Season 3, Episode 16, “Bye, Bye Birdie”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Danny and Joey measure Michelle and tell her that she’s grown half an inch since the last time she was measured but she doesn’t give a shit.

Danny, Joey, Jesse and Rebecca Donaldson put Michelle to bed and set up the premise for the episode by reminding her that tomorrow is her first day of preschool.  Why this child is starting preschool in the middle of the season isn’t explained, but I assume it’s either another symptom of Danny’s fucked up parenting or so Michelle could get her own first day of school episode that didn’t compete with Stephanie and DJ’s.  The grown-ups all tell Michelle that preschool’s the shit so she gets real excited about going.

After Michelle is put to bed she has a dream about preschool.  The idea of venturing into Michelle’s psyche is already pretty odd, but even being mindful of that going into the next scene cannot prepare you for the totally bizarro shit that appears.

The Vaseline smear over the camera lens combined with the incredibly cheap sets makes the whole sequence look like a 70’s porno movie.  During the scene, Michelle imagines all the adults that just put her to bed as…I’m not really sure what.  Toys or kids or something?  They all overact in their embarrassing costumes for a few minutes before the most unholy site you’ve ever laid eyes upon makes its way onto the screen and into your subconscious mind forever.

Michelle appears as a princess before all the other characters and they do this really fucked-up (and really, really cheap looking) effect where she’s as tall as everyone else.  The thing that makes it so scary is that a 3 year old’s body is proportionately very different from an adults, so when you stand them next to each other it just looks wrong.  Combine that with the fact that Rebecca Donaldson has painted on Howdy Doody freckles and Jesse’s dressed like a cowboy and top it off with the group of them chanting some weird song about how rad Michelle is that’s made to sound like something a baby would make up and you have a sequence that’ll put a man like me in therapy.  I mean, really, what the fuck?

DJ is leaving early for school and when she won’t tell Stephanie the reason for it she is bombarded with invasive questioning.  They never do say what DJ’s up to but my money’s on her and her friends doing whip-its in the school parking lot.  DJ tells Stephanie to fuck off and then heads into the kitchen where she catches Michelle packing herself a lunch by putting everything in the refrigerator into a big paper shopping bag.  DJ also discovers that Michelle’s dress is on backwards, which really makes you wonder where the fuck all the adults are in this scenario.

Stephanie gets so desperate to learn more about DJ’s illegal nitrous oxide habit that she rips the lock off of her diary.  Her invasive behavior is interrupted by Jesse, who enters the scene and quickly finds the hastily discarded diary in Comet’s mouth.  The diary gets all chewed up but there’s no notion that Stephanie will blame Comet for the lock being broken or anything.  Stephanie trying to fix the broken lock plays out in the next few scenes but there’s no mention of Comet having chewed it up so I’m really not sure why it happens.

Danny escorts Michelle to her first day of preschool.  It seems like the class is already in session so maybe we are supposed to assume that she’s starting in the middle of the semester or something?  Anyway, Michelle is introduced to her classmates, which ushers in a whole new era of bizarre interactions between small children on screen.  Seriously, every time these kids have an exchange it’s all stilted and awkward like they’re all on Quaaludes or something. These kids must’ve all come from the Drew Barrymore school of child acting.  Anyway, Michelle is introduced to a new character, Aaron Bailey, who’s usually the only other little kid that they bother giving lines to.

Aaron Bailey is played by that scary ass baby from Pet Sematary.  Actually, this kid was kind of everywhere for a while, like for example he’s also the kid in Kindergarten Cop who tells Arnold Schwarzenegger, “boys have a penis, girls have a vagina,” which is a line that’s at least as funny to me now as it was when I was 9 years old. I’d pay ten million dollars to hear him say that shit on Full House.

