and leaving out my added middle initial of Q) records. Not sure if it was the same day, but thanks to that store’s record collection I also first discovered Supertramp (got a massive kick out of that name as well). I still vividly remember the record cover – it was of a turtle (maybe it was Bubba?) and the name Frank was painted on its shell.

        Crazy those little things one remembers.

        But yes, to get back to what you said – it really was a good ploy to use such an out there name – even if your stuff isn’t that memorable, people will always remember that name.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Ha! So glad to hear that the name Supertramp makes someone else snicker. Many of my friends are vinyl enthusiasts, so record stores do better here than they probably would elsewhere. Digital music players are convenient, but there’s nothing quite like that hiss and pop of a record 🙂

        Like

      • YR says:

        Yes, but ironically, no one remembers the *real* Engelbert Humperdinck: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Engelbert_Humperdinck

        Like

    • Angela says:

      I totally read his name as “Engelbert Humperdick” in this review :D.

      Yeah, I’m familiar with the name-how could one NOT remember a name that strange once they hear it?-but I don’t know that I really know his songs, either, outside of the one Rev. mentioned (and even then I’m not familiar with his version of that song).

      Also, I approve of your twisted sense of humor.

      Like

  12. Teebore says:

    then he starts beating off under the table while he describes the sweaty construction workers

    Once again, excellent screen cappery on that one!

    The joke here, which I have to mention because it’s going to come up about ten billion more times over the next 20 minutes, is that Jesse can’t remember a portion of the lyrics and just says “the thing and the thing and the thing” instead.

    Huh. I could have sworn that joke came from an episode of Futurama (when Fry explained that he learned how to handle delicate social situations from a little show called Three’s Company), in which Fry had similar issues remembering the middle of the song, but maybe all these years I’ve been mentally inserting a Full House gag into my recollection. I am ashamed.

    Danny and Jesse continue their debate about whether she should save her money or splurge.

    And to no one’s surprise, the idea of “spend some, save some” is never raised by any of the characters, all of whom live their lives by one extreme or the other.

    This leads me to wonder what the fuck Kimmie Gibbler was thinking when she oversaw this transaction.

    Yeah, Kimmie was totes fucking with Danny.

    Kimmie Gibbler informs him that the petting zoo that they bought him from was a traveling petting zoo

    I’m trying to figure out why a petting zoo is even selling its donkey. Like Billy, I have no idea if $221 is a good deal for a donkey, but I have to imagine it could earn that and more as part of a petting zoo…

    Everyone else’s concerns are less specific but they all want the donkey to shut the fuck up

    I’m not familiar with San Fransisco’s zoning laws, but they should probably all want the donkey to shut up before the police get involved.

    so, naturally, the only solution to the problem at hand is for Jesse to stay up all night and sing the 3′s Company theme to the donkey over and over.

    It’s called a tape recorder, assmunches! You literally have a recording studio in your basement!

    Becky suggests that they give the donkey to the children’s zoo

    It took her a whole day to come up with that? Poor Aunt Becky, how far you’ve fallen…

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      Well, the neighbor lady yelled when Shorty was noisy, “Whatever that is, I’m gonna shoot it!”

      Like

    • That is indeed a real Futurama joke, though Fry’s version was, when placed in an awkward situation to just sing “…come and knock on our door…” in kind of a panicked cadence. It was awesome and much better than “the thing and the thing and the thing”.

      (You might also be combining Fry with Homer’s version of the Stop Drop and Roll song — “when a fire starts to burn/there’s something you must learn/something something, then you’ll see/you’ll avoid catastrophe!” Even if you’re not, that’s a way less embarassing explanation. You’re welcome.)

      Like

  13. Melanie says:

    This episode is an insult to the memory of John Ritter (who, incidentally, died ten years ago this Wednesday).

