Season 5, Episode 10, “Happy Birthday, Babies-Part 2”

Hey, there’s no pre-credits gag again!  The fuck’s goin’ on ’round here?

The episode begins with Michelle’s Flintstones-themed birthday party in full effect.  Damn, when they said they had to get the decorations together at the end of part 1, they were not fucking around.  This shit is elaborate!  The best part is when it’s explained that Danny got all of the props and costumes from the tv station where he works.  Well, alright.  I would never have assumed that he bought all that shit from a party store, but a tv station having an elaborate collection of real-life Flintstones sets and costumes makes perfect sense.  Thanks for clearing that up.

Jesse skulks around upstairs in his Fred Flintstone costume, resentful of the fact that his daily routine of laying down and plinking away at his guitar should be interrupted by a little girl’s birthday party.  Becky comes out from the bathroom and very calmly and cheerfully announces that she’s going into labor, which sends Jesse into a spiral of confusion and ineptitude.

Struggling to help him wrap his head around the situation, Becky explains that the indigestion she thought she was having was actually labor pains, which leaves Jesse concerned about why he himself is experiencing similar discomfort.  Ever willing to put his own troubles before anything else, even the birth of his children, Jesse declares that she can’t be in labor because he’s not ready to deal with it yet, but Becky explains that their children are about to burst forth from her loins whether he’s ready or not.  After exclaiming “Have mercy!” he flails around in a pathetic attempt to put an overnight bag together until Becky explains that she’s already taken care of it.  I bet she ends up having to drive, too.

The kids at Michelle’s party all beat Danny with clubs, which actually makes it seem like a pretty great time.  I’ve had that fantasy so many times and, although it never involved a Dino costume, I’ll take what I can get.

Jesse and Becky come downstairs and tell everyone that Becky’s gotta go to the hospital because the babies are being born. Everyone flails around buffoonishly and then Kimmie Gibbler shows up all of a sudden, I guess because we haven’t seen her for a while.

And then everyone except Michelle and her party guests leave for the hospital, straight up abandoning the children.  I was kind of hoping that the moments that followed would quickly devolve into a Lord of the Flies scenario, with casualties and everything, but instead the kids all just do that Home Alone scream and eat cake.  What is it with this show and young children shoving cake into their faces?  Eventually, Joey and Stephanie remember that they’ve left over a dozen 4-year-olds unsupervised and come back.

Jesse runs around the hospital in his Fred Flintstone outfit, being a total dick to all of the hospital staff, while Becky calmly stands around, not appearing to be in any pain or discomfort.  Danny runs in, still dressed as Dino, and Kimmie Gibbler, who is there for no discernible reason, gives him a hard time about it.  Becky’s doctor shows up but before she can offer Becky any real help, Jesse starts complaining about the discomfort he’s been having.  After a 2 second examination, the doctor makes the diagnoses that Jesse needs his appendix removed which, naturally, has to happen that very second.  It’s amazing how quickly and efficiently the hospital staff comes to his aid. It really makes me miss having health insurance.  But who cares about that, the real issue is that Jesse being a terrible, terrible, unbelievably shitty husband has just reached a new height, to such a startling degree that it could have never been foreseen.  This fucking guy just could not let his wife have a baby without causing a bunch of problems and making it all about himself.  He couldn’t just stand in a room.  That’s all he had to do.  Just stand in the room, you greasy, unemployed fuck.

Before they’re wheeled off to their separate hospital rooms, Jesse asks Becky to try to wait until he recovers to have the twins, because he had to ask her for one last thing before she went off to give birth without any help from him at all.  I’m surprised he didn’t ask her to make him a sandwich, or to listen to a song he just wrote, or for money.  This shit is just unbelievable.  This show is not a comedy anymore.  I mean, I know it was never funny, but this shit makes me want to cry.  How could this poor woman’s marriage get any worse than this?  Is he going to eat the children in the next season?  Or is he going to start choking her all the time or set her on fire or something?  I just don’t see where else this could all be leading.

Meanwhile, back at the full house, Joey and the girls scramble to send all the party guests home so they can attempt to fill the cavernous pit of non-support that Jesse has created at the hospital.  The children are all instructed to open up the present they’ve brought and present it to Michelle and then she walks down the line and ranks each gift.  And that, my friends, is the end of Michelle’s birthday party.