Danny is apprehensive about leaving Michelle at preschool by herself but she tells him to back up off her jammy so he finally splits.  Moments later, the teacher calls for story time and everyone gathers around except for Michelle because she’s trying to get the class bird out of his cage.  As soon as she gets the cage door open the bird immediately flies out the window and all the other kids in the class get all pissed.  No, but really though, why is nobody ever supervising Michelle?  It’s bad enough that she can roam around the full house unsupervised, but now she’s been in this class for like 5 minutes and already the teacher is totally oblivious of her behavior while she fucks around with the birdcage in front of a big ass open window?  Those little kids should be pissed at their teacher, man.  But, no, they blame Michelle, and she and Aaron have this really unsettling exchange of dialogue right before the commercial break.  Feeling guilty, Michelle says, “I’m sorry, I’m a bad girl.”  And then Aaron says, “A very bad girl!” and then Michelle looks upset and says, “I’m a very bad girl” while sad music comes on.  Now is it me or is that really disturbing?  First of all, there’s the whole stilted child acting element, so watching these kids talk to each other is like witnessing an out of body experience.  I always wonder why they don’t edit the cutaway shots of the kids better.  It’s really clear that they’re just doing a bunch of separate takes of the kids saying their dialogue and splicing them together to create these scenes, so why do they always leave an extra couple of seconds of dead space before and after the kids say anything?  They don’t do that when the adults have cutaway shots.  You can actually see the kids looking around and waiting for someone to feed them some lines.  But, you know what?  That’s not even what really freaks me out about the end of the scene.  Now, this might be my problem instead of Full House’s, but I just had to put it out there that I’ve never in my life watched anything filmed where two characters are exchanging dialogue like Michelle and Aaron’s without leather bondage gear on.

While trying to repair the damage that’s been done to DJ’s diary, Stephanie accidentally glues it to her hand.  What follows is yet another tired ass scene where someone acts all nervous and unnatural while trying to hide something that’s really obvious.  We haven’t gotten one in about 2 episodes so I guess it’s about time.  DJ invites Stephanie to the mall and then Joey invites her for ice cream but she can’t go to either because she’s got her hand hidden under a pillow.  What an hysterical circumstance!  Anyway, Joey decides to figure out what Stephanie is hiding and discovers the diary glued to her hand.

Meanwhile, Danny and Jesse show Michelle a new bird they’ve purchased for her classroom to replace the one that she freed.  Michelle says that she still doesn’t want to go back to preschool so Jesse tells her that she doesn’t have to.  It’s actually pretty funny because Jesse sees not making her go to school as this really great solution for the problem.  He sits in a chair and folds his hands while looking all smug and says, “problem solved.”  What an asshole!  Danny tells Jesse that his plan was fucking retarded and then Jesse shares an anecdote about a traumatic episode from his youth when he accidentally killed his class fish and then the other kids gave him a real hard time.  The story ends with the kids leaving Jesse alone after moving on to treat some other kid like shit instead and then after he’s done telling it Jesse decides that Danny was right after all.  Wait…  what?

Joey manages to detach Stephanie’s hand from DJ’s diary but he glues it to his own hand in the process.  DJ enters the scene and gets all pissed at Joey but then he narc’s out Stephanie.  DJ gets hella pissed at Stephanie and tells her to stop fucking with her shit but then Stephanie tells DJ that she’s fascinated by her and DJ gets all flattered and decides to include Stephanie in her life more.  So, yeah, it’s basically just the same exact DJ and Stephanie storyline we’ve seen a dozen times already.  Seriously, that’s like their whole relationship.

Michelle makes Danny come with her to preschool and he interrupts the class and demands that everyone pay attention to him and his stupid daughter so they can make a peace offering with the new bird they bought.  The kids decide that Michelle is ok after all and so she tells Danny that she likes preschool again and he doesn’t have to stay with her.  Yeah, that’s it.

So, just to make sure we didn’t miss anything, let’s just briefly revisit the main storyline for this episode:  Michelle goes to preschool, loses the class bird, the kids get mad at her, they buy a new bird for the classroom, Michelle is accepted by her classmates.  What the fuck was that?  Was that the most banal storyline you’ve ever seen in your life or what?  It was such a total non-story that they had to pad it out with a dream sequence, which is a cheap trick that they’d resort to pretty often in the earlier episodes.  I was foolish enough the think that they’d moved past it.  Also, the arrival of Aaron Bailey brings us ever closer to more and more Michelle-centric storylines with her and her little cast of bratty friends.  It’s like, hey, great, I already can’t stomach one hideous little kid who spouts out obnoxious one liners all the time, let’s just get a whole herd of them.  Yeah, hey, that’s fuckin great.  Well, shit.

Firsts:  Michelle in preschool, Aaron Bailey

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42 Responses to Season 3, Episode 16, “Bye, Bye Birdie”

  1. Teebore says:

    Combine that with the fact that Rebecca Donaldson has painted on Howdy Doody freckles and Jesse’s dressed like a cowboy and top it off with the group of them chanting some weird song about how rad Michelle is that’s made to sound like something a baby would make up and you have a sequence that’ll put a man like me in therapy. I mean, really, what the fuck?