    It’s also responsible for the fact that I didn’t ACTUALLY know the Three’s Company theme until I was 14.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      Melanie, I was in North Dakota with my parents looking at Mount Rushmore on 9/11 when John Ritter died. I swear to God, I thought it was gonna be Don Knotts who died! Don went a few years later. It scares me with John Ritter and Davy Jones that neither of their doctors knew they had a fatal illness until the autopsies! I would think in the 21st century with all the technologies and surgeries, doctors would be able to find a heart boo-boo! I still think John and Davy’s biological children should be tested for the diseases that killed their fathers.

      Like

      • Frank says:

        Mount Rushmore is in South Dakota.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Thank you. I got my two Dakotas mixed up!

        Like

      • Angela says:

        I remember hearing about Ritter’s death on the radio-we’d had it on one morning, and they announced Johnny Cash passing away, which was sad, of course, but not unexpected, given the reports of him being in ill health in the months prior.

        Then they announced that John Ritter had also died and I remember actually looking at the radio and going, “Whoa, wait, WHAT?” Certainly did not see that one coming.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        I agree! An expected death is hard to deal with and so is an unexpected death. I think of how nuts people got back in the 1920s when Rudolf Valentino died of appendicitis and many women tried to off themselves after he died.

        Like

      • SavaFiend says:

        The saddest part, for me, about John Ritter’s death is that he died on his daughter’s birthday. I always thought that had to be horrible for her 😦

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        I agree and if I was Stella the daughter, I wouldn’t want a b-day, but maybe she should have one because it would please her father and that would make his dream come true!

        Like

      • Lisa says:

        John Ritter died of an aortic dissection, which by itself is not genetic, so there would be nothing to test his kids for. And dissection mimics many other conditions, and doctors have about 5 minutes to test for every possibility before it’s fatal, so in many cases it’s extremely difficult to diagnose and to stop. It drives me crazy that people blame his doctors for not saving him. If, with all the modern technology we have today, they COULDN’T save him, that should tell you how difficult it is to do and what a lethal condition it is.

        Like

      • Lisa says:

        It’s just a tad more complicated than looking for a “heart boo-boo.”

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Lisa, when I studied the heart in Basic Anatomy, my book never mentioned aortic dissection and that surprised me. I mean, the aorta is a major part of the heart. The left ventricle is the major worker of the heart and it does most of the pumping. My teacher was a retired cardiologist and he told us that. I think it must confuse doctors when so many diseases mimic each other. I saw a horror movie called “We Are What We Are” and it was about this perfectly nice family, the Parkers. Emma Parker, the mom died suddenly and the medical examiner thought it was Parkinson’s because her hands show signs of “pill-rolling” and other Parkinson’s signs. Later on, it was determined that the Parker family was canabilistic and the mom died of Kuru, a disease from eating human flesh. As for John Ritter, his dad had heart problems as well. I do agree with you how many fatal illnesses can mimic non fatal illnesses. I wonder if John Ritter’s heart problem came about during his conception when the heart forms?

        Like

  14. cwilson83088 says:

    Bob Saget was on Conan sharing an anecdote about this episode. Apparently the donkeys real name was Eeyore (real creative) and the donkey got an erection in front of everyone during the making of this, which prompted Saget to refer to the donkey as “Peppermill” because of his huge schlong.

    Like

    • Anisky says:

      That makes it really disturbing that in the last episode Michelle’s horse was named “Peppermill”… 0.o

      Like

      • songbird says:

        Oh my god, is that true?! Hahahahahahaha.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        What turned the donkey on? I like the guy who said on a game show, “I’m Welsh-Hungarian so I am well-hung!”. It is right up there with the Family Fued contestant who answered September as in what month does a woman show pregnancy. I would have said the 5th month or so! I guess in a way, the lady was right! My friend’s brother was born in September and her mom came along in October, so September isn’t so out there!

        Like

      • Becki says:

        What???

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        I meant to say that this guy was saying his manhood was out of sight on some game show and all. I guess I started to mention the funny things people say on game shows!

