Season 5, Episode 23, “Five’s a Crowd”

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle sprays Jesse with a squirt bottle while they’re watering plants so he challenges her to a squirt bottle duel.  While Jesse is doing his paces for the duel Michelle cheats by squirting him in the back.

Danny prepares his acceptance speech for some unnamed awards show for which Wake Up, San Francisco has a nomination.  Becky tells him not to bother with preparing a speech because they always lose to Up and At ‘Em, Oakland.  That’s right, bitches, OAKLAND REPRESENT!  Even though that’s not a real show, I still gots to represent Oakland.  Muthafuckas step to Oakland get stabbed, son.  That’s all I gots to say.

What the fuck was I talking about?  Oh, yeah, so apparently Joey is also nominated for an award at the show because if rambling ass Danny can get nominated for one then so can any worthless asshole who sucks at hosting a show.

DJ comes home with Kimmie Gibbler and Danny immediately starts giving her a bunch of shit about being home late.  DJ quickly deflects his lectures by telling him that the hottest band in school are about to come over to record in Jesse’s basement studio so he’d better not pull some lame dad shit and embarrass her.

Danny is then introduced to The Funky Tongues, aka the hottest band in school.  Before heading downstairs to record, the leader of The Funky Tongues, Pete, tells DJ that she’s, “looking real good today,” which upsets Danny.

After an amazing display of talent from The Funky Tongues, Jesse provides them with their very first demo tape.  Jesse tries to prepare them for the long, hard road he’s traveling himself by telling them that having a demo tape will not necessarily get you a recording contract but then Pete tells him that they’re just in it for the pussy anyway.  Moments later, Pete asks DJ out on a date, which she nervously accepts.

Just before leaving for the awards ceremony, Becky finds out that Aunt Ida wont be able to watch the boring ass babies that evening.  Stephanie volunteers to babysit them but is told that she’s too young, and Becky and Jesse eventually end up hiring Kimmie Gibbler.

DJ tries to discreetly step out for her date but Danny intervenes and subjects Pete to a barrage of invasive questions.  Danny eventually lets them go but then regrets it immediately after both Jesse and Kimmie Gibbler confirm that Pete is a big ol’ pussy hound.  Boy howdy does that guy love pussy!  Kimmie Gibbler also reveals that Pete took DJ to the drive-in movie theater, which everyone knows is a hot-bed of finger banging.

As the dads all stand around in their suits, wondering what to do, I can’t help but feel for some reason that they should be tossing a football to each other.  Anyway, they all decide to forgo the awards ceremony so they can ruin DJ’s one chance to get busy.  Oh yeah, there’s also a bit where Joey’s suit came with 2 left shoes for some reason so he keeps walking in circles.

Kimmie Gibbler is too lazy and negligent to feed the babies so she hires Stephanie to do it for her.

After accidentally breaking up an elderly couples make-out party in a van, the dads continue to work their way through the drive-in parking lot in search of DJ.  Meanwhile, in Pete’s van, he is eventually able to coax her into going into the back with him.  I was pretty surprised by DJ’s obliging attitude but then after they make out for about 5 seconds she whips out the ol’ frigidity that I was expecting.  Pete is surprisingly cool about DJ totally blue balling him and leaves to go get snacks and probably jerk off in the bathroom.

After Pete leaves, DJ pulls back the curtains between the back and the front seat and finds the dads all sitting up front.  She is totally horrified by their presence and begs them to leave before Pete gets back because they’re humiliating on so many levels.  Pete comes back about 2 seconds later and, upon seeing the dads, realizes that there’s no way he’s even gonna get a hand-job on this date so he tells DJ to go home with her lame ass dads.

Meanwhile, back at the full house, Kimmie Gibbler agrees to pay Stephanie for changing the babies’ diapers.  Michelle is left alone with the dog in the kitchen and she eats one of the dogs treats.

Becky comes home and pays Kimmie Gibbler for babysitting but then she has to give up all the money she made to Stephanie.

DJ totally flips out and yells at the dads, which is kind of awesome.  They all feel guilty and apologize but then they all remember all the information DJ withheld about where she was going and whether or not there would be finger banging there.  The music comes on as the importance of providing vital information about dates is discussed.

Becky enters the room and tells Joey that he won the whatever-awards-show-it-was award for best children’s program.  What an unbelievable conclusion.  The only award Joey could ever plausibly win is cracker most needing to get stabbed.  I better never see his bitch ass in Oakland.

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59 Responses to Season 5, Episode 23, “Five’s a Crowd”

  1. Hebrewersfan says:

    The old sitcom staple of an awards show plot never seems to fail. Full House, Home Improvement, Frasier, pretty sure Fresh Prince had an episode where Uncle Phil got some award and turned out to be a farmer as a kid.


  2. Zozo says:

    The 8th screenshot where Stephanie grabs the money is especially ironic since Jodie Sweetin (Stephanie) is in the news today because she’s suing someone for an accident that happened a year ago.


    • Barbie Dollandbear says:

      And what’s even more ironic, the guy she’s suing is named Stavros! (Jesse’s sleazy, super-Greek cousin) …Can’t wait for the review of that episode, btw!


      • Angela says:

        Oooooooh, yeah, that review should be FUN! I look forward to that one, too.

        Incidentally, that one is, I believe, right after the one where the family loses a beloved relative-I’m quite interested to read the review of that episode, too, when it comes up.


  3. Ryan says:

    Did you make a reference to The Room? Just when I thought I couldn’t love these reviews anymore.


    • RachWho? says:

      I was JUST about to post this exact thing.

      And this gets me thinking, how awesome would a remake of The Room be with the cast of Full House?


    • Uncle Jersey says:

      I was also going to mention this!

      You are tearing me apart, Tanners!


    • Astrowaffle says:

      Tommy Wiseau must have gotten his start as a full house writer, makes perfect sense


      • Ollie Hondro says:

        And of course now this episode’s title, “Five’s a Crowd,” is making me think of “Two is fun, but three’s a crowd, Denny!”


    • Chris says:

      This is why I came to the comments. I just discovered the site last night and read a bunch of the reviews. This episode was just on so I came back to see what you wrote. I was enjoying your reviews to begin with but when you said they should be tossing a football I laughed out loud and I can’t wait to tell my girlfriend later. (She LOVES The Room)


  4. navarro says:

    You live in Oakland? Do you realize you live about 20 minutes away from where the tanners grew up?


  5. How the fuck did all those bumbling dads get into the front seat of the van without being heard?

    Haha, I used to eat milk bones occasionally when I was about Michelle’s age. Probably explains a lot.

    Hey, if you see Joey in Oakland, use that award to stab out his eyes, and then may be lodge it up his ass as far as it will go.


  6. Dr. Bitz says:

    You know, when I remember the show I always thought Vicky was much more prominent once she showed up. But it’s been, what, 3 or 4 shows since she last appeared? Have they even mentioned her?

    And are we to assume Up and Atom Oakland won the award again? Do you think they’re happy or upset to be nominated in the same category Wake Up, San Franscisco was.


  7. Comet says:

    Gee, I hope somebody drops a hamburger.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Tess says:

    “That’s right, bitches, OAKLAND REPRESENT! Even though that’s not a real show, I still gots to represent Oakland. Muthafuckas step to Oakland get stabbed, son. That’s all I gots to say.”
    ROFL, I just read this out loud to my roommate and we laughed heartily. Your voice as a writer is so hilarious!
    Also, hella hella represent Oakland!


  9. Ashley says:

    Just when I think this site can’t get any better, you go and reference “The Room”.


  10. Katie Kaw says:

    Yeah Oakland! Another great entree. How about trying to do a full house marathon to try to get the seasons done? We would all love it, no pressure!


  11. Lisa says:

    What kind of moron sees 2 left shoes and puts them on?? And even giving him the benefit of the doubt – let’s say he didn’t notice they were 2 lefties – once they’re on his feet, he’s got to notice. So, what’s his next move? He gets up and walks around! The normal reaction is to say “Hmm, these are 2 left shoes. I better take them off and go find a right one.”
    Also, if I’m not mistaken, wasn’t there a bit about Joey and Danny’s pants getting mixed up (or was that in another episode?)? In any case, this is the same scenario. You see your clothes/shoes don’t fit, TAKE THEM OFF. Don’t go parading around the Full House like some dipshit dumbass.