    First of all, holy crap, that sounds like a fever dream of insanity. Maybe the writers were doing whip-its in the studio lot before sitting down to hammer out this episode?

    Secondly, while “Michelle goes to school, loses the bird” and “Stephanie stupidly glues her hand to DJ’s diary” are both plots I have sadly vivid memories of, I have absolutely no recollection of the look inside Michelle’s fractured psyche.

    my money’s on her and her friends doing whip-its in the school parking lot.

    That might actually explain a lot going forward.

    It seems like the class is already in session so maybe we are supposed to assume that she’s starting in the middle of the semester or something

    Tanners go where they want, when they want, and to hell with the rest of us.

    he’s also the kid in Kindergarten Cop who tells Arnold Schwarzenegger, “boys have a penis, girls have a vagina,” which is a line that’s at least as funny to me now as it was when I was 9 years old.

    That kid fucking rocks! Sadly, even before we got to this episode, I remembered that eventually the Penis/Vagina kid from Kindergarten Cop would show up eventually. I’m pretty sure that one line is funnier than any of the intentional humor on Full House thus far (as opposed to the unintentional humor, which is pretty great).

    Like

  2. DrBitz says:

    “It’s like, hey, great, I already can’t stomach one hideous little kid who spouts out obnoxious one liners all the time, let’s just get a whole herd of them.”

    Hey, you may complain, but I looked up the ratings for season 3 and they were getting 14,091,300 people an episode. 14 million people can’t be wrong, can they? Yes…yes they can.

    By the way, the Full House theme is my ring tone for when my parents call. What does that say about me? It can’t be anything good….

    Like

  3. Jenna Nicole says:

    I get a really horrible sinking feeling in my stomach when I look at the weird chubby 3 year old arms on Michelle in the princess costume next to the real adults.

    *shudders*

    Like

  4. James says:

    First time posting-I just discovered this blog a few weeks ago and I’m already looking forward to Fridays now so I can see which episode we’re up to, how many times the spoiled baby (and now Aaron!) will inspire homicidal thoughts, and whether Uncle Jesse will be eating more fried chicken or not… I LOVE THIS BLOG!
    thanks for plodding through, it’s so worth it!

    By the way, I’m also so glad you mentioned the penis/vagina Kindergarten Cop moment on this one. That is exactly what I see every time I’ve run across an episode of Full House with that kid in it…that scene apparently burned itself into my brain forever.

    Like

  5. Scott says:

    As much as the early scene may look like it comes from a 70’s skin flick, I seriously doubt pornos of that era end with the broad dressed as Howdy Doody leaving the set unsatisfied and free of man sugar. Meanwhile, it appears that Joey is dressed up as some kind of a donkey. It’s getting freaky in the full house!

    Like

  6. Can we talk about the fact that Michelle is wearing a crown in the last screen cap? Again, tying that in to the child acting thing/Olson weirdness. She screwed up, but now she’s the princess of the group and better than the rest, who can just crowd around her while she’s the center of it all. So weird. I like the route the blog is taking by examining Michelle’s role and the impact it has on the Olsons later in life. Great stuff!

    Like

  7. Suzanne says:

    In an earlier post you wrote about Full House and our collective memory. I remember watching a lot of these episodes, but reading this one definitely brought back the same creepy feeling I had the first time I saw the adults dressed up like overgrown children and Michelle floating around or whatever.

    Like

  8. Lightweight says:

    I just started reading this blog a week or two ago and it is the best thing ever!! I used to watch full house as a kid and love reading about it now. Can’t wait to catch up and read new ones every Friday. Comments are hilarious as well! Awesome job…keep it up :).

    Like

  9. Pete says:

    Giant Michelle freaks me out even to this day. And Aaron Bailey, what a prick.

    Like

  10. Mumu says:

    Fuck you for making me remember this- “yay yay the princess is here. We love the princess her name is Michelle.”
    I may go wrap my car around a tree tonight.

    Like

  11. Dalif says:

    Miko Hughes (Aaron Bailey) was also the autistic kid in Mercury Rising. A movie with a decent premise, sadly demolished by Miko, completely overacting a stereotypical autistic kid. Top it off with Appollo 13 and we have ourselves a winner

    Like

  12. Kayla says:

    Whoa! Did you notice that when they first show Comet in this episode they use a giant dog laying on Stephanie’s bed?? Then he somehow turns back into a puppy for the other scenes.

    Like

  13. Lisa says:

    Wasn’t it just a few episodes ago (when Jesse feels like an idiot at the smart-people’s party) when he begged Michelle to stay in school and now he’s pulling her out for no good reason? Way to be consistent, Jes.