        Like

      • Smash says:

        People do say really hilarious stuff on game shows. Especially back in the day. I love watching old episodes of The Newlywed Game from the 70’s because the people are so funny.

        Like

    • Angela says:

      …lovely.

      The things you learn on this site sometimes, I swear…

      Like

  15. Colleen says:

    Wait… she has a hamster? Since when? I never saw no hamster. Where does she keep it? Maybe it stays with Uncle Gus.

    They must be with Bubba the Turtle. Poor Bubba.

    Like

  16. songbird says:

    What the hell, Tanner family? Didn’t they learn after the cardboard cut-out episode that Michelle shouldn’t be trusted at the store? Dudes should have well expected her to come home with something ridiculous and life-ruining (…okay, exaggeration). Especially sending KIMMY with her!

    And DJ, oh honey. Why am I not surprised you dressed like a banker for your school picture.

    Like

    • songbird says:

      Meant to add: even with the terrible quality of the show from start, it’s incredible that it managed to get WORSE.

      The first season involved Jesse keeping the girls up past their bedtime and Danny being, understandably, furious at the lack of responsibility. It’s a good enough plot for a 20 minute sitcom.

      Then you hit season 8 and seven(?) year old Michelle is earning hundreds at a lemonade stand and buying a donkey with the profits?? And again goes unpunished for her stupidity.

      Honestly, this season is looking to be even more mind-blowingly ridiculous than usual.

      Like

    • I don’t blame Kimmie. At that point, I’d basically be all “Fuck these assholes. Yeah, go ahead, Michelle, waste your money on a donkey. Maybe get an airhorn too.”

      Like

    • Corey says:

      Am I the only one who finds DJ’s androgynous suit outfits this season really hot?

      Like

      • songbird says:

        I don’t know about finding them hot, but for generally liking them, I think it depends on the suit. I didn’t like this one but she wore something similar in one of those random clips that they use to bulk up the season opening, I think she’s on a bus or something. It looks pretty nice.

        Tried to google a picture but I found nothing, although I LOVE how most of the pictures for certain Full House searches are just screencaps from this blog hahahaha

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Haha, really? That’s awesome! 😀

        Like

  17. Staplerhed says:

    Oh, season 8. Where Michelle becomes the focal point of every episode and the show becomes a cartoon for 6-year-olds.

    Like

    • Nelson's Biscuit-Sized Nostrils says:

      This.

      Like

      • RG says:

        So very much this. And this episode is especially ridiculous. Buying a donkey, seriously?!?! The writers were clearly out of ideas at this point.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Maybe they had a hat to pull ideas out of, or a pad of Mad Libs. Or a dartboard. Or a formula: “Michelle does _______, and is rewarded with _________. Hilarity ensues. Joey imitates ___________ and Jesse talks about his hair. Danny cleans __________.” The twins’ lines are composed by having the studio cat walk across a keyboard.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Ahahaha, I love this. Particularly the bit about the twins’ lines.

        Like

      • Corey says:

        Omg, the twins’ lines! I am dying over here!

        Like

  18. Alicia says:

    I always remembered this episode for the 3s company theme song, but somehow mostly forgot about the donkey. Everytime I hear the theme song I think of Uncle Jesse…damn you Full House for getting into my psyche!

    Another great review, thanks for making my Fridays so much better!

    Like

  19. Geonn says:

    For once Joey wasn’t the biggest jackass in the full house.

    ::rimshot::

    Like

  20. Michelle's acting coach says:

    Again, full house blew an easy opportunity for a really funny joke. Becky should’ve been the one to suggest the donkey get taken to the zoo and offered to make the call. At the end of the episode Michelle would be saying goodbye to the donkey as it’s being loaded off to the “zoo” by Leonard. Devotees of the show would recognize Leonard as Becky’s butcher.
    Out of Michele’s sight, Becky thanks Leonard for the favor while Jesse tells Michelle the donkey will be in a much better place at the zoo.

