Season 5, Episode 12, “Bachelor of the Month”

Well, shit.  There’s no pre-credits gag again.  I’m not even gonna acknowledge it anymore when this happens.  I’m just totally over it.

Jesse comes downstairs as the rest of the family eats breakfast and then Danny and Joey totally guilt trip him about how he hasn’t been spending time with them because he has two brand new babies.  Jesse ignores their feelings, as he always does with everyone’s, and then he goes on a whole thing about what an awesome dad he is.

Vicky comes by to pick Danny up for work and then the girls all start talking to her about how bad their dad wants to fuck her.  Just as Vicky tries to break it gently to Danny that he’s horrendously unappealing, Kimmie Gibbler comes in through the back door and busts out a spread in Bay City magazine that’s declared Danny “Bachelor of the Month.”  Say Whaaat?!!?

Danny struggles to explain to Vicky that he didn’t try to get Bachelor of the Month just so he could bang a bunch of loose chicks but then he’s interrupted when a fine ass woman knocks on the back door.  I missed a lot of what she said because she was jogging in place the whole time and therefore her titties was bouncing, but I’m pretty sure that she offered to fuck Danny.

After the bouncing titties lady leaves, Danny’s like, “holy shit, I’m finally gonna get my rocks off!  It’s been like 50 episodes!” but then Michelle gets all upset because that means that he wont be around to read her a bedtime story.  The other girls point out to Michelle that Danny never gets any pussy ever, a sad fact that rings so tragically true that even Michelle is moved.

Jesse and Becky show the twins their newly finished room and then there’s a long boring scene of them being parents.  There’s an Elvis mobile and a bunch of close ups of the babies not doing anything that make the audience all go “aww” for some reason, and that’s about it.

DJ reads Michelle a story so she’ll go to sleep but then Michelle criticizes DJ’s use of tugboat noises.  Stephanie enters the room to bring Michelle a glass of water and Michelle displays a total lack of gratitude by interrogating her about whether or not it’s from the kitchen.

Even though her older sisters are implausibly tolerant of her demanding behavior, Michelle still bitches and moans about how her stupid dad isn’t around but then DJ tells her tough shit because Danny has a different piece of ass lined up for each day of the week. Since such a statement has to be seen to be believed, there’s a montage:

After the Danny-getting-hella-pussy montage, set to none other than ZZ Top (the pussy-gettin’-est of all musics), they cut to Danny bragging about said pussy on Wake Up, San Francisco.  Vicky asks him to please shut the fuck up because he’s disgusting and also he might want to actually start talking about shit that people want to hear about on his morning show.  Danny disregards both Vicky and his audience by getting into a pissy argument with her about their dating lives that climaxes with him sort of aggressively coercing her to go out on a date with him.  Although she should totally sue him for pulling some shit like that, she agrees to go on the date under the pretense that she’ll tell the viewers how shitty it was afterwards.

After Joey takes yet another message from a strange and desperate woman who wants to bang Danny, he asks Jesse how Danny is able to keep track of all of this newfound pussy.  Jesse recounts his methods of organizing all the pussy he got back in the day and then, naturally, Becky comes up behind him and gets all pissed.  Joey points out how exhausted and horrible looking they both are and then they head back upstairs to tend to their unholy spawn.

Danny tells Michelle a bedtime story that’s all about how he’s gonna fuck Vicky later and then all of a sudden Teddy walks in.  This is about as clever a reveal as you’re ever going to see on this show, as it becomes apparent that Danny and Michelle are simulating the tucking-in process hours ahead of time since Danny’ll be balls deep in Vicky’s roofied vagina by the time Michelle’s actual bedtime rolls around.

Before he leaves, Michelle asks Danny if she can come on his date but he tells her it’s better if there aren’t any witnesses.  Michelle and Teddy then share an exchange of awkwardly edited together takes where they decide to stow away on Danny’s date.

Joey and the girls make a special dinner for Jesse and Becky and offer to watch the babies for the evening.  I was pretty astonished at this display of selfless behavior, which I suppose could only ever occur for the sake of a corny set-up.

First there’s a long ass scene of Jesse and Becky trying to think of something to talk about over dinner besides the babies, which they’re unable to do.  Next there’s a scene of Joey traumatizing one of the babies by doing his terrible Popeye impression while changing his diaper.  Seriously, there’s no way that experience wouldn’t ruin that kids whole life.  The baby protests by pissing all over Joey, which serves him right for many reasons, most of which is all those jokes he told where he spit all over everything. Finally, there’s a hilarious reveal of Becky and Jesse spending their romantic dinner together sleeping.  Oh, new parents!