    Like

  14. PuppetDoctor says:

    In the last screenshot why is the kid in the red striped shirts stomach sticking out so much? What kind of pose is that.

    We have already begun getting into Michelle’s centric storylines. I am just awaiting the arrival of Teddy.

    Like

  15. Santanaonfire says:

    Speaking of dreams – I literally had dreams last night about reading Full House Reviewed. Not even kidding. I’ve been hitting it pretty hard over the last week trying to catch up to current so that my comments aren’t a year late. Anyway…

    “so why do they always leave an extra couple of seconds of dead space before and after the kids say anything?”

    Maybe their editing equipment and/or staff are just as lazy and bad as the writers…

    Aaron Bailey! I too have been waiting for him to show up. I will always remember him as the creepy kid Gage from Pet Cemetery. This episode marks the era in the show that I am starting to remember more from. This ep aired on February 2nd, 1990. I was 8, going to be 9 come that August.

    I believe the actor that played Aaron was also the creepy pretends-to-be-a-vampire-kid that sleeps in his toy chested from the movie Cops and Robbersons with Jack Palance (RIP) and Chevy Chase. I remember him jumping out and biting Jack.

    No, I saw that movie in the theater, which was released on April 15th, 1994 (only days after Kurt Cobain’s body was found 😦 ) I would have been 12 going on 13. I already recognized the kid as Gage from Pet Cemetery. I also remember writing Nightmare on Elm Street sequels in 4th grade to put on the magazine rack in my 13 person class at a Lutheran grade school. I got into horror at an early age… I still turned out better than the Olson twins. Though I don’t have nearly as much money, so I suppose that’s debatable.

    Like

  16. kp199 says:

    I noticed that while Michelle is busy losing the bird at school, Stephenie is peeping DJ’s diary. Did she skip school and sit on her duff all day?

    Like

  17. Lisa says:

    Here is a suggestion: Watch and review Kindergarten Cop just for little Miko Hughes. That kid is hilarious. The movie is on AMC this week. I will be watching it. I was actually in kindergarten when that movie came out. Maybe that’s why I like it so much.

    I am also pretty sure I have a picture of myself wearing a blue sailor dress exactly like the one Michelle is wearing in that picture.

    Like

  18. Kristin says:

    I used to talk to Miko Hughes about raves and World of Warcraft on MySpace a good 6 years ago or so. I completely forgot that he was on Full House until I started reading this blog. While Aaron Bailey was a little dickbag, is a pretty rad guy. It’s a shame I forgot about hs stint on the show and while I know he was all of 4 years old, it could have been worth a shot to ask if his mom or another adult on set would be able to recall any dirt, like a Dave Couilier coke habit would have been amazing.

    Re: the bird in the screencap. While I’m not well versed in bird species, I’m almost certain that’s a Conure parrot. Those birds can range from $200-800 dollars and if my kid accidentally let loose the class bird, they sure as shit wouldn’t be getting one of those costly birds as a replacement.

    Like

  19. Sarah Portland says:

    Oh, man. Discovered this blog a few days ago, have been plowing through the archives and comments, laughing my ass off, and the first comment I leave is DEFENDING the continuity of Full House?! Damn, that sucks.
    So, as a preschool teacher, I can clear up the question of Michelle starting preschool at an arbitrary time. Yes, it is possible to start preschool “whenever”. There isn’t a set school year, and many parents do it. Quite a few preschools don’t take kids unless they’re potty-trained, and when know from that stupid episode with the plastic potty with the bell that Michelle is indeed potty-trained. The schools that do take un-trained kids charge far less tuition for pre-trained kids. And yes, while most activities are done at scheduled times during the day, you can bring your kid to preschool “whenever”. There is no time that preschool officially starts in the morning. (Just be kind to the teacher, and don’t drop them off at school in the middle of naptime, wired for sound.)

    Just so that this comment isn’t totally devoid of snark, I would like to add: maybe Full House is the reason why so many other shows shy away from making the baby/toddler one of the bigger stars of the show. They all saw how God-awful the Olsen twins were, and decided that the “awww factor” wasn’t worth the shitty acting 😛

    Like

  20. Chuck says:

    Personally, I always found something disturbing about Danny’s getup during Michelle’s fantasy sequence.

    Like

  21. Mackenzie says:

    I met the guy who played Aaron Bailey at a horror movie convention once. He had autographed photos of himself from Pet Sematery and Kindergarten Cop, but none from Full House. I was deeply disappointed.