    Like

  21. Non-Jerk Michelle says:

    Of all the random creatures that have been allowed in the Full House I’m actually surprised the donkey caused the most destruction. I can understand that he could step on things and crush them or even shit everywhere, but eating paper products somehow is far fetched to me. I expected the monkey to cause more chaos, hell even the pig! My theory is that they just didn’t feed the poor animal, whatever it is it eats.

    This Michelle getting away with ridiculous garbage is pissing me off. Somehow Jesse gets blamed for her imbecilic decision. Why didn’t Michelle boast about the amount of money she made to the dads like she did earlier? I would have liked to see an actual plot line where Michelle spends all the money on candy, let’s see how that would turn out…

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      NJ Michelle, DJ and Stephanie were both blamed when Michelle started the pillow fight and the window broke. Sure, Michelle was about 2 or 3 years old when this happened and kids at that age aren’t known for being intellectual giants, but at the age of 7 Michelle had no right to be so dense! I think Danny should have said that if Michelle had money and she spent it all on stupid things, it was her own damn fault and not the fault of her uncle! This is called free will, as we all know.

      Like

  22. Oh Mylanta says:

    Fun fact: the donkey got a boner on set when they were taping this episode. I remember watching a documentary on Full House a few years back where they briefly talked about it, and Bob Saget brought it up when he was on Conan a few months ago.

    Like

    • Jamie says:

      Oh my godddddd! So weird. Shorty was packin’. I can’t believe Bob Saget was even able to be casted (or even wanted to?) as Danny Tanner when he’s really so dirty and sexual and vulgar in real life…does that mean he’s actually a good actor?! Weird…

      Like

      • Oh Mylanta says:

        He’s gotta have some acting skills if he can play such a convincing squeaky-clean cornball. I was thinking the same thing when I saw him do standup a few years ago. “How in the hell did HE get the lead on Full House?” I wish I could remember the actual jokes, but I have never heard the word “fuckwad” so much in my life.

        Like

      • Lisa says:

        I dunno. I feel like this whole dirty man persona is totally overcompensating. My personal theory is that Bob Saget is EXACTLY like Danny Tanner in real life.

        Like

    • Amanda says:

      Funny! I was just coming back here to post about that! I just came across that clip on youtube and when he started telling the story I was like “OMG that’s the episode on FHR today!”.

      Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      Is… is Bob Saget wearing a toupee? The top of his hair seems to be a slightly different color than the lower part.

      Like

    • Christian says:

      It’s funny because Conan actually had a bit a long time ago where his desk would elevate every time he got “excited”.

      Also, didn’t Bob contradict himself by saying that he doesn’t remember the donkey but then going into a detailed story about the donkey’s penis?

      Like

  23. Jamie says:

    Ugh, the donkey episode. ‘Tis one of the first of the many bizarre episodes that have absolutely no corny moral lesson to be learned.

    First of all, even as a kid, bringing over 200 dollars to a candy store is kinda weird. As a girl her age, I would’ve blown it all on American Girl Dolls or toys or something. Wouldn’t she wanna go to the toy store? I dunno anymore.

    Even as a child I wondered why Kimmy (who was I think a senior in High School by now?) let that happen…but like someone said in another comment, it was probably revenge for years of a bunch of grown ass men talking down to her and insulting her like cray cray.

    At Michelle’s age, she should have absolutely known NOT to buy a fucking donkey. But then again, when you’re treated as queen of the universe, I guess doing whatever you want whenever you want is an understandable concept. I can’t believe they didn’t punish her tho. Danny would have ripped DJ or Stephanie a new asshole if they ever did something so obnoxious without permission.

    Oh, and “…ages less like a fine wine and more like a fresh turd” ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT.