Danny pulls up to a fancy restaurant and then Michelle and Teddy sneak out of the back of his car.  As Danny acts like a total dipshit in front of Vicky, Michelle and Teddy somehow manage to get a booth at the restaurant.  One of the wait staff is reminded that all of the kids on this show get to eat cake all the time so he wheels a cart of it over to the kids’ table.  What is it with this show and kids eating cake?  At least they use forks this time.  Before this they always just shoveled it into their faces with their bare hands.

Danny eventually notices that his 5 year old daughter is walking around unsupervised in an upscale restaurant and asks here what the fuck she’s doing there.  Michelle complains that Danny’s never around any more to do whatever she wants all the time and then gentle music plays as Danny explains that he’s been getting hella pussy lately and he doesn’t need some ugly little girl hanging around to salt his game.  He then realizes that he should have explained to her ahead of time that pussy is magic so she’d understand why he wouldn’t be around.  He makes a special plan to tuck her in the next night and at no point remarks on how incredibly dangerous it was for her to stow away in his car and then wander around a public place unsupervised.

Back at the full house, Danny sends Michelle to bed, but not before she delivers a one-liner while making a face that will haunt me in a thousand terrifying nightmares.

Vicky tells Danny that her vagina got all moist when she saw what a corny dad he is and then Danny admits to her that he’s not really a “super-stud bachelor.”  He scores a smooch off of her as she heads out the door, destroying any intrigue her character might have brought to the show.  Seriously, what do we even know about this woman?  Not anything.  There’s isn’t a single element to her character other than Danny wanting to fuck her, and they couldn’t even draw that out for more than 1 episode.  At least Rebecca Donaldson was from Nebraska and made Jesse work for it for a few episodes.

Firsts:  the twins’ bedroom in the attic

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47 Responses to Season 5, Episode 12, “Bachelor of the Month”

  1. SZA says:

    Shouldn’t Danny be calling Teddy’s parents to let them know where he is, like .. immediately??

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nancy says:

    Presumably, someone was supposed to have been babysitting Michelle back at the house. Was there ever a scene in which the rest of the family realizes she’s missing while she is crashing Danny’s date and panics? Instead the rest of the family cooks a meal for Jesse and Becky. It has been a million years since I have seen Full House and I assume the eps I catch now have scenes cut.
    PS. BEST.BLOG.EVER.!!!!!

    Like

  3. RachWho? says:

    Can you please tell me what the fuck Danny and that hot blonde were supposedly doing as part of their date in that third pussy-fest montage screengrab? It looks like they are acting in a play with a very minimalistic set.

    Like

    • Lisa says:

      They are dancing, and then he swings her around and a new lady is in the scene dancing with him. I don’t think they expected that scene to be believable.

      Like

      • RachWho? says:

        Thanks for the clarification. Looks like a pretty hot club, as well as a very popular spot. I can see why he’d take two different dates there.

        Like

  4. Michelle V says:

    Ugh. Those babies that play the twins are the ugliest fucking babies ever. They look like potatoes with awful, melting faces and I want to just punch them all the time.

    I have no idea why I always watched this show when I hate kids so hard.

    Like

    • Veronica G says:

      …You mean the Olsen twins?

      Like

    • BlondieRock13 says:

      No, that title goes to the troll baby Olsen twins. These babies just always look terrified because at any moment their family will probably kill them. I’m sure the Olsen twins probably told them on a weekly basis that they hated them for being the new babies on the block.

      Like

  5. SZA says:

    RE: Romantic dinner screenshot – I get so sick of seeing Joey using the show as a means to flash his love for the D with the various Tigers & Red Wings gear, etc. news flash: You do not represent Detroit, not then, not now. I don’t care that you are a native. Your role on this show has stripped you of the right to rep.

    Back in 2003, my then-boyfriend, his roommates and I ran into Dave Coulier at a Detroit bar and ended up talking to him. My boyfriend’s roommate asks about the Olsen twins and Mr. Coulier remarks on how, when he sees them on TV now he can’t believe how big they are. The roommate replies that yes, he can’t ‘t believe how big HE gets when he sees the Olsen twins on TV now … wink, wink. Dave Coulier’s response?

    “Cmon now guys, that’s just really inappropriate.”

    Oh, SNAP!

    Like

    • Brad says:

      This from the guy who allegedly got serviced in a theatre by Alanis Morrisette. He probably also did his woodchuck voice at the time too.

      Like

    • taffy says:

      I tried to take a pic of Dave Coulier once and he tackled me to the ground, bit the strap of the camera off my neck, and ran off on four legs into traffic where he was almost hit by a car. Needless to say, I learned my lesson to never mess with Coulier.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Cut It Out says:

        Pretty sure Dave was in his 30s when he was dating 16-year-old Alanis. Come on Dave, THAT’S really inappropriate.

        Like

      • Martin Tanner's Ghost says:

        Out of curiosity, I did a little digging. Alanis was 18 and Dave was 33 when they started dating.

        Like

    • Corey says:

      I hate Dave Coulier as much as anyone, but… come on.

