Aw, is it the finale already? It only feels like I watched about 10 billion episodes of this crap. This one begins with the official opening of DJ and Matt’s shared pet clinic, and what could be more exciting than that? Steve comes in and tries to salt Matt’s game, and I am once again perturbed by how much more intense the Matt vs. Steve situation is by DJ and Matt becoming business partners. It stresses me out to even think about it. Like, I just don’t see any way that DJ can get through this situation without it causing her a lot of problems.
Back at the fuller house, Kimmie Gibbler prepares to get remarried to Fernando the next day. DJ’s like, why the fuck are you getting married so soon? You guys just got engaged yesterday and Kimmie Gibbler tries to make sense of the whole thing by saying that she wants to join festivities with Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky, who are coming to the fuller house to renew their marriage vows, but that really just makes things more confusing. First of all, why does the Fernando marriage have to take place 2 days after the Fernando engagement? They could have easily stated that more time had passed between episodes. Aren’t there logistics involved, like inviting people and figuring out where they’re gonna live and shit like that? And how does saying that the ceremony will be linked up with Becky and Jesse’s serve as any kind of explanation? We never heard about this vow renewal before, and why would they be doing it at the fuller house anyway? The answer to all of these questions is, of course, because it’s the Season finale and all of this provides quite the spectacle. And also, who cares?
Jesse and Becky enter the house and there is much hooting from the audience. Kimmie Gibbler shows them upstairs and there’s an interesting moment where Jesse leaves Becky behind to carry all the bags herself. This is one of those instances where they seem to be making an intentional effort to acknowledge what a fuckhead Jesse is. His horrible husbandry usually went without comment in the original series and it wasn’t really clear how deliberate a creation it was, but moments like this allude to the creators doing it on purpose, or at least being aware of it.
Kimmie Gibbler sets her room up all nice so Becky and Jesse can get their fuck on in there, seeing as how it was their old room and all. Kimmie Gibbler begins to explain to them that she and Fernando are gonna latch onto their ceremony and then Fernando enters and, despite his overdone accent, he manages to elucidate the situation to everyone. Becky goes along with it because she’s used to having everything in her life ruined by a bunch of selfish assholes but Jesse is more hesitant. Kimmie Gibbler offers him the “Kimmie Special,” which is a discounted event price, and then, to sweeten the deal, Becky offers him the “Becky Special,” which I’m pretty sure is a rimjob. Incidentally, how much could this event even cost? Sorry for spoilers, but they pretty much all just stand around in the backyard together.
Jesse’s big idea of romance is taking Becky into the kitchen to recreate the meal from their first date, which is, of course, from McDonald’s. What a cheap piece of shit. Becky is thrilled because she has learned to live a life of no expectations and she’s just happy that he made any effort at all. DJ, Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler roll up and grab Becky so they can have a bachelorette party, leaving Jesse alone to watch the baby and give DJ’s oldest kid advice about how to bag Lola. Jesse tells him to take advantage of Lola’s emotional state due to their being a wedding and then he uses the baby to demonstrate what moves he should use on Lola, which I don’t really know how to even begin to talk about.
DJ’s middle kid walks in and starts eating the food because why shouldn’t he just be able to come in and take whatever the fuck he wants? Ramona also enters the scene and she tells everyone that she’s gonna move out once her parents get remarried, which she’s sad about even though there’s never been any indication that she likes living there. DJ’s oldest kid is excited by this news because he’ll have his own room again but the middle kid aint havin’ it. The scene ends with a really long shot of the baby trying to eat a McDonald’s cheeseburger.
The ladies all come home drunk and decide to call Michelle and leave her a message containing all of her annoying childhood catch phrases. That’s what she gets if you ask me. I hope the Olsen twins are plagued by people doing that in real life. I really do. Even though this doesn’t even qualify as a cameo, it was still more Michelle than I wanted to see on this show. Anyway, Kimmie Gibbler laments the end of their fun, drunken ladies nights due to her getting married and then the focus turns to DJ and who she’ll take to the wedding. She says that she wants to go by herself because she doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings so, naturally, Kimme Gibbler calls Steve to invite him and Stephanie does the same thing with Matt, both without telling DJ.
As she prepares for the wedding, Kimmie Gibbler has a heart-to-heart with Ramona about leaving the fuller house. DJ’s oldest kid walks in and asks which tie he should wear in order to best attract Lola and then he refers to himself as, “J-Money,” which I really hate. He’s been doing it all Season and I never mentioned it because I wanted to ignore it, plus I kept hoping it would be the last time it happened. But, no, he just kept right on doing it. He also tells them that the middle kid is refusing to go to the wedding so Kimmie Gibbler goes to tend to his selfish needs.