    Like

  22. Penny says:

    …. the arrival of Aaron Bailey brings us ever closer to more and more Michelle-centric storylines with her and her little cast of bratty friends.

    I can’t wait until you get to the Derek episodes. I’ve never wanted to punch some kid in the face more — he makes Michelle almost tolerable.

    Like

  23. jannghi says:

    The kid playing Aaron Bailey was also on an episode of “The Nanny” as the son of a critic played by Eric Braeden of “The Young and the Restless.” The boy is in an art class with Gracie. I forget the whole plot, but Fran is forced to take the boy on a Sunday picnic with Gracie

    Like

  24. Christian says:

    I just watched this episode on Nick@Nite…I know, I hate my life too. But I noticed that when Jesse, a grown-ass man, was telling the goldfish story he referred to kindergarten as “kindygarten”. That creeped me out just like when people say “libary” instead of library.

    Like

  25. Shmeee says:

    Having just discovered your site, I have been laughing for two hours. Either my life is sad, or you’re brilliant, or both.

    Like

  26. Kenny says:

    Michelle makes Danny come with her to preschool and he interrupts the class and demands that everyone pay attention to him and his stupid daughter so they can make a peace offering with the new bird they bought.

    LMFAO @ stupid daughter your mind is so creative lol

    These motherfuckers must have been on some good shit also especially with that dream sequence shudders.

    Like

  27. tildeloltilde says:

    I was so hoping you’d add in the “You’re a very bad girl!” line, and I oogled when I saw it 😀

    Like

  28. BOTR says:

    I remember the preschool/bird segments, but I definitely don’t remember the freaky dream sequence. How godawful.

    Like

  29. beautifulsorta says:

    “Combine that with the fact that Rebecca Donaldson has painted on Howdy Doody freckles and Jesse’s dressed like a cowboy and top it off with the group of them chanting some weird song about how rad Michelle is that’s made to sound like something a baby would make up and you have a sequence that’ll put a man like me in therapy.”

    Fear not! As you uncovered a few episodes back, you’ll have to go to therapy for 4 minutes and draw some shitty picture and you’ll be just fine.

    Like

  30. DJ Tanner's Diet says:

    I started reading this blog about 2 days ago and am up to this point but now I’m pretty fucking drunk. It took me a longass time to type that sentence. I just wanna say that I rarely actually lol at stuff but I’ve lol’d here. Particularly at one of the past few episodes… I can’t remember which one but it was great. Anyway, I’m gonna buy one of those fuckin’ shirts and wear the shit out of it. billysuperstar, you’re the man

    Like

  31. BC says:

    Love your blog, and agree on most points, but did want to point out that Michelle turned 3 a few episodes back and many preschools don’t admit kids before that age, so that could be part of the reasoning. That’s basically the only logical thing about this ep, though.

    Like

  32. Daisy says:

    Full House is before my time, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t love it when I was little. My grandma had some of the episodes taped and we watched them together. I don’t remember much except for thinking that Michelle had awesome parents. Well, now that I’m older, I see that they seemed so awesome because Michelle got to do whatever she wanted and every problem she had was solved easily. My parents wouldn’t buy my class a bird if I lost one!

    Aside from all that, though, I am watching every episode of Full House before reading the appropriate review. I love these reviews because they turn what I thought was an okay show into reality. Anyways, so I watched this episode and Michelle’s dream gave me goosebumps. I was sure I was going to have nightmares. When I got to the review and saw the screen captures I literally started to gulp down sobs. My sister walked into my room, saw me, and stared at me like I was insane.

    Like

  33. alexk79 says:

    Did anyone else ever notice that the bird that Michelle lets fly the coop’s name was Dave, and the replacement bird’s name was Sammy? Was some nerdy staff writer slipping in a Van Halen reference?

    Like

  34. alexk79 says:

    Did anyone else ever notice that the name of the bird that flew away was Dave, and the name of the replacement bird was Sammy? Was some nerdy staff writer slipping in a Van Halen reference?

    Like

  35. myladysilver says:

    I just realized that this is just like the episode where Stephanie goes to school and Jesse gets her classmates to like her by giving them stuff!

    Like

  36. R says:

    Fuck – I was directed to this site today by a comment on Dlisted and I have been fucking laughing my ass off for the last two hours. Love the site. Thank you for the much needed gut lacerations today. That ‘bondage gear’ comment ended me.

    Like

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