      Maybe it’s just that I’m the simple kind of person who gets all giddy when her hometown or teams are mentioned on TV, but I was a fan of Dave showing the love for Detroit. What’s bad about having a strong fanbase? Tim Allen did the same on Home Improvement. I know that show was set in Detroit so it made more sense story-wise, but still, it’s cool to promote the city.

      I’ll also give Dave a pass for the Olsen twins comment. I mean, ew… what did your friend expect? He saw those girls grow up. What your friend said was the equivalent of someone saying to you, “So, you ever think about fucking your brother?”

      Like

      • The Venerable Bede says:

        Agreed, although I would go so far as to say that Dave Coulier, John Stamos, and Bob Saget were probably father figures to the Olsen twins during the horrendously long run of the show, so it’s almost like saying to a girl’s father, “Hey, your daughter gives me a hard-on!” What kind of response did those guys expect?

        Like

      • The Duke says:

        Jodie Sweetin’s autobiography talks about a party later in life where she ends up sleeping in the same bed as one Olson twin, and John Stamos. I think Coulier actually comes out looking like the lesser creep here. Hate to say it, but…

        Like

    • Baron Aailey says:

      Wait, he didn’t gesture “Cut it out?” WTF Joey?! Even post-Full House you’re still useless and unfunny.

      Like

  6. Wilkins says:

    This episode should’ve been called “Two Crappy Dinners”.

    http://www.fullhousereviewed.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Screen-shot-2012-05-02-at-3.58.41-AM.png – That picture of Bob Saget needs to be a poster. LOL

    “Stephanie enters the room to bring Michelle a glass of water and Michelle displays a total lack of gratitude by interrogating her about whether or not it’s from the kitchen.” No, actually, this is a solid line of questioning. Kitchen water sucks.

    http://www.fullhousereviewed.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/Screen-shot-2012-05-04-at-3.59.06-AM.png – AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *head explodes*

    Like

    • Paddles says:

      you stupid cunt–kitchen water is the goods. Michelle was concerned that it was bathroom water. Pull your head out of your ass.

      Like

    • trlkly says:

      The thing is, if she can tell the difference, then she shouldn’t have needed to ask. If she can’t tell the difference, then it doesn’t matter.

      That said, I always thought the joke was about how she was picking up on some of Danny’s neurosis, thinking that bathroom water would be all germy. (In fact, there are more germs in the kitchen than in the bathroom.)

      Like

  7. Bridget Hainline says:

    In regards to Danny Tanner being Bachelor of the Month, I quote Stephanie from the two grandmas and Joey’s mom episode, “Grandma Irene, did hell freeze over?”. Billy, what did that sex-crazed midget say about her father and why did it give her a horny look on her face? I also love how snooty those waiters are and how they would not give Danny free pate. I like how Teddy said spatula instead of bachelor and how it escaped him that this restaurant did not have a kid’s menu or a play area.

    Like

    • RachWho? says:

      If my memory serves me, Michelle is getting lusty talking about chocolate cake. Because kids and cake–that’s the comedy gift that keeps on giving.

      Sad that I can remember this but have forgotten almost everything about American history and geography that I was taught around the same time I watched this episode.

      Like

  8. smt says:

    Having a rough day and this put smiles all over my face. Thank you for sacrificing yourself for my happiness!

    Like

  9. Joey's Mannequin says:

    “…Danny explains that he’s been getting hella pussy lately and he doesn’t need some ugly little girl hanging around to salt his game. He then realizes that he should have explained to her ahead of time that pussy is magic so she’d understand why he wouldn’t be around.”

    That’s probably one of the best things you’ve ever written. You were in the zone with this one!

    Like

  10. PuppetDoctor says:

    “Back at the full house, Danny sends Michelle to bed, but not before she delivers a one-liner while making a face that will haunt me in a thousand terrifying nightmares.”

    Wow, was that second last image of Michelle really creepy.

    Like

  11. I had to get up really early for a flight yesterday. Checked here for the new post at the airport at 6:30 am central time and was bummed that the new post wasn’t up yet. But, I did get to read it over breakfast this morning. Way better than a morning paper!

    “This is about as clever a reveal as you’re ever going to see on this show, as it becomes apparent that Danny and Michelle are simulating the tucking-in process hours ahead of time since Danny’ll be balls deep in Vicky’s roofied vagina by the time Michelle’s actual bedtime rolls around.”

    Vicky’s roofied vagina, love it!

    Like

  12. Lisa says:

    What reason did Joey, DJ, and Stephanie have for flipping the table around for Jesse and Becky’s dinner?

    Like

    • Sully says:

      Because with the table the other way, they wouldn’t have been able to hold hands and have face time with the camera all at once… duh!