The middle kid tells Kimmie Gibbler that he’s hella pissed about her and Ramona moving out and that he doesn’t give a fuck about her life outside of how it directly effects him. Kimmie Gibbler offers him the job of ring bearer and this proposal to make the event at least partially about him is enough to get him to agree to participate. Hugs ensue.
Steve and Matt show up for the wedding, as per usual about 30 seconds apart and as per usual without having seen each other outside first somehow. The wacky circumstance of them both having been invited comes out in the open and then Matt and Steve talk about how stressful it’s been for them to both want to bang DJ so Matt offers Steve a Rolaid, which Steve endorses with the products catch-phrase. This lead to a definitive conclusion on my part about deliberate product placement on this show, including the McDonald’s stuff from earlier, plus that weird Target plug a few episodes ago. It’s always weird when shows make a joke about their product placements because it does not make up for the fact that they are still product placements.
Matt and Steve tell DJ that they’re sick of this shit and she needs to pick one of them already so she agrees to make a decision after the wedding, which seems like a pretty arbitrary time to me. She might as well just be like, I’ll tell you at the end of the episode. She then walks outside while holding hands with both of them and it kind of seems like they should just form a polyamorous unit. I swear that this show is really all about polyamory. It always has been.
The wedding takes place in the backyard and is officiated by Joey, who comes out in a hockey jersey that’s been turned into a robe, plus rollerblades, just to prove yet again what a giant dickhole he is. One thing that would make this feel like a really satisfying finale would be if Joey died but, I’m sorry to say, it’s not gonna happen. Man, I’d give anything if Joey died.
I would also like to point out that, aside from Matt and Steve, the only person at this ceremony who does not live in the fuller house is Lola. Not one extra was hired for the ceremony. Not one.
As the brides walk down the aisle, Stephanie sings some bullshit garbage song that she supposedly wrote and there are close-ups of everyone that are supposed to make us believe in love again or some shit like that. DJ stares at Matt until Steve pulls her face towards him in this really creepy way. Ramona stares at the baby, which doesn’t really make any sense at all, and Joey looks at Mr. Woodchuck. I don’t know which is worse, having to look at a close-up of his stupid face or further evidence that he fucks that puppet.
Jesse and Becky exchange vows and then Fernando and Kimmie Gibbler do the same. Joey asks them all to say, “I do,” and when it’s Kimmie Gibbler’s turn she runs away. Ramona follows her into the house and they have a heartwarming talk wherein Ramona declares that she supports Kimmie Gibbler’s decision whether or not she remarries Fernando. Kimmie Gibbler decides to go through with it and reenters the ceremony, only to run back into the house at the “I do” moment again. Did I mention yet that this episode is super fucking long? Anyway, this time DJ and Stephanie follow her into the house and they have a heart to heart with her and then she decides, again, to go back out and marry Fernando. Don’t you love it when a sequence keeps repeating and it doesn’t move the plot forward at all? I sure do!
Once again the “I do” moment arrives, and once again Kimmie Gibbler tries to run away. This time, the wedding party blocks her escape and Fernando is finally like, what the fuck? Kimmie Gibbler says that she likes living in the fuller house and doesn’t want to interfere with what seems like a fairly solid premise that will probably get renewed for a second Season. In a shockingly sensible moment, she says that they should plan on being engaged for more than 2 days before getting married and allow for their relationship to build organically over time.
Jesse and Becky split and then DJ’s oldest kid walks Lola out and she gives him a smooch. I guess that they’ve been building up to that for the whole Season but it still had a real who cares effect. It may be because DJ’s oldest kid is so terribly uninteresting, but it probably also has something to do with the lack of tension or intrigue throughout this storyline. Basically, he likes her and she seems like she may be interested in him, too, and then this happens. That took like 10 episodes.
Matt and Steve wait for DJ in the backyard (I kind of like to think that they’ve been standing there like that for hours, and there’s no reason given to believe otherwise) and then she approaches them with Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler in tow. They talk about this situation being similar to The Bachelorette, which has been kind of a running gag for a few episodes, and I can only assume that this scene emulates that show since I’ve never watched it.
After a series of long, drawn-out exchanges, DJ says that she chooses herself. What!??! She explains that it still hasn’t been very long since her husband died a horrible, gruesome, fiery death and she’s not ready to commit to anyone, which, much like the Kimmie Gibbler conclusion from a few minutes ago, is shockingly sensible. Both guys agree to wait in the wings so that this love triangle can be drawn out for at least another Season, then the guys leave to go get a beer together. They’re totally gonna have a sword fight in the alley after a few drinks. I knew they’d end up together.