    • Sarah Portland says:

      Wardrobe malfunctions are all the writers have left at this point😛


    • RachWho? says:

      Joey and Danny’s pants got mixed up for Jesse’s wedding. I think maybe they should find a more reputable business from which to rent tuxes. Or, since San Francisco is always busy nominating them for awards, auctioning them off as sexy bachelors, awarding them single hottie of the month, and inviting them to gala affairs, maybe they could shell out a few bucks and buy a tux. Which, in Joey’s case, would mean asking Danny to buy one for him.


      • Ollie Hondro says:

        That episode is responsible for one of my favorite lines ever spoken on this show: “We’re exchanging pants… in a GOOD way!”


  12. Bridget says:

    I think Stephanie should have baby sat without Kimmy because she seemed a lot more capable of caring for babies than Kimmy. I did like Kimmy’s line, “Adorable if you don’t have a sense of smell! I’m surprised your wallpaper isn’t peeling!”. As for Joey, no excuse for the shoes, but with some outfits you sometimes have trouble telling the front from the back especially if it’s a fancy dress.


    • RachWho? says:

      No joke, my aunt wore her dress backwards at her wedding. Now, before you go accusing my aunt of having an IQ comparable to those in the full house, she did not by any means wear a traditional wedding dress. It was a flowery black dress. She wondered whether it was bad luck but so far, so good.

      Nonetheless, Joey is a complete fucking moron.


  13. SpideyTerry says:

    I thought it was odd that Kimmie was hired to babysit, given how little Jesse regards her.

    Gotta give Stephanie credit. This is one of the times where she actually deserved to be rewarded.

    Two left shoes? It’s stupid for many reasons, but especially since Joey doesn’t even go to the awards ceremony. What, the drive-in has a dress code? Get some sneakers. Eesh, Joey has to be a masochist.

    Michelle eating a dog treat? Eh. Surprisingly, it’s far more dignified than when she gorges herself on cake.


  14. Teebore says:

    While Jesse is doing his paces for the duel Michelle cheats by squirting him in the back.

    Sounds about right.

    Danny immediately starts giving her a bunch of shit about being home late.

    How late can she possibly be if the band is coming over to record in Jermsey’s studio?

    Pete tells him that they’re just in it for the pussy anyway.

    Proving that Pete is more self aware than Jermsey.

    Oh yeah, there’s also a bit where Joey’s suit came with 2 left shoes for some reason so he keeps walking in circles.

    I can’t decide if that’s stupid, because what moron puts on two left shoes in the first place, let alone proceeds to walk in a circle like the shoes dictate the direction, or if it’s brilliant, for suggesting Joey is exactly that moronic. I’m going with brilliant.

    Michelle is left alone with the dog in the kitchen and she eats one of the dogs treats.

    I’m surprised you were able to let that go without comment.

    Becky enters the room and tells Joey that he won the whatever-awards-show-it-was award

    Man, if I was Joey, I’d be pissed I missed that just so I could help teach the daughter of the guy I mooch off of to be more honest about her fingerbanging intentions.


  15. Bri says:

    Dude, this post was totally lackluster! I was waiting for the “Joey keeps walking left cause he has two left shoes” episode cause I thought you’d have a hay day with it! Just one sentence… disappoint.😦 Also, the Kimmy Gibbler/Stephanie thing didn’t get any attention… I feel like you must’ve had an off day? I still❤ you, though. I get so excited when a new FHR shows up in my Google Reader😀


    • Moe Greene says:

      You know, Bri, if you have a problem with Billy’s “effort”, feel free to start your own blog and write reviews for a different shitty show that managed to stay on the air for eight years.

      It’s comments like this that makes the author question whether they should continue. I appreciate that you like the blog. Was your comment really necessary?


      • Billy Superstar says:

        thanks, moe. i had trouble coming up with a proper response to bri’s comment and i appreciate you doing it for me. one thing i will say is that ive reviewed over 100 episodes of this show by now and have gotten used to picking and choosing the things i point out. joey’s 2 left shoes didnt leave much of an impression on me so i didn’t see any reason to talk about it more than i did. i almost didn’t mention it at all. one thing that’s come out of this blog having a larger and more active fan community is that parts of the episodes that i don’t focus on as much are highlighted in the comments and fans have their own opportunity to write about them, which has been pretty hilarious from time to time. if you’re a fan that has something to say about a moment from an episode, how about leaving your own hilarious comment rather than breaking my balls? ive gotten some hate mail from full house fans before but this is the first time i’ve been heckled by a fhr fan and it really does make me feel like quitting.