    ❤ thank you Billy for making my commute home suck less<3

    Like

    • Angela says:

      First of all, even as a kid, bringing over 200 dollars to a candy store is kinda weird. As a girl her age, I would’ve blown it all on American Girl Dolls or toys or something. Wouldn’t she wanna go to the toy store? I dunno anymore.

      Seriously! Yeah, I liked to buy some candy when I was a kid, too, but man, if I’d had $200 + on me back then I would’ve had a field day buying all the toys and books and such that I wanted.

      Like

    • Packerchu says:

      “At Michelle’s age, she should have absolutely known NOT to buy a fucking donkey.”

      Well, she’s been raised by three asses, so Michelle figured, “Hey, who’ll notice a few more?”

      Like

  24. Nerak says:

    They should have had Stephanie be allergic to the donkey and thus come down looking like a meth addict. It would have been real life foreshadowing…

    Like

  25. Megan says:

    it was all Michelle’s fault but this was a funny episode.

    Like

  26. Nelson's Biscuit-Sized Nostrils says:

    Why doesn’t Jersey just record a tape of him singing the Three’s Company theme song? They still have that studio downstairs, right? Right?

    Like

  27. Corey says:

    I think this is the “Uncle” Gus that Stephanie is referring to:

    Like

  28. Ashley says:

    “Before taking the donkey to the zoo (which we’ll just assume will accept unsolicited donkey donations)”

    I don’t know why, in a review that had me laughing out loud multiple times, that one sentence absolutely killed me.

    I think we can all agree that Kimmy Gibbler is actually a master troll. Not only does she call out everyone in the Full House for their bullshit and terrible personality flaws, but she allows things like Michelle buying a donkey to happen and doesn’t intervene to stop it. The airhead routine is just an act. She’s actually a genius, and I love her for helping bring misery to the Tanners’ lives.

    Like

  29. Em says:

    I read this blog aloud to my husband every Friday and it took especially long to get through because we spent so much time laughing our asses off.

    Like

  30. Christian says:

    How messed up is this show that that donkey is the least “WTF?” thing on it? Why exactly is a picture of a relative who served in the Civil War something to ridicule? Even though he looks like Danny, it still doesn’t seem like something anyone would make fun of…except a house full of assholes (the show’s original title before ABC changed it, I believe). And a travelling petting zoo? Really? That’s the best excuse they could come up with for why Michelle can’t return the donkey? I guess it’s better than saying the local vet was having a going out of business sale.

    Why do I get the feeling that Michelle made so much dough because she was selling lemonade for ten bucks a pop on the hottest day of the year. She seems like a big enough of a dick to do that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Bridget says:

      Christian, I agree with you! I know the Civil War was over 150 some years ago, but we should show respect for the soldiers who put their lives on the line so we can have freedom. I wonder what would happen if Danny said his great-great grandfather died in the Civil War, would they say, “I’m sorry, Danny. He was so brave!” I doubt they would say that and they would tell Danny to suck it up because the Civil War happened before they were all born! I think Michelle would overcharge very hot men for lemonade on an extremely hot day! I was at Festa Italiana with my friend and her mother and I was dying for a lemonade and it was hotter than hell there! I was close to collapsing from heat exhaustion or something, when my friend’s mom yelled, “Bridget!” because she was shocked that I was nearly collapsing. Would Michelle show compassion like that if one of those poor guys collapsed from heat exhaustion or something?

      Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        No, dude would be lying on the ground panting and Michelle would lean over him and smile, offering the cup. “Lemonade?” And he would take it and drink gratefully, and she would hold out her hand. “Ten dollars, please.”

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Yeah, greedy little troll!

        Like

      • Carrie says:

        I just have to say, because this knowledge has been lodged in my brain for a decade, the reason Michelle made so much money is because she had no change. It was something like 95 degrees out, and the back of the sandwich board she was wearing said no change…so basically, after the construction workers gave her $20 bills, she gave nothing back…

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Carrie, that was another episode when Joey helped her make the lemonade and sandwich board. It was the one with Nicky and Alex as babies and the Beach Boys helping out Jesse like 12 trillion times before!