Danny provides an appropriate surrogate for Jesse by singing “We Will Rock You” along with Becky’s lamaze breathing and then talking at length about all the pain she must be in.  Joey and the girls come in so that they can stare at Becky and make lame jokes and then Kimmie Gibbler comes in because I guess anyone who wants to is allowed to just walk right into the delivery room.  The only people who aren’t there are Jesse and anyone on the medical staff.  Proving this point in the most hyperbolic way possible, Danny bring in the fucking film crew of Wake Up, San Francisco so they can document the birth for their audience.  The only saving grace is that Becky finally advocates for herself by kicking them out.  Up until this point I thought that her character put the women’s rights movement back by a million years, but now I’d push it up to around a hundred thousand.

After a scene where Danny complains to Becky about how difficult the birthing process is for him, Jesse is wheeled into the delivery room, so doped up on pain meds that he doesn’t even know what’s going on.

Again, the tragedy here is just unbearable.  Maybe next week I’ll review that footage of the Hindenburg disaster instead of the next episode, just to give myself a little break.  Adding to the unyielding humanity is about 30 straight seconds of Becky straining to push out the babies while Jesse sings to himself.  Damn, you guys, this has got to be the most intense moment of the whole series.  I actually thought that I had gone mentally insane while I was watching it.

After the babies are born, someone is lacking enough in common sense to let Jesse hold one of them, and then Becky thanks him for making this the happiest day of her life.  WHAT!??!  I’m astounded!  This woman is totally hot and has an amazing job.  Why does she hate herself so much?  He’d have been more help if he was dead and “there in spirit.”

You guys, I can’t stand it anymore.  This is like a fucking Greek tragedy.  Anyway, the family comes in, Joey talks in a little baby voice and then the twins are named Nicky and Alex.  Everyone sings Happy Birthday and I guess we’re not supposed to feel like we’re watching 2 new members of the worst family in the world beginning a new era of shameless baby exploitation.  Oh, the humanity!

Firsts:  The twins: Nicky and Alex

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70 Responses to Season 5, Episode 10, “Happy Birthday, Babies-Part 2”

  1. Hebrewersfan says:

    I just have to say, this may be one of your best reviews yet.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Paddles says:

    I bet right after the episode ends, Jess tells everyone to clear the room so he can “have rough sex with a skinny chick again”. Becky would have probably tried to explain that they’d have to wait at least six weeks, but quickly given up and just endured the agonizing pain. But she WOULD tell him he needed to wear a condom because, you know, give me a fucking break, but he’d make doe eyes and be like “I’ve always hated not just going bareback because it makes me feel like I’m not enjoying myself as much as I want to” and Becky would feel bad and reassure him that he is great and then let him plow her raw until the nurses get called in and declare code blue due to the inevitable blood loss, and they’d ask Jesse “what the fuck’s wrong with you?” and he’d just sort of shrug and wander off to go grab a burger with the ten-spot he snagged from Becky’s purse.


  3. carinthekitchen says:

    I have a very important question here: throughout Becky’s pregnancy (which seemed pretty short but that just could be me. It was really short in TV time; maybe that’s the problem.) did she ever just attack an entire bucket of fried chicken? That’s what this show used to be about. I hate how far they’ve strayed from their core values of white hatred and Joey not having a job.


    • Zozo says:

      I distinctly remember that she did. By the way, this is one of the episodes I remember the most. Mainly because it was hella funny to see Danny the Dorky Dino get the crap beat out of him by a bunch of toddlers. Mega lulz.


  4. Joe says:

    I’m surprised no one else was uncomfortable with the fact that Steph and Joey were dressed as Betty and Barney, respectably. None of the writers thought that was a little weird?


  5. I second Hebrewersfan – this might be your best post yet. Great stuff.

    So, they had all that flinstones crap at the TV studio, fine. But the Dino suit is beg enough for a lanky-ass mother fucker like Danny? He’s tall! It seems very unlikely.

    And why was Kimmy Gibbler there? Was al she did in this episode was walk into a couple of rooms? Or did you leave some things out?

    Anyway, great post as usual.


  6. Bri says:

    My god, Hermes totally wins the douchebag award. I can’t believe the show didn’t turn into a depressing drama about a hot wealthy chick who’s been sucked into a family cult and forced to marry a complete asshole and two ugly aliens she was forced to pop out.


  7. Wilkins says:

    Oh, Becky. That poor, poor woman. *shakes head* What did she ever do to deserve all of the ignominy that befalls her in this episode? – And the nightmare begins…

    “What is it with this show and young children shoving cake into their faces?” Yeah, seriously, what is up with that?

    “and then Becky thanks him for making this the happiest day of her life.” Clearly, she’s suffering from severe Stockholm syndrome at this point. – And the real nightmare begins…


  8. Megan says:

    If only that birthday party would have turned into a Hunger Games theme with Teddy being the last one standing.

    Also, I just wanted to point out that I share a birthday with the anniversary of the Hindenburg disaster.


  9. Cylinsier says:

    I only discovered this blog a couple weeks ago and yet I can’t remember what I did with my life in the nearly 30 years before then. I have fond memories of watching this show as a kid, but I never realized what selfish bastards the Tanners all were until I found this. You’re doing the Lord’s work.


  10. Junior says:

    Your posts are always pretty funny but this one is fucking gold.


  11. Teebore says:

    Aw man, already? I thought we had a little more time before the monstrosities that are Nicky and Alex showed up. Poor, poor Rebecca Donaldson. You’ve fallen so far.

    It’s funny, I had little recollection of this episode until I saw the picture of Jermsey as Fred, and suddenly it all came flooding back….

    Just stand in the room, you greasy, unemployed fuck.

    That might just be your best line yet.

    then Becky thanks him for making this the happiest day of her life. WHAT!??! I’m astounded!

    Pain meds. Gotta be the pain meds.

    I guess we’re not supposed to feel like we’re watching 2 new members of the worst family in the world beginning a new era of shameless baby exploitation.

    Doesn’t Michelle throw a hissy fit about sharing her birthday with the Twins? Because

    A. I vaguely remember that
    B. It would seem wildly out of character for her not to.

    Maybe in the next episode?


    • Billy Superstar says:

      She seems pretty ambivalent about sharing her birthday. They tell her that they’ll get 3 birthday cakes and then she’s fine with it. I was surprised by her lack of protest, too (like maybe she would have tried to push the babies back in or something), but I guess they’re purposely trying to shift the focus from the old ugly baby to the new ones.


  12. CerebralPaulZ says:

    Well, this is it. The demon monsters have been set free to make this show 100% unwatchable over the usual 99%. Luckily they’re still babies. When I was a kid, I would turn off the TV and play outside when the insufferable toddlers came on. I hate Nicky and Alex so much! It’s hard to describe, they ruined a already horrible show.
    How long until the “Forever” music video? Maybe next episode?
    Billysuperstar: No one will blame you for walking away. You’ve had a good run – but no one is strong enough to weather the coming storm of cheese covered shit.


  13. Sully says:

    November 12, 1991 – the “birthday” (aka: air date) of Michelle and the twins… Yup, 20 years later, and I still remember that. Sad, really, REALLY sad…


  14. Amy C says:

    She very well may not have been feeling uncomfortable, if he took Lamaze (as suggested by her breathing) then she probably was handling it just fine.
    And totally normal for staff to be absent most of the time. It’s even worse today.


  15. Lauren says:

    Ugh, this show was bad before, but this is where it REALLY goes downhill. You thought the plots were stupid before, but now they’re about to get even worse. I think they even made a whole episode about how Jesse couldn’t tell his kids apart.


    • Laura says:

      Oh yeah, they did. I almost forgot about it, but now the memory is flooding in. He can’t tell them apart, so what does he do? Try to compare their footprints, of course. I distinctly remember him hiding one of the babies’ feet in his pocket. How did I think this stuff was plausible/funny when I was a kid????


  16. Kayla says:

    Two things: 1. Finally got to see Bob Saget receiving a deserved beating. 2. How would Jesse have amnesia from being under anesthesia? Does that really happen? I know it makes you do and say silly things but never heard of people forgetting family members’ names and that they have a wife, etc, etc.


    • jonny says:

      It absolutely can. Eventually long term memories come back, but most people remember nothing about the time while they are delerius


  17. Bridget Hainline says:

    Anybody else notice the murderous looks the kids are giving Michelle? Yes, Jesse does confuse the identities of the twins.


  18. Sean says:

    Mark your calender, you have just witnessed the, “jump the shark” point of this series.. From this moment on, the full house starts a pattern of sit-com regurgitation ala’ Three’s Company. [Sans sexual innuendo or culturally acceptable homophobia ]. Gonna be rough and tough watching the rest of this shit.


  19. Navarro says:

    I bet she ends up having to drive, too.



  20. Ashley says:

    This blog gives me life. I love it so much. I’m a long time reader, first time commenting- and this post was worth it. “This fucking guy just could not let his wife have a baby without causing a bunch of problems and making it all about himself. He couldn’t just stand in a room. That’s all he had to do. Just stand in the room, you greasy, unemployed fuck.” had me in stitches.

    I can’t wait until the Season 6 Disney World trip. It aired right around the time my parents took me to Disney for the first time and I remember my expectations being so ridiculously high because Michelle got to be a “Princess For The Day” and cut the lines or some shit (and I vaguely remember Stephanie being pissed about it)- only to end up being disappointed that my experience was not at all like the Tanner Family’s (my vacation included a lot more sibling rivalry, more violence, and less “deep talks and life lessons” set to comforting background music).

    Fuck Full House.

    And Alex & Nicky were the fucking worst.


    • RoxyHelen says:

      The Disney trip episode was one of the worst episodes.I think the second most insufferable episode of Bratty Michelle(the first being the one from season 7 finale when nobody moves from the full house cause Michelle says so).

      It was plain awful, I doubt any parent would have handled Michelle that way.I know if I had a child and it went wondering around Disney while I crazily looked for her I would not have been as kind as Danny, who basically said “It’s no big deal”.Also, if Michelle was my sister, no way would I have let her in front of me, no matter how much she whined.I still can’t believe it ended up almost being Steph’s fault for the whole situation.

      But yeah, I can’t wait for you to recap the epi, Billy.


  21. taffy says:

    In the next episode of Full House: Jesse isn’t sure which twin is which! UH OH! And Aunt Becky has mood swings and if she found out, it would mean the end of her marriage to Jesse! In the meantime, Danny investigates the rape of his new co-host Vicki Larson, only to discover that Joey is the culprit! Will this ruin their friendship forever? We’ll find out next week! Same FullHouseReviewed time, same FullHouseReviewed website!


  22. Joel says:

    I’ve given some thought to Rebecca and Jesse’s relationship and the only logical conclusion I can come up with is, Jesse must have the most amazing perfect dick and know how to use it to perfection and always satisfy her. It’s the ONLY thing my mind can think of for why she would put up with so much shit from him!


    • Megret says:

      As a lady who has been privy to a lot of girl talk over the years, I can confirm that there are ladies out there who would put up with a classic Jesse if the guy cleaned her pipes all the time, every time.


  23. Sally says:

    Yeah, its true, this marks the beginning of a whole new level of crappy television. It was hard enough to watch the Olsen twins deliver their lines blankly and straight into the camera, so they decided to try a new approach with the boys and give them one word lines that they just yell repeatedly and beat their fists. I wish I were exaggerating….they’re unbearable!


    • Katie says:

      No kidding. I remember the preschool episode, they could barely talk and still got accepted to some amazing school for gifted children? I think the most I ever heard them say was “mean daddy” or “I love you”

      The Olsen twins were hired because they didn’t cry at the auditions. I’d assume they took the same approach with these kids.


      • Hebrewersfan says:

        “No kidding. I remember the preschool episode, they could barely talk and still got accepted to some amazing school for gifted children? I think the most I ever heard them say was “mean daddy” or “I love you””

        For some reason, I found this comment hilarious. So true.


      • JohnMo says:

        Mean Daddy! Mean Daddy! Mean Daddy!


  24. Bridget Hainline says:

    Megan, my older brother Burke will have his 42nd birthday on the anniversary of the Hindenburg crash. I do hope that Billy Superstar doesn’t talk about the tragedy but instead focuses on how Jesse mixes up his twins.


  25. Louis says:

    This is awsome i can’t believe I just discoverer this, Great stuff..


  26. Cam Farr says:

    There was no pre-credits gag, but I remember on the only airing as a double episode, Part 1 ended with Becky having a contraction three weeks early and asks her tummy if the little ones are trying to tell her something. Commercial, then the episode continues as planned. I wonder why it was never used here or in the repeat of Part One?