      • no.way.jose says:

        Can I just say with all respect and gratitude for this amazing blog that brings so much joy to so many readers… you can totally skip responding to shitty comments if you want. Anyone reading the original comment knows that it’s kinda dumb, but it seems to have earned a pretty serious response!


      • Billy Superstar says:

        aw, thanks. yeah, i should probably get better about abstaining from any sort of response to shitty comments but sometimes they really irk me.


  16. Bridget says:

    Billy, don’t quit! I look forward to Fridays when I read your blog and I really like your snark and I love how you put those 3 moronic men in their place!


  17. motoxchick says:

    I totally agree, please don’t give up on us now! How else will I get through my Friday?! I devour every single review, and I enjoy reading everyone else’s comments. It brings me back to a time that I wish I could forget, or at least mentally block from my memory.


    • Moe Greene says:

      If this show has taught you anything, it’s that hopping on a horse and subsequently falling off said horse could cure most of your problems regarding the past.


  18. Non-Jerk Michelle says:

    I thought this was an awesome review Billy, I was cracking up! Never give up, Up and Atom🙂


  19. marino says:

    How could the members of a band called The Funky Tongues possibly be in it for anything BUT pussy?


  20. Stacy says:

    LOL @ “Boy howdy does that guy love pussy”

    I don’t recall seeing this episode ever on TV – so I don’t know what Pete really looks like up close – but from all these screencaps he looks quite Jesse-like.

    Is there some Greek (ha! get it – Jesse’s Greek) tragedy version of a niece wanting to get down with her (blood) uncle? I feel this is all very Freudian and that DJ secretly has the hots for Jersey.


  21. Dawn says:

    Wow the writers ACTUALLY referred to a past episode! Wen Kimmy Gibbler is asked to babysit the twin spuds & Jessie protests she states matter of fact that she babysat almost every kid on the block (ref to ep where dj wants hee own phone) & that she’s watched Michelle & Stephanie (ep where dj has to bail out her cross dressing dad & joey) U think this was done on purpose-like the writers actually took there head out of there assess for 2 seconds or like wen anything else remarkable happens on this show- Pure dumb luck! Keep it goin Billy I figure at the rate Nick is playing the reruns I should catch up in about a month Til then ull keep every morning sweet-like the sugar in my coffee! LOL I’m such a nerd : )


  22. Megan says:

    that guy Pete was hot! whoo Dj was so lucky to go on a date with him. i like when Kimmy says she wishes she was Dj refering to Dj being on a date with Pete that hot guy whoo! a lesson to learn drive in movies are not for one to watch the movie there for major makeouts!


  23. catwalkspy says:

    *DJ quickly deflects his lectures by telling him that the hottest band in school are about to come over to record in Jesse’s basement studio so he’d better not pull some lame dad shit and embarrass her*

    Isn’t her outfit embarrassing enough? Come on, Deej, enough with the granny ‘fits.


  24. PerEkman says:

    Doesn’t the drive-in-movie-set look very much alike the Tanner residents own backyard?


  25. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    Only someone such as Josef would see two left shoes and think…”Hmmmmm, these feel comfortable enough for complainin’ to folks.”

    And of course Gloria wouldn’t tell her child molester dads that she’s going to get some real play. They want it all for themselves. She didn’t know that. She should have invited them.


  26. Guillermo Aguilluz says:

    Why can’t there be an episode where DJ really considers fucking a guy. Why does she have to fucking throw her chastity in every dudes face? The worst part is that its obvious that the writers of the show believe that every teenage girl should take in Dj’s example and act like a totally boring prude. Would’t DJ losing her virginity have made for a great episode? They did it on Fresh Price, which was a great episode where Urkel almost banged Ashley. A man can only dream.


  27. Blah says:

    “The Funky Tounges” is clearly a euphemism.


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