After the guys leave, DJ, Kimmie Gibbler and Stephanie agree to continue their lives together, which are going pretty well without any husbands or serious boyfriends. I actually thought this was a really good ending. It’s like the show finally developed some admirable-or at least understandable-principles after 30 years. It’s also a nice note to end on for me because there’s no fucking way I’m reviewing Season 2. Sorry guys, I’m totally over this shit. You can watch it and make fun of it all you want. I’m done.
I’ll be back next week with a review of the Season as a whole and then that’ll be it for this whole blog, for reals this time. If you’re interested in other dumb pop-culture garbage from me, there’s always Saved by the Bell Reviewed, a delightful podcast I do with several other hilarious geniuses, and you can support the 80’s TV Parody Adult Coloring Book, which is doing pretty poorly as far as crowd-funding campaigns go. If this blog’s audience were more willing to support these kinds of projects, I might be more willing to keep reviewing this show. There’s only one way to find out.
Thank you, Billy Superstar! I am so sorry they rebooted this shitty show and you were dragged out of retirement to write about it. And I’m glad you’ll be entirely thru with the whole shitty (but beloved by me) endeavor next week. I don’t like to think of you suffering. Only one huge question remains: will you have a reboot wrap party? Because I’d be most definitely in!
xoxo ❤ Pink Dork
Billy, if you don’t review Season 2 no one will know what I will be writing and you said I should be bowed down to! I will miss you and your cutting remarks about FH!
I’m sad every time you threaten to stop writing about this shitty show. I love your blog and think you’re hilarious. Seriously, I look forward to this nonsense every week. Cheers.
I’m bummed to see you say you won’t review the second season. Especially since the second season probably won’t air until the winter so you have like 6 months off to not even think about Full House. Also it seems like you actually slightly enjoyed the season, or at least didn’t hate it as much as Full House. So I hope you’ll reconsider in a few months when the second season actually comes out.
If you truly don’t review it though, thanks for the years of entertainment and the continued entertainment because I reread your reviews all the time.
A great wrap-up, Billy! I’m glad to see that you, like DJ, are “choosing yourself” and focusing on other projects. Even if this is the penultimate entry on the blog, you had a great run, and I’ve loved the reviews! Could it be that a Season Finale featuring sensible choices and decisions is a reflection of the end of the total ridiculousness of the full house? Only time will tell…
Guessing the word came down that they were getting a second season, so they decided not to resolve anything. Still, I’m kinda glad because DJ just picking a guy would have been unsatisfying, and Kimmy getting married after 2 days would be stupid. On the old show there’s no way they wouldn’t have tried to make the season finale more of an “event”, even if it’s incredibly contrived.
Mediocre end to a mediocre series.
But an excellent end to a truly excellent blog. Sorry you won’t be reviewing season 2, your writing is hilarious and it’s really helped me figure out just why I found Full House to be so distasteful, even amid the overall quagmire of suck that was sitcoms in the early 90s. This new series is better, but only in the sense that is manages a 4/10 to the old show’s 1.
Shame the Kickstarter isn’t doing better, it’s a fantastic idea and I really want one of those books. Have you been posting about it elsewhere? It’s the sort of idea I could see reddit or tumblr getting into.
Thanks for all the laughs, Billy. Staying with this toilet fire of a franchise for over six years is more than can be asked of anyone. Good luck, and stay a Superstar.
Kimmie just decided to make it a double ceremony without clearing it with Becky and Jesse first? More evidence the Overlook Hotel theory is correct. That sounds like just the pushy and self centered behavior you’d expect from a Tanner. Looks like Kimmie has gone to the dark side.
Kimmy’s running back and forth from the alter reminds me of when Becky did the same thing when she tried to elope with Jesse in Tahoe. Little did she know, she’d be making the same mistake of marrying Jesse just two short years later. Good to see Jesse is still a selfish, useless asshole all these years. But then again, nothing about Jesse, or the rest of this family, surprises me anymore. Not even Joey wearing a hockey uniform and officiating what would’ve been Kimmy and Fernando’s wedding.
Too bad you’re not reviewing Season 2 of Fuller House, I liked your reviews. Thanks for the laughs, and thanks for your comeback to this blog after reviewing the old series. You made my Friday mornings worth it!
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If you really don’t review Season 2, I have a feeling Netflix is going to be puzzled by the drop in viewership (assuming they have a way to keep track of which shows are watched – and I’m guessing they do). I personally only watched these Asshole Parthenons dickhole (truly awesome word, btw) it up because you were reviewing the episodes. If there’s no reviews I doubt I’ll watch.
Learning you are definitely not going to review season 2 leaves me exceedingly bummed out. But I thank you for your suffering and dedication for all the other reviews.
I am now consoled a bit though – I just got news that my Guns n Roses ticket has been secured! (got the text as I was typing this.) That was the only news that could cheer me up. Whew – what a rollercoaster of emotions.
Ok, now my final time to bitch about the episode and deal with all the illogical shit.
I’m glad that DJ chose to pick herself but I wish she’d say that she was definitely NOT ever going to choose Steve. He’s such an insecure douche with her. He gets into the photo of her and Matt – for their business. It wasn’t a random photo of the two them but for their BUSINESS – which Steve is not a part of. So insecure and passive aggressive.
And it’s funny that they managed to get so many extras for the pet clinic grand opening but nary a one for a WEDDING.
Yeah – if it was so important for Jesse and Becky to have a vow renewal – why at the Fuller House and WITHOUT their sons or even Danny there? Seems like a lot of effort to go through if significant family members/friends aren’t going to be there. Also – where are Kimmie’s parents (do they still live next door – was that ever mentioned/cleared up? If they moved or something I don’t recall and I never watched the original show after a certain point so I just don’t know what happened to her family) or Fernando’s parents? Yeah, it made ZERO sense to get married to fast – especially if by having the wedding that soon you don’t get to have significant people in your life there.
I know a vow renewal isn’t on par with a wedding-wedding but I’d be hella pissed all the way around by how the whole thing turned out. Having people crash your event so essentially you get stuck footing the bill (even if you get a discount because of said crashing) and then it end up being all about the other couple with the bride’s excessive drama. And of course – Joey being over the top annoying with the sports references, the whistle blowing, and making it as unromantic as humanly possible. And he brought that fucking woodchuck and had it sitting in a chair as a “guest”? He and Steve should just bunk together in their murder cabins and do depraved things to each other to get it out of their systems and to spare unsuspecting innocent people from their creeper ways.
Speaking of Joey – so he just disappeared without a word to anyone during the Bachelorette bit? Also who took in the baby? One minute he’s out there and the next he’s not.
One saving point in this episode was that there seemed to be a tad less of the yeller. But of course any moment with him highlighted his utter obnoxiousness. The way he started eating – blegh. His being a little prima donna while walking down the aisle during the ceremony. He’s the Donald Trump of kids. Everything out of mouth is obnoxious and grating and you just want to punch him in the face.
I’m a bit surprised the show had that much self awareness to make the point 3 times that Jesse is a selfish prick. Two times with the luggage and then when Becky said “it’s your turn to put me first” or whatever she said when she was pulled away from their “romantic” recreation of their first date to go to Kimmie’s bachelorette party.
For once I agreed with Jesse – not necessarily about them leaving without saying a word (again, what a lot of effort to do the vow renewal there if you’re gonna split immediately after it was over) but about not paying for that atrocity. And why was there no photographer/videographer? Who doesn’t have pictures taken during a wedding? Kimmie really sucks at planning events if she doesn’t even have the insight to hire a photographer – or at least commandeer someone attending to take some snapshots.
That voicemail to Michelle was one of the most pointless couple of minutes in the history of this show. Its ONLY purpose was to get off fans of the original show – it was like a nostalgia hand job.
And the cake – ok, first so dickhead to start eating it before the actual couple it was originally purchased for had a chance to see it/eat it. And if you just had to have a piece of cake – cut a damn piece rather than eating directly from the cake with your fork that keeps going in your mouth and then back into the cake. Gross. But also once again the show is completely illogical about the amount of food people eat. First was the yeller and all those M&Ms then them eating an ENTIRE wedding cake in a really short amount of time? Bullshit. If people were eating that much cake (or M&Ms) there would be vomiting or really ill people – if not a trip to the ER.
Sigh – I’m so not going to miss that shitheap of a show but I am going to miss bitching about it and reading the reviews. Thank you again for all the laughs, Billy Superstar!
That seems to be this show’s thing: people rudely devouring cake for dickish reasons. That being said, if I was in Kimmie’s position, I probably would have cut a piece off of the back myself: sometimes you just need some fucking cake.
HA! YES! Statt is canon, bitches! That kiss last week was, too! Statt is straight-up my Fuller House OTP, because everything else is either creepy or boring. I would love to see them take a poll of viewers to see which couple the audience liked best, only to have it end with a write-in of “Steve and Matt.”
Also: get with it, people. I can only buy so many coloring books myself.
DJ and Kimmie were both sensible in their decisions. For DJ it was pretty similar to the Viper vs Nelson storyline in the last season, where she ends up not being able to choose so she chooses neither. For Kimmie, her and Fernando really did need to go a while and see what their relationship is like at a later time. The whole Bachelorette thing was pretty dumb, but at least the ending made sense.
I was confused about the time setting of the show too. It seems like each episode is only a day or two apart from the previous, but there are also times that it seems to be the usual week between TV episodes. It also seems like there wasn’t supposed to be 20 years between the original show ending and this one beginning, and it always felt like other than a couple of times that the characters never interacted with each other much before the start of this show.
I hope they get rid of the Steve vs Matt with DJ storyline in season 2. It just wasn’t all that entertaining. I also couldn’t stand Fernando, so I hope we don’t him much in the next season.
I hope you decide to do season 2 Billy, but if you don’t it’s totally up to you. I didn’t find out about this website until sometime last summer but I’m so glad I did because it’s hilarious and it made me see how stupid the show really was sometimes. If this is indeed the end, thanks for all of your hard work and all you endured for us.
The fact that Matt’s father wasn’t at the ribbon-cutting ceremony bugged me more than it should’ve. I’d like to think he’s disowning his son for sharing the family business with DJ.
Hadn’t he booked it to India (hence why they did the Indian themed going away/retirement party)? Maybe he felt that the business wasn’t really any different except for adding an owner and her name to the business name.
Also, when Matt and Steve show up (at the same exact time, even though they’re both early, and it was acknowledged that a time was never given. And for some reason neither Matt nor Steve called ahead to figure out when it was, and they just showed up at some random time, fully dressed), they call each other “easy on the eyes” and “cute as a puppy”, which just proves that this show is really living up to its history by teasing us with blatantly homosexual allusions.
“It’s also a nice note to end on for me because there’s no fucking way I’m reviewing Season 2. Sorry guys, I’m totally over this shit. You can watch it and make fun of it all you want. I’m done.”
This is pretty disappointing, but I can’t really say I’d blame you. I’m surprised you even made it through the season.
My biggest question is where the fuck were Jesse and Becky’s piece of shit sons? The least those ungrateful assholes could have done is made an appearance. I’m assuming it has something to do with the appalling way they were raised. Or possibly they still resent those tragic haircuts Becky forced them to have.
Never commented before, but I just wanted to say that I really love this blog a lot!! I hope you decide to review the next season as I know a lot of people would enjoy it. There are very few things on the internet that make me genuinely laugh out loud, and this blog is one of them. Have a great day!
I did find a Wiki Full House fan theories website all of us especially GG Regina would be interested in! I think if Billy posts the recap we can talk about the theories.
I just Googled it, interesting stuff! My favorite theory is the one where Michelle doesn’t exist. Not only because Michelle is an insufferable little brat, but for the creepy, (but hilarious), video that is of Danny pretending Michelle exists. It’s priceless seeing him pick up air, and talk to literally nothing, and the whole family goes along with it. X D The other theories listed on the wiki site are pretty interesting too, especially the “Danny is not actually the father” one. That theory I definitely believe in, for reasons given on that same site.
I like the Purgatory one with Michelle as the demon. I like the fact Aaron Bailey and Kimmy Gibbler are imps who torment Jesse and Joey because those 2 deserve it!
I feel so sorry for you but your going to be dragged out of retirement for SEASON 2 of fuller house. And the other sad thing is this piece of shit show is #1 on netflix and maybe #1 of all tv shows when it comes to popularity. Cya for Season 2.
With DJ’s middle kid eating so much…. maybe he is Steve’s son?? Just throwing it out there!!
Also, second time Kimmie did not go through with the wedding – the first being the one with Dwayne.
Also, true to the tradition of making love interests disappear, we never saw Mrs. Tanner from the first episode again!!
Just to close this, on the theory that it is the house that makes people crazy: I love how all sensible decisions (DJ picking neither Viper nor Nelson; and neither Steve nor Matt; Kimmie not remarrying Fernando) are all taken OUT of the house, even if just as far as the backyard.
Ha sword fights – yes!! It’s Sunday night and I’m stoned and SO glad I re-discovered this blog! Man! I was coming here to actually re-read old stuff until like two days ago when I discovered there’s new shit! Hell yeahhhh!!! Also – how do I buy that coloring book? I clicked on the Kickstarter but the project looks dead? How do I get this? Shut up and take my money, Billy Supastar!
Sad end to a wonderful endeavor. The thing about the coloring book sounded almost threatening. Thank you, and beat of luck.