      Like

  13. TayciBear says:

    So I realized after reading all of the archives that I don’t remember a single episode. I know I watched in syndication growing up, but I can’t recall anything, but the house, their faces, and the credits.

    Like

  14. Teebore says:

    There’s an Elvis mobile and a bunch of close ups of the babies not doing anything that make the audience all go “aww” for some reason, and that’s about it.

    Seriously, those are just ugly, ugly babies. I even remember thinking so when I watched this show unironically as a stupid kid.

    Danny pulls up to a fancy restaurant and then Michelle and Teddy sneak out of the back of his car.

    Forget everything else, how in the hell did he miss them being in the back of his car?

    At least Rebecca Donaldson was from Nebraska and made Jesse work for it for a few episodes.

    And a magnificent ass.

    Like

  15. e_x_i_t says:

    Thus ends yet another episode where Michelle does something completely irrational and gets exactly what she wants in the end. If I remember correctly, there should be an episode coming up within the next season where she breaks her arm or some shit because she did something completely ridiculous. So yes, the time will come that Michelle get whats coming to her for doing whatever the fuck she wants.

    Like

  16. Stacy says:

    To preface this, I am NOT a baby person. I do not get all gooey when I see babies. For the most part I’m pretty indifferent/uninterested in them. Still I can acknowledge that some babies are quite cute. Those two twins, I feel so mean for saying this, but holy shit they are hideous. They look like very ugly, old, bald men.

    And that picture of Michelle – yikes! She LOOKS as evil as she was in that screencap.

    Also, seriously – what waiter is going to seat some unattended 5 year olds and give them FREE desserts.

    Like

  17. Damn, this is a funny line:

    “After the Danny-getting-hella-pussy montage, set to none other than ZZ Top (the pussy-gettin’-est of all musics), they cut to Danny bragging about said pussy on Wake Up, San Francisco.”

    Those twins sure are some ugly babies, for sure! The Olson twins said, “Damn, they’re some ugly babies!”

    Like

  18. JohnMo says:

    “I missed a lot of what she said because she was jogging in place the whole time and therefore her titties was bouncing, but I’m pretty sure that she offered to fuck Danny.”

    One of so many classic lines in this recap, another job well done!!

    Like

  19. ILOVETHISAMPHIBIAN!!!!! says:

    So, the fancy dance club Danny takes his ladyfriends to…

    Is it in Twin Peaks or something? The strange red curtain, the mysterious blonde, that potted plant just kind of sitting there for no reason because why the fuck not David Lynch will do what he wants why NOT put a plant there — looks really Twin Peaks. NEW THEORY: Full House takes place in the same whack-ass universe as Twin Peaks. This is why everyone is fucking awful and never acts like a normal human being. (Makes more sense than that being a dance club)

    If we’re lucky, the series finale will end with the Tanner family trapped forever in the Black Lodge, running from room to horrible room as they try to escape even MORE nightmarish versions of themselves (if that’s possible).

    Like

  20. Kenny says:

    Vicky tells Danny that her vagina got all moist when she saw what a corny dad he is.

    LMFAO!

    OMFG that Michelle Image worse then fucking Chucky!

    Like

  21. Ashley says:

    And of course Michelle doesn’t get punished for sneaking into the car like that. If I were Teddy’s parents, I would never let him go over to that place again. Clearly it’s run by irresponsible people who can’t watch the kids properly. Although I wonder if Danny even bothered to tell his parents what happened.

    Like

    • LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

      And that’s exactly how it should be…

      …What do Princess Michelle and the Jews have in common?

      Protection status…

      And did Teddy grow up in a black baptist family where the preacher father whooped their kids like slaves on a cotton field? If so, then that boy will probably do that shit again before he ends up another statistic.

      But coming from this kids’ family, Teddy’s father looks more like a 1980’s r&b singer. Like a Luther Vandross or Lionel Richie type. Except the father needs to get a fade. Notice how nice they were to the little princess as she entered their homes and their hearts.

      I’m sorry Billy. I think that I’m jumping ahead to a few episodes. I won’t ever do that shit again nigga.

      Like

  22. Veronica G says:

    You know, I don’t hate this show. I actually really loved the earlier seasons. But once this little bitch Michelle started back talking, and no one put a stop to it, it became cringe worthy. Even worse, they wait on her hand and foot. I’d like it a lot better if she just wasn’t on the show. I don’t mind Stephanie and DJ. They usually keep shit real. Another thing that bugs me, is she’s now 5 years old and is still sounding like a baby when she talks. Idk if it’s just trying to be cute or if she’s mildly retarded. Who knows, maybe that’s why everyone is so nice to her. But really, remember in the first season, Stephanie was 5 and she didn’t talk like a baby. I think that’s probably why I liked her better. At this point I’m pretty sure I’m only watching for the key points that everyone remembers (like when DJ meets steve, etc.) oh, and of course John Stamos… *cough*

    Like

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