  27. Colin Sean says:

    Danny’s arms are super freckled. I don’t know what’s going on there. Anyway, these two kids are going to be a nightmare. I look forward to the moment when they suddenly age two years during the summer hiatus. Maybe the writers were starting to grow weary of Michelle’s shit so their solution was… to make…. two of her so they could…. do it all over again? I don’t know. They’ve never been more concerned with painting her to be a massive cunt (yeah. I said it. Oh well.) as they were in this episode, actually having her rate her friend’s presents right in front of them. “Love it love it love it…. like it” and Teddy is all “bitch, back the fuck off.”


  28. Emily says:

    How come your doing a review on full house if you don’t even like it???


  29. Emily says:

    how come your doing a review if you don’t even like it


  30. Emily says:

    how come you are doing a review on full house if you don’t like it


  31. Stacy says:

    The whole Flintstones + husband freaking out over the wife going into labor thing reminds me of the actual Flintstones episode where Fred freaks the hell out when Wilma goes into labor with Pebbles.

    I VIVIDLY remember seeing that episode when I was a kid. I was at home recuperating from having my tonsils out. I was watching a bunch of cartoons via VHS tape and that episode of the Flintstones came on.

    Fred keeping driving off and either forgetting Wilma or leaving behind her suitcase or some crazy shit. Finally he seems to get his shit together but Wilma’s a bit exasperated and says, “Fred, the baby will be in college by the time we get to the hospital!”

    I found that hilarious – and laughed out loud, which led to immediate crying because when I laughed it felt like my throat was being shredded.

    Seeing Jersey dressed as Fred Flintstone on the day his wife goes into labor reminded me of that.

    PS – Thankfully I have spent relatively little time in hospitals but is there really a double/queen sized hospital bed in an actual hospital? I know you can get those adjustable beds in various sizes for your home. I thought all hospital beds were more twin sized.


  32. I’m very sad that you overlooked the greatest moment of the episode: when they arrive at the hospital, Jesse yanks a wheelchair from an orderly, who walks placidly away while *scratching his butt on camera.* I couldn’t believe my own eyes.


  33. Billy Superstar,

    I am sorry you had to endure that piece of shit Jersey’s lame attempt at being a husband. Thank you for all you do just to keep us entertained!


  34. cassparilla says:

    Where the crap did they get such a gigantic, plush hospital bed from??

    Also, I never realized what a total douche Jesse is. Ugh. You are so right. He’s the suckiest husband on the planet.


  35. Kate says:

    I’ve been reading my way through from your VERY FIRST entry, and I was going to hold all comments until I caught up with you, because I wanted to publicly congratulate myself. But I had to comment here. I’ve laughed and laughed so far, but this particular post had tears streaming down my face. Hilarious. Masterful. You win the internetz.


  36. sara says:

    So, I’ve read all of your reviews up to this point I’m pretty sure. Every one of them is spectacular. I just had to take a minute to tell you this is your best and funniest one of all, I think! Love it!!


  37. Rachel says:

    I enjoy that, while Becky is telling Jesse she’s going into labor as he dons a Fred Flintstone costume, there is between them in the background the framed pink rabbit, the last piece of evidence left behind that the children of the full house once had a mother. A mother, a wife, a sister. A woman who could have saved this family from the failure they have become.

    But now, all that remains is the single pink rabbit.


  38. Maddy says:

    This is a romantic moment when Rebecca has her babies and also funny because when Becky does uuu Jesse starts to sing


  39. Maddy says:

    Jesse is so dumb


  40. The Duke says:

    Has there ever, in the history of television, been a woman who has gone into labor without the husband turning into a total mongoloid?


  41. Corannhena says:

    Oh, my gods, the Lord of the Flies reference. I was watching this ep earlier (I’ve now come full circle to when I started re-watching them a few months ago on Nick at Nite, I think I started with the ep right after this one) and right after they’d left all the kids behind I was basically thinking “so is this gonna be like a Lord of the Flies thing now?” And I hadn’t read this review yet, either.


  42. hope says:

    You should not bad mouth full house how would u like it if i called you a you a sick


  43. Wiley207 says:

    I wonder if this is the reason why Dave Coulier sometimes voices Barney Rubble on “Robot Chicken,” just as he does with Popeye on the same show?


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