        Like

      • Christian says:

        Sarah, I can totally see Michelle doing that! It’s literally gotten to the point where something like that wouldn’t seem out of character for Michelle.

        In the early days, if Stephanie or DJ pulled a stunt like that, the whole episode would be devoted to them feeling guilty for their actions. But with Michelle, the writers seem to think it’s hilarious to have her do sociopathic things without ever learning a lesson.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Christian, if you want, go on Cracked.com and read about “7 Behaviors from Saved by the Bell that make Zack Morris a sociopath.”

        Like

      • Christian says:

        Bridget, I kid you not. I actually saw that article almost immediately after I posted that comment and was shocked by the coincidence. The similarities between Michelle and Zack are eerie!

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Yes, the similarities are very striking! I think the writers of Cracked forgot to mention how Zack and Screech insulted the Native American culture by having Screech dress up as an Indian stereotype when Zack’s teacher wanted the class to do a presentation about their ancestors and all Zack found was an old photo of his Native American ancestor. I don’t find Zack or Mike Seaver for that matter to be cute or charming when they are conniving just like I don’t find Michelle to be that way when she acts like that! I think Axel Heck on “The Middle” is quite funny and charming myself! You want to say “Oh, Axel!” when he does something stupid! You don’t want to smack him silly!

        Like

  31. Lisa says:

    As I child, I never questioned any of these ridiculous story lines. As an adult, I agree that these writers were on something. How do they come up with these plots? And why was I entertained by it when I was a kid?

    Like

  32. Bridget says:

    Billy, I am studying human anatomy and when you mentioned Michelle holding her arms out with her palms up to convey sincerity, that is called supination. Pronation is when you turn your hands flat so everyone can’t see the palm.

    Like

  33. atheez says:

    Maybe Uncle Gus is the hamster…

    Even as a kid, I never understood why Jersey sang Three’s Company all night. All he had to do was sing. It didn’t have to be that one song. Even in the Full House universe it made no sense. Did he try other classic TV themes at any point during the night? WKRP in Cincinnati or All in the Family perhaps?

    Like

  34. williec29 says:

    I can think of one other show where a donkey was bought; the was Leave it to Beaver. Three of them went in together and bought a donkey, but that show was good….

    Like

  35. Grant Spatchcock says:

    Maybe Uncle Gus IS the hamster?

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      Could be! In the book “Superfudge” Fudge named his new parrot Uncle Feather!

      Like

      • Oh Mylanta says:

        I loved those books! I always wondered how Peter got off with such a normal name while his siblings were called Fudge and Tootsie.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        OM, Farley Drexel Hatcher and Tamara Roxanne Hatcher were their real names and Fudge and Tootsie were their nicknames. I thought of the book “Where the Heart Is” and the boy in the story was Brummett Coop and his sister was Pauline Coop. Their mom Lexi called them Brownie and Praline. Their little twin sisters were named Cherry and Baby Ruth, but those were their real names!

        Like

  36. Doc Reventlov says:

    My biggest question is how did they get the donkey from the “traveling petting zoo” to the full house? How does Kimmie Gibbler have room in her car for a donkey?

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      Don’t you ask about that at the dealership? How many dead hookers can fit in the trunk and what size donkey can fit comfortably in the back seat? No? Just me and Kimmie then?

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        How much meth can fit in the trunk as well! I saw an episode of “The Golden Girls” with Blanche entertaining her 7 year old granddaughter, Melissa and having no clue as to what to do with the girl. Dorothy suggested taking Melissa to the petting zoo. Blanche said, “I would never take her to that club! I don’t even go there!”

        Like

    • Sara Wilson says:

      Classic full house. Remember when the elephant showed up at the house for Michelle’s birthday party and rang the doorbell by himself? How did he even get there?

      Like

  37. PinkDork says:

    Finally FINALLY had a chance to read this hilarious review. My week sucked the balls clean off Michelle’s ass. Just like Joey taught us last week, teaching is hard. Sure wish I was a crappy jingle writer/ crappy DJ gig instead. Gah.

    Two things: 1. Why does it always have to be Seattle the skeevy donkey pushers are coming to next? And 2. Last Wednesday was the 10 year anniversary of John Ritter’s untimely demise at age 54. Weird coincidence.

    Like

    • Pink Dork says:

      PS – Kimmie’s orange tights!

      Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Pretty sure I had an outfit as stylin’ as Kimmie’s. Only my tights were teal and my patterned shorts had jewel-colored Mickey Mouse silhouettes.
        Also, why does everybody skip Portland? If you’re going from San Fran to Seattle, you have to come through our town on I-5, and we’d appreciate the pop-over, even if it is a lousy donkey show. It’s not as though we’re fucking Medford or something.

        Like

      • Pink Dork says:

        Or ASTORIA – right? jeeez.

        It’s usually serial killers and meth dealers (I’m looking at you Breaking Bad!) with baddies moving up here. But I’ll take that over crappy ass petting zoos any day. Besides, Seattle has a lovely PERMANENT petting zoo with plenty of donkeys.

        And John Ritter was a superb comedian. Have any of you ever seen “They all Laughed”? effen bril. Worth a look.

        Like

    • Bridget says:

      PinkDork, I think John Ritter’s death came out of left field, and as I said I thought it was gonna be Don Knotts. I remember Richard Thomas on ET being interviewed after John’s death and I could tell he had been crying. That was strange to see because just a month earlier he and young son, Montana had been on ET and they were playing with that toy slime. I did think John Ritter had a lot more talent as a comedian than either Jesse and Joey!

      Like

  38. Breanne says:

    Oh no! I’m finally caught up to real time. I’ve been tearing through the archives over the past week and a half but I’m kinda bummed that I have to wait till Friday for another review now!

    Thanks for all of these! So great.

    Like

  39. Bridget says:

    The most narcissistic band name in the history of band names comes up on Friday, Sept. 20!

    Like

  40. SavaFiend says:

    So this is another episode where DJ refers to the fact that she needs sleep for something for school the next day and then can’t get it? Nice…nothing else to do with DJ’s character at this point except have her not get enough sleep. First the SAT’s, now this!

    Maybe Michelle made so much at the lemonade stand because she was getting all the foot traffic from the traveling petting zoo!

    Like

  41. Jack says:

    I had not yet learned in life that donkeys bite AND DON’T LET GO OF YOUR HAND. SERIOUSLY, THEY JUST KEEP PRESSING HARDER AND HARDER WITH THEIR TEETH. So this episode was merely amusing. -ish.

    Like

  42. Carrie says:

    I just recently discovered this gem of a website, and have been thoroughly entertained by the Tanner’s stupidity. Like most of your readers, I grew up watching this show (and in my case, actually liking it) and it has now becoming increasingly obvious how shitty it really is. Thank you for making me look forward to Friday even more now!

    Like

  43. Pin a rose on your nose says:

    Come and knock on our door
    (Come and knock on our door)
    We’ve been waiting for you
    (We’ve been waiting for you)
    Where the kisses are hers and hers and his
    Three’s company, too!
    Come and dance on our floor
    (Come and dance on our floor)
    Take a step that is new
    (Take a step that is new)
    We’ve a loveable space that needs your face
    There’s company, too!
    You’ll see that life is a ball again and
    Laughter is call in’ for you
    Down at our rendezvous
    (Down at our rendezvous)
    There’s company, too!

    Liked by 1 person

  44. can i asked when nicky and alex way up and michelle says how come you little fuckers never pull this shit with Stephanie, is tht what shes says in the gag reel and if so can i get a link to this gag reel

    Like

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