Season 8, Episode 1, “Comet’s Excellent Adventure”

Pre-Credits Gag:  The family all search frantically for the remote until the dog comes in holding it in his mouth, almost as if to say, “anyone remember that this family has a dog?”  They turn on the tv and it turns out that, in a bizarre meta-moment, they’re sitting down to watch Full House.  I guess it’s not at all surprising that these self-obsessed assholes would sit around and watch their own shitty show together.  The pre-credits gag ends there but I’d be willing to bet that they all start beating off to themselves about 2 seconds later.  It’s also weird that you get a view of the 4th wall here, especially given the meta-circumstances.

The opening credits are almost entirely new, as all of the little character vignettes have been updated.  Most are pretty unremarkable, although Candace Cameron’s lookin’ pretty fly in hers.

Jodie Sweetin walks on the beach and faces the camera as if to say, “I’m even less significant than the dog at this point.”

One thing that’s a real burn is that the sweet, sweet shot of Lori Loughlin bending over and showing us her ass that got me through the last few Seasons has been switched out.  We still get a little bit of side-ass but it’s nowhere near as good.

The Olsen twins get top billing for their portrayal of a young dictator who will one day destroy the planet.  Their little vignette is of whichever one of them that is posing for one of those low-rent sketch artists, whose portrait doesn’t create an incredible likeness but does successfully capture the great evil that lurks within her tiny frame.

The last few shots are the same ones that they’ve been using for pretty much the entire series, which seems weird because all the kids are really young in them and a bunch of the current characters aren’t present because they weren’t on the show yet.  The twins hadn’t even been born when they filmed this group shot.  Oh well.  If nobody who worked on the show cared then I guess I shouldn’t either.

Jesse gets together with his shitty band to rehearse but they’re interrupted by the twins clanging away at their toy instruments.  That one member of the band who I’m pretty sure is the only consistent constituent (you know, the one with the curly hair) says what I think is his first ever line of dialogue when he tells Jesse that his stupid ugly kids are fucking up their rehearsal.  Jesse addresses him as Gary, so I guess we’re finally learning his name after 8 years.  Wow, he received a name and a line of dialogue all in the same scene, and it only took 8 years of regular appearances to make it happen?  Someone get this man a SAG membership!

Jesse finally shoos his stupid kids away but before practice can commence Becky runs in and asks him some questions about swizzle sticks for the Smash Club.  Why is she even dealing with that?  I guess because she has to make sure that anything ever gets done in that club because, aside from having a career in television, her other full-time job is constantly babysitting her worthless husband (not to mention her third full-time job, raising his kids).  Anyway, Jesse wastes more of his band-members time before one of them finally tells him to quit bullshitting around.  I noticed that this band member was played by Roger Lodge, who was the host of Blind Date, one of the most entertaining shows in the history of television.  Fuck, I miss that show.  Also, remember Elimidate?  That show was as compellingly awful as Full House.  Anyway, I remember Roger Lodge also having some other bit part on Full House like 100 episodes ago… I don’t remember what it was but I’m fairly positive that he wasn’t in Jesse’s shitty band.

As soon as the band starts jammin’ out, Joey runs in and tells Jesse that some shit’s going down at the radio station and they need to go fill in for some other DJ’s.  Jesse asks why they, the Rush-Hour Renegades, have to fill in for the Lunchtime Lunatics.  Joey clarifies that they got into a falling out with the Morning Maniacs over who would fill in for the Weekend Wackos and it reminded me of all the terrible alliteration jokes throughout this entire series that I never bothered to criticize.  Seriously, that’s like the only form of wordplay this show ever attempts, and they do it all the fucking time.  It’s aggravatingly asinine.

Jesse cancels band practice to go down to the radio station but then Roger Lodge approaches him to let him know that the rest of the members of his shitty band have taken a vote and decided to kick him out because they’re tired of his pushy obnoxious family ruining everything all the god damned time.  As Gary hangs up his keytar for the final time, Jesse pleads with them to stay, addressing them all by name, including one guy that he calls Lonnie who corrects him by telling him that his name is Lannie.  I’m not sure if Jesse’s supposed to get this guys name wrong because he’s just the latest in the endless revolving door of band members throughout the series or because he’s such a narcissistic asshole that he could play in a band with a guy for 8 years without every bothering to learn his name.

Sad music plays and the audience goes “aww” as Jesse is justly abandoned by his talentless bandmates.  He takes a seat to feel sorry for himself and then one of the twins asks him, “tattufasswannapaynemoah?”

So I guess DJ has some rich new boyfriend named Nelson?  Despite his enormous, terrifying nostrils, Kimmie Gibbler, Stephanie and Michelle seem to think he’s the shit because he takes them to do all this cool stuff and pays for everything.  After Nelson leaves, DJ says that she’s gonna break up with him because her love don’t cost a thing but nobody else can understand why she wouldn’t just continue to exploit him for his vast resources because they’re all terrible people.

Jesse stews in the aftermath of being justly kicked out of his maladroit band as Becky patiently listens and reassures him because codependency is like second nature to her at this point.  Jesse decides that he’s going to continue making shitty music on his own, a misguided notion that Becky fully enables.

Danny chases after Comet, who’s carrying a string of sausages in his mouth that Danny was going to cook for dinner. Why would he even want those sausages anymore after they were in the dogs mouth?  Danny realizes that the dog is pilfering food because Jesse neglected to feed him when it was his turn to do so but Jesse just tells Danny to fuck off because he’s too busy being mad about getting kicked out of his band to spend 5 seconds of his day fulfilling his facile responsibilities even though he doesn’t even pay rent.  I’m actually a little surprised that Becky didn’t preemptively do his dog feeding job for him.  Danny tells him that it’s going to be his turn to walk the dog tomorrow but before Jesse can dodge this minimal obligation with more self-pity, Michelle offers to do it for him.  Danny tells her that she’s too small to walk the dog by herself and also that Jesse has to do it because that motherfucker has been living in his house for 8 years and all he’s ever expected to contribute is occasional menial tasks that service the plot of the episode.

Jesse pleads on the phone with a booking agent to let him play a gig somewhere even though he owns his own club that he can perform at whenever he wants and then Michelle comes in and tells him that Comet’s about to shit all over the floor if he doesn’t take him for his walk.  All Jesse cares about is getting Michelle to back up off his nuts so he can talk on the phone so he tells her to go walk the dog herself.  Why doesn’t she just let the dog shit in the backyard?

Michelle takes Comet out for the series’ only on-location shots of San Francisco.  Comet is abruptly compelled to chase after a Volkswagen Bug that has a hot dog on top of it for some reason (I can’t tell what this is supposed to be… it can’t be a delivery vehicle because it’s too small, so what is it?) and so he breaks free of Michelle grip and runs off.

Stephanie conveniently runs into Michelle on the street and assists her in looking for Comet.  Michelle tells her that Comet went chasing after a humongous wiener but Stephanie won’t believe her, presumably because Michelle completely neglects to provide any further context.

Comet continues to chase the wiener car until he spots a fine ass bitch and then they run off together to go fuck.

DJ breaks it off with Nelson (presumably because of his gigantic, unsightly nostrils) as they look out over the Golden Gate bridge together.  Kimmie Gibbler attempts to intervene but arrives too late and then Stephanie and Michelle magically appear and tell everyone about how the dog ran away so Nelson offers to let them use his limo to continue their search.  Well that’s convenient!

Jesse constructs an elaborate set-up in the basement so he can try to perform as a one-man band but then all of his equipment starts malfunctioning and bursting into flames and stuff.  Although I’m loathe to give Jesse credit in any situation, his failure here seems much more due to faulty wiring than his shortcomings as a musician.

Michelle calls the full house from the limo phone and tells the uncles about the dog running away.  The girls spot the wiener car so they exit the limo and start searching the area on foot.  As they all face the same direction and call for the dog, Comet and his new ladyfriend pass behind them on a cable car.  Seriously, if just one of the girls would think to look in a different direction than everyone else this bullshit would be over with already.

The uncles drive to Coit Tower because Joey supposedly takes the dog there all the time but also because they’re actually filming in San Francisco for once so they may as well go to some famous sites.  As Jesse argues with Joey about where they should go to look for the dog, the twins point to the top of the tower but Jesse just ignores them.  As Jesse drives towards the wharf, where Danny is filming his show, the camera pans up to reveal that Comet and his ladyfriend are chillin’ at the top of the tower.  Although it’s frustrating to see Jesse miss the dog because he’s ignoring his children, you can’t really blame him for not bothering to try to decipher their gibberish.

Becky and Jesse stand in front of the camera for a special live afternoon edition of Wake Up, San Francisco because it’s convenient for the plot.  Why would they have to do a special afternoon edition just to go to the wharf?  I’d understand doing a special live show if the president was shot or something, but you can go to the wharf any old time.  Actually, I guess only a real news show would do a special live show for a big news event, not some crappy morning show.  So I guess I can’t think of any reason for them to ever be doing a live show in the afternoon.

Anyway, regardless of when or where it’s filmed, Wake Up, San Francisco is always a disaster.  As soon as they start their very special coverage of street performers, Jesse and Joey interrupt the taping to tell Danny that the dog ran away.  Moments later, all of the girls show up because they had the same idea to ruin Danny’s live taping by telling him about the stupid dog running away and pretty soon the whole show becomes a lost dog PSA even though nobody watching at home could possibly give a shit.

Comet sees the family’s plea for him to come home on a tv in a store window so he cuts out on his ladyfriend and runs back to the full house.  That’s pretty callous that he’d just run off like that after banging her all day.

Back at the full house, Michelle sits in the backyard feeling sad as she waits for Comet to come home and then Jesse comes out to have a very special talk with her.  She blames him for telling her to walk the dog by herself, totally absolving herself of any responsibility whatsoever even though she’d already been told that she couldn’t take the dog out on her own.  The music comes on as Jesse accepts the blame for Michelle losing the dog and then he talks about how he’s lost his passion for music and it’s causing him to be even more irresponsible than he usually is, which is already pretty goddamn irresponsible.  They hug and the audience goes, “aww” and then Comet comes back and everyone gathers around to pet him because god forbid that everything doesn’t turn out perfectly for these fucks even once.

Shout-outs to FHR super-fans Emily Yotter, Stacy Klesen and especially Jennifer Atkins for making generous donations this week.  Although FHR is free to read, it’s always super cool when you guys drop some cash on me for my grueling efforts.

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170 Responses to Season 8, Episode 1, “Comet’s Excellent Adventure”

  1. Richard says:

    Wonder if they bothered to have Comet fixed. Probably not. And where the hell would Nelson park a limo in San Francisco? It’s hard enough to park a small car much less a freakin limo.

    Random question: What work better represented San Francisco; Full House, or the Room?

    Like

  2. fists of love says:

    Excellent review, as usual!!

    Also, I believe we last saw Roger Lodge as a member of Discipline Problem, jersey’s high school band, best known for their hits “my sharona” and “muskrat love.”

    Like

  3. Qwerty says:

    Jason motherfucking Marsden. This may just be my adolescent boy-crazy hormones, but personally, I found his voice a lot more attractive than him. Still ❤

    DJ gets progressively hotter with each season. You go girl! xD

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    • lovetolaugh says:

      I agree about DJ! She’s looking good. Which probably won’t do much to alleviate Stephanie’s crush on her.

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      • Bridget says:

        She did get very pretty but it was a shame that Stephanie who was a pretty kid did not age well. I qoute “The Simpsons” “Oh, Abe, you aged terribly!” and that was from Mona Simpson, Abe’s ex-wife.

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      • Lisa says:

        She had an awkward pre-teen phase, but as an adult, Jodie Sweetin is beautiful, questionable life choices notwithstanding.

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    • Oh Mylanta says:

      Jason Marsden! He’s… that guy! You know, with that voice! He’s EVERYWHERE! I remember having a little crush on Rich from Step by Step. No, he wasn’t conventionally good-looking, but he was a cutie pie…

      Like

      • Corey says:

        I’m glad that I’m not the only one who had a voice-crush on Jason Marsden! Probably had a lot to do with him voicing Max in A Goofy Movie.

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      • Michelle says:

        Same here, I’ve had a Nelson/Max/Rich crush for years….but my undying love for everything DJ does kept me from getting mad at her her for breaking it off with him

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    • Comet says:

      He was also in Boy Meets World as Eric’s wacky sidekick, Jason (clever name).

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      • Angela says:

        Yeah, he popped up in seemingly every hit ABC show in the ’90s for a while there.

        Didn’t have a crush on him, so to speak, but I did like him when he did show up.

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      • Christian says:

        I guess I must have been the only one one who could have done with a little less Jason on my TV back in the ’90s. I love him as a voice actor but as an on-screen actor? He was just so unappealing. And I don’t mean in a physical way, his looks didn’t bother me. I just never found him funny or thought of him as an extraordinary actor. Which is why I couldn’t understand why Disney was so hellbent on trying to make him a sitcom star by sticking him in every show under their domain (if you remember, they also added him to the cast of “The Torkelsons” after it got retooled and became “Almost Home”). I just never felt like he ever added anything substantial to any of the shows he was on.

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      • Angela says:

        I definitely remember him on “The Torklesons”, and the retooling of that show (god, I watched way too much TV as a kid…).

        I can see why you’d feel that way. When I catch an episode of some show he was on now, yeah, he was pretty much there to throw out a sarcastic remark and that was it…anyone could’ve filled in that “wiseass best friend” role, pretty much. It seems “Full House” was the only show that seemed to bother to actually try and create a character for him that wasn’t just “the sidekick” (which is odd, given this show’s issues with characterization).

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  4. Oh Mylanta says:

    Ya gotta hand it to Jermsey; that one-man band thing was pretty cool. I wonder how many takes they shot of that…

    This episode sticks out in my mind just because of how cartoonish it is. Like, more so than usual for this show. I’m surprised they didn’t have Comet and his lady friend share spaghetti or some other foodstuff a la Lady and the Tramp.

    Jesse asks why they, the Rush-Hour Renegades, have to fill in for the Lunchtime Lunatics. Joey clarifies that they got into a falling out with the Morning Maniacs over who would fill in for the Weekend Wackos and it reminded me of all the terrible alliteration jokes throughout this entire series that I never bothered to criticize. Seriously, that’s like the only form of wordplay this show ever attempts, and they do it all the fucking time. It’s aggravatingly asinine.

    Ha! Remember “Teen Talk”/”Yakkin’ with Youth”?

    Like

    • Steve Weinger says:

      I just remember being shocked as a kid that they actually ventured *outside* the house for once. Even second grade me could see how ridiculously cheap the show was.

      Like

      • Michelle's acting coach says:

        They would have used that spaghetti bit, but they already did that. With Joey. Of course.

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      • Vamking12 says:

        I refuse to believe they really went outside it was all a illusion.

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      • Michelle says:

        I remember they went outside another time when Kimmy got her drivers licence and she took the girls out and they did Chinese firedrill…and yes, I hate myself for remembering that HAHAHA

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  5. lovetolaugh says:

    Fantastic review! Welcome to Season 8. I hope you’re strapped in tight, as this episode is probably the best of the season (besides the one where Frankie Valley serenades DJ!).

    First of all, I cracked up at your description of Nelson’s permanently-flared nostrils. Haha! I do like his character, though… he’s a gentleman.

    Secondly, Comet’s lady friend is so beautiful! Is she a Collie?

    Finally, I actually do mosty fault Jesse for what happened with Comet. Michelle is, what, 7 years old at this point? She came to Jesse to remind him of his one little responsibility for the day, and he gave her the go-ahead to walk him even though she can’t possibly weigh more than half of what the dog does. Even though Jesse is a far more incompetent, negligent parent than Danny is, Michelle views him as an authority figure nonetheless, so it makes sense that she would take his instructions at face value.

    Damn, I just defended Michelle Tanner. It looks like Jesse’s extreme narcissism, lackadaisical approach to every high-paying career he’s had for the past eight years, and perennial role as a half-assed husband and father are finally getting to me. I would not be surprised if, by the last review, he is neck-and-neck with Joey for my least favorite character on this show.

    Have a wonderful weekend, everyone!

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    • Bridget says:

      LTL, we let my 8 year old niece Lauren walk our golden Buddy but when she does, someone has to walk with her and him. Jesse is a lousy uncle for letting his small niece walk a large dog and both of them could have been hit by a car or attacked by a larger, unfriendlier dog! I do think Comet’s girl is a pretty dog and maybe she is a collie! Everyone who lives in the house is responsible for the pets that lives there as well and those ASPCA commercials are graphic but they show neglect in all it’s horrific glory!

      Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Bridget, it’s wonderful that your niece gets to experience the joy and responsibility of walking your dog while in the presence of a mature adult to oversee, just in case. 🙂

        It’s awesome that you have a Golden! They are such fantastic, beautiful dogs. What other breeds do you like?

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      • Bridget says:

        Thank you! I am kind of partial to the Samoyed breed and at Pet Co or something, a woman had two puppies of that breed. We have goldens in our neighborhood as well and Buddy seems to like Starr, the golden girl.

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      • Vamking12 says:

        Oh no you fell for Michelle now she getting you to hate Jessie even more. I’ll tell Jessie is a agent of mag…. Oh no she get save your self

        Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      I kind of feel like it’s okay to defend a character of this shitty show, as long as it’s in comparison to another shitty character. For instance, Michelle and Jermsey. However, this would not work with say, Michelle and Kimmie. The suck must be equal for this rule to apply.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Sarah, you will miss Bratty when he dies even though he is a brat! Daisy did a lot of things during her wild puppyhood I didn’t like, but we still miss her! Kittens are very cute when they are babies and they are still cute as grown-ups. You could sing “Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty” from “The Big Bang Theory” to the kittens or to Bratty! Who knows? He might like that!

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Tell me about it 😦 Bratty’s sister died nearly a year ago, and I’m still heart-broken.
        Bratty and I have not been getting along very well of late because he has been a jealous old man, starting fights with the kittens. They like to sleep on my bed, and that pisses him off to no end. While I love Kirk, Spock and Uhura dearly, they’ll have their surgeries and go to their new homes within a few months, and Bratty will chill the hell out. I’d like for him to have some stability for once. First his sister died, then we moved shortly thereafter to a place with seven other cats, who tried to beat him up multiple times a day. We were there 5 months. Now we’re in this new place, and while there were only two cats, it is the same story: they want to beat the hell out of him constantly. Then we added three foster kittens. This has not been a fun year for my poor Bratty :/

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Poor Bratty! I think he needs separate attention away from Kirk, Spock, and Uhura. It has been proven that animals grieve for the loss of a sibling. Elephants have funerals for a fallen member of their family. Maybe Jackson Galaxy or Bratty’s vet could suggest something to help him? I still like “Soft Kitty” as a song!

        Like

    • Angela says:

      Seriously. Jesse is being extra pathetic in this episode. He had duties-SIMPLE, easy duties at that-and failed miserably at even trying to do them. Just…wow.

      All this dog talk makes me wish I had a dog again. Unfortunately the place we live isn’t really roomy enough for a dog at this time. But someday, I’d love to get another dog.

      We do have a cat, though. She’s a total sweetie.

      @Bridget: Ohhhhhhh, man…I am all for the ASPCA bringing attention to animal abuse and trying to see to it those animals get saved and get good homes, and it sounds like they seem to have success with their goal, which is great! But my god, I can barely stand to look at those commercials when they come on. Animal abusers…just…ugh. Lowlife scumbags.

      Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        What’s your cat’s name, Angela? 🙂

        Totally agreed, animal abuse is heartbreaking. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be adopting a dog from a shelter downtown within the next month or so. I’ve never had a dog or any other pet before, so I’m super excited 🙂

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Ah, heh, actually, we don’t really have one for her! We adopted her over two years ago when the people who’d had her last had moved and left her behind, and according to what we were told, she was called Smudge, but we’ve tried calling her that and she doesn’t respond to it. And she’s 9 years old, so we’re not sure if she’d easily respond to a new name at this point. So we pretty much just call her “Kitty” or “baby”, those names seem to be what she responds to most :p.

        She’s the first cat we’ve ever had, too. My family grew up with dogs and were totally used to them, so it took a bit to get used to having a cat. Luckily, though, our first attempt has turned out well.

        That’s cool that you’re likely going to give a dog a needed home soon! Especially since it’ll be your first pet ever! Hope all goes well with that :).

        Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Thank you!

        Hehe, your cat sounds like a gem. 🙂

        Like

      • Angela says:

        You’re welcome :). I love hearing stories about animals going to good homes.

        Hehe, yeah, she’s great. And so funny! She does some of the weirdest things, lays in some of the strangest places, and I just keep thinking, “In her little head, this makes total sense…”.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Did you name her after an actual smudge or after a small fire? I used to call my brother Jeff’s cat Koontz the CGI kitty because she did these amazing acrobatics on her scratching post!

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        I read somewhere that cats respond best to names that end in that “y” sound. My cat started out with a stupid name, Goofus. I hated that name, and so did he. I got a dirty look when I would call him that. I decided to change it, but couldn’t figure out what to call him instead. I told him often what a brat he was, and he seemed to respond to that best. He’s been Bratty for the better part of 10 years now.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Sarah, I remember your roommate not treating Bratty like the god he was! My parents never yell at Buddy and one time he was scratching a throw rug by the door. My older brother Burke scolded him by saying, “What are you doing?!”. Buddy got a stunned look on his face because we never yell at him and he is very spoiled!

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Haha, Bratty gets yelled at plenty these days, but it’s usually “Quit hissing at the kittens!” I love their furry little butts, but life will be simpler once they’re adopted out.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        @Bridget: Well, we didn’t come up with Smudge, the previous owners did, and I think I heard it was because of a little patch of fur on her face that looked kind of smudge-like? I dunno.

        @Sarah: Oh, really? Hmm, that’s interesting-I’ll have to mention that to my mom, maybe we can figure out a name that ends in “y” that might work for her.

        LOL at the name “Bratty”-cats do tend to be kinda diva-ish and demanding sometimes, don’t they? Also laughing at Bridget’s mention of acrobatic kitties :D!

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Angela, my neighbors had a cat they named Nicodemus. At first I though it was because of the Bible but then they told me the cat in “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves” was named Nicodemus. I do think the cat responded to the name and I thought it was a cool name! We had Natalie who was a black, orange and white calico and she was originally called Nicky but that made us feel bad because Nicky the dog died. We named her Natalie after Natalie Wood. Jeff originally called Koontz Cooter but then he found out it’s slang for female junk. Cooter was also on “Dukes of Hazzard.”. He changed it to Koontz and I thought of Dean Koontz. She is a very nice cat! Jeff walks her on a harness like a dog and she likes that!

        Like

  6. FHRFan says:

    I burst out laughing at Billy’s puzzlement at the weiner car. Just what IS it supposed to be? I remember it had a really stupid horn, too, that would blow “Where, or where has my doggie gone?” or something like that.

    And in that final screen cap, John Stamos looks like “This is what my career has been reduced to?”

    Like

  7. Pink Dork says:

    So… wait. Though I was never an avid (or even at all) follower of this show, I am aware from my avid following of this review blog that Jesse has only a couple of distinguishing character traits – one of those is “member of his shitty band.” If he’s outta the band, then that leaves only: “likes fried chicken” and “likes Elvis.” Oh dear. I don’t suppose the writers will replace “member of shitty band” with “excellent parenting skills” or “ex-freeloading-narcisicistic-ass who now engages with the family,” will they? I’m on the edge of my seat for this cliffhanger!

    Like

    • FHRFan says:

      Just wait. Jesse forms an even shittier band this season.

      Like

      • seasoned salt says:

        The audition episode is coming up, yes? I remember the guitarist named Sludge. Also Viper is introduced and he had a nice butt.

        Like

      • Pink Dork says:

        Viper – that cliched name indicates he will be a baaaaaaad boy. But if you say his is a nice ass then I’m in, dammit!

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        The name Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets is vomit-inducing! The names the Beatles and the Monkees are more tolerable and not as creepy sounding!

        Like

    • lovetolaugh says:

      Don’t forget, he rides a motorcycle and he says “Have mercy” a lot. Can’t ignore those characteristics 😉

      Like

      • Pink Dork says:

        I’m sorry I made him seem so shallow, LTL. I stand dogged. and will be much more careful in the future.

        An even shittier band FHRF? Can’t wait for that! I’m stoked, yo!

        Like

      • Vamking12 says:

        Inpossibu! that can’t happen nothing worse then Jessie and the rippers. Nothing!

        Like

      • Anisky says:

        “Hot Daddy and the Monkey Puppets” sounds like it should be a joke about how ridiculously awful things could get, doesn’t it?

        Like

    • ru-d2f says:

      Don’t worry, there’s a happy ending. Jesse and his band were able to put aside their differences enough to perform on fallon last month.

      Like

  8. seasoned salt says:

    Billy, thanks for the shoutout in last week’s post! Here I thought I was just another pathetic loser who remembers every episode of Full House, but finally we are rewarded for our pain.

    This episode annoyed me so much, even when I “liked” the show. A plot line where they make an animal behave like a human is kosher for kids shows, but anyone over the age of seven would eyeroll so hard at that they’d pull a muscle.

    Like

  9. Alison says:

    I always remember this episode as the most boring episode ever. Your review was a thosand times more interesting than the actual episode. They must have really been running out of ideas. “Let’s have Jesse act like a jerk some more, and this time the dog will get lost because of it.” And really, that dog didn’t get lost. He ran away on purpose. He was sick of Stephanie crying all over him all the time.

    Like

  10. Jake Bitterman says:

    Loved the review. So many cliches and tropes in this episode alone. Animals having human qualities for no reason, lame alliteration, a stereotypical rich kid, and my huge pet peeve, the “character says something that causes confusion that could easily be clarified in two seconds with further explanation.” You mentioned it and its just so stupid. When Stephanie doesnt believe Michele that Comet was chasing a giant wiener, how hard would it be for Michele to be like “well it was a car that had a fake hot dog on its roof.” I dont care hold old she is, that is common sense. What a dumb bitch.

    Which brings me to Jason “Not James” Marsden (no relation). That dude was in every show in the 90s, he had to have had the best agent in the world. Step by Step, Boy Meets World, Eerie Indiana, and the voice of Jinx in Hocus Pocus! His IMDB page is actually pretty absurd, hes done crazy amounts of voice work.

    But yeah bro, it only goes downhill from here. In a month you are gonna be begging for the days of chasing a dog around a city. At least you get to enjoy the SF scenery!

    Like

    • lovetolaugh says:

      You forgot the most rampant cliche of all: A group of people searching for someone, only to keep missing said person by a hair.

      Like

    • Bridget says:

      People always thought James and Jason were related, but they both came forward and said no.

      Like

      • Sarah says:

        The first line of Jason Marsden’s IMDB page… “With a career spanning more than 25 years, Jason Marsden has been affectionately referred to as… ‘that guy from that show.'” No joke.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        I wonder what kind of street cred one gets by being “that guy from that show”?

        Like

      • Angela says:

        I have to admit, I always wondered about that, too :D! Either that or I just got the two confused/thought they were somehow the same person or something.

        Like

    • Oh Mylanta says:

      Tino from The Weekenders! Not 90s (well… I guess 1999 still counts), but still a great show, and his voice is clearly recognizable.

      Like

  11. VanPatrick says:

    So did they have to specially make a fourth wall for this episode? Despite it being the blandest of set design (Oooh, a secretary! Wonder what they keep in it?), this and all the location shooting have to make this one of the most expensive episodes in series history.

    I have to say I’m surprised to see as much adoration for Jason Marsden here as I do. I think he was unnaturally shoe-horned into about every ebbing T.G.I.F. show around this time, like a 90’s equivalent of Ted McGinley. And he sounded like every wiseass teenager in Saturday morning cartoons, because he was every wiseass teenager in Saturday morning cartoons.

    And lastly, at what point do Jesse and Becky address the fact that they’re bowl cut sporting offspring have a neurological disorder? How old are they, three or so? Michelle had already set herself up as the Machiavellian alpha of the Full House at their age, and they still can’t form intelligible words and phrases. It’s just not cute anymore (not that it was ever cute).

    Like

  12. Staplerhed says:

    Fourth wall!
    You would think with all of the high paying jobs these people have that they would own a tv that’s just a little bit bigger.

    Like

  13. Kyle C. Haight says:

    Home-stretch now…

    That meta-reference in the cold open is really weird. Not only do we see that fourth wall that’s never been seen before, the cast is actually watching their own show. Perhaps this implies that the Tanners are aware of the fact that their lives are being broadcast, Truman-Show style? Considering that Urkel once visited the full house, how strange would it have been if they had been sitting down to watch Family Matters or another one of the TGIF shows set in the same universe, like Step By Step or Boy Meets World? In fact, considering that Step By Step is set in the same universe as Full House, it gets even weirder a couple of years later as I’m pretty sure there was an episode of that show were John Stamos appeared as himself and made reference to the fact he starred in Full House. Then again, the producers of Full House could hardly maintain continuity within their own show, so, how the hell can they be expected to maintain any when it branches out into another show’s continuity?

    Like

    • Angela says:

      I never noticed that whole thing with them watching their own show until now! Weird.

      As for the rest of your post? *Head starts spinning*

      Like

  14. teebore says:

    almost as if to say, “anyone remember that this family has a dog?”

    “Because he’s going to be important to this episode!”

    It’s also weird that you get a view of the 4th wall here, especially given the meta-circumstances.

    It always kinda freaks me out when a multi-cam sitcom suddenly switches things around and shows us the (literal) fourth wall. My mind instantly starts trying to compute if there’s enough room between the couch and that wall to account for all the activity that took place in that space through the years.

    If nobody who worked on the show cared then I guess I shouldn’t either.

    This should have been the review written by every critic who ever wrote about this show through the years.

    Jesse gets together with his shitty band to rehearse

    Just to be clear, at this point Jermsey has as many jobs (musician, DJ, night club impresario) has character traits (likes Elvis, fried chicken, his hair), which is pretty crazy.

    It’s aggravatingly asinine.

    I see what you did there…

    As Gary hangs up his keytar for the final time

    Don’t worry Gary, the awesome music of the keytar can’t be silenced for long!

    …but nobody else can understand why she wouldn’t just continue to exploit him for his vast resources because they’re all terrible people.

    Eh, I’m with Kimmie and Stephanie on this one. Ride that show pony into the ground, DJ!

    Why doesn’t she just let the dog shit in the backyard?

    Frankly, I’m not at all surprised that the dog has picked up on his family’s sense of entitlement and reached a point where he refuses to soil his own yard, and will expel his waste whilst being walked (and presumably, also fed snausages).

    I can’t tell what this is supposed to be… it can’t be a delivery vehicle because it’s too small, so what is it?

    Maybe like the delivery car for some kind of fast food restaurant that makes hot dogs? Damn, now I want a restaurant to deliver me some hot dogs…

    Seriously, if just one of the girls would think to look in a different direction than everyone else this bullshit would be over with already.

    “Quick! Fan out and lets all search the same area at the same time!”

    They hug and the audience goes, “aww” and then Comet comes back and everyone gathers around to pet him because god forbid that everything doesn’t turn out perfectly for these fucks even once.

    This might be the most bullshit ending yet. I mean, the odds of that dog A. not being picked up by animal control B. not getting killed and C. finding his own way home are pretty low. All this does is reinforce bad pet owner behavior. “Eh, if we lose our dog, he’ll find his own way home eventually…”

    Like

    • Stephen says:

      Yeah, at the end, Michelle asks “Gee Comet, I wonder what you did all day” or something, and Comet’s thought balloon pops up, with the female collie in it. Oh brother . . . I think that’s supposed to be a double entendre but who knows. The whole Coit Tower thing was kind of stupid because would a dog really be smart enough to do that? And were DJ and Nelson supposed to be on the staircase of Telegraph Hill? And why couldn’t this episode just take place in the morning, so Wake Up San Francisco being shot at the wharf would make more sense than an afternoon edition?

      Like

      • Vamking12 says:

        Well teebore if your owner are the fucking tanners your have to learn how to get back home with ease I have a feeling this the first this happen

        Like

      • catwalkspy says:

        Teebore, I thought the exact same thing about the fourth wall. There’s too many damn dance routines going on in that living room for that fourth wall to make any sense.

        Like

    • Stacy says:

      I do slightly disagree with a dog’s ability to find its way home. I think dogs have a great sense of direction/instinct. There are the stories of dogs (and even cats) whose owners moved hundreds to thousands of miles away and the dog ran away after they moved and found its way back to the original home.

      My own dog is a freakin’ Houndini (she can escape from the back yard like no one’s business – though I have managed to keep her from doing so most of the time). She’ll go out for hours and always come right up to my front door when she’d done with her adventures. Granted, she’s staying in my neighborhood and isn’t exploring a big city, but she definitely knows how to find her way back home.

      But yeah, the whole animal control or getting killed/injured would have been high for these dogs wandering around a big city like San Francisco.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Stacy, my late dog Nicky (boy) would run away from us and he would always come back! We have one golden named Buddy who is very popular with everyone, especially toddlers who are enthralled with such a beautiful dog and I don’t think the bandanas Buddy wears hurt either! I am not kidding about this story, when my late grandmother (mother’s mother) and our late golden Daisy were still around, Mom took them to a church fair or something and all these little black kids kept coming up to them and ask to pet Daisy. Needless to say, Daisy is totally color-blind in terms of skin color of strangers and she loved all those little brown hands petting her! Another time when Daisy was full grown, Grandma was sitting on the couch and Daisy fancied herself a lapdog and she sat on Grandma’s lap! All you could see we’re Grandma’s wrinkled hands and legs under the pile of furry gold!

        Like

      • Stacy says:

        Bridget, Goldens are my favorite purebred dog. They’re so cute as puppies and stay so cute as adults. Plus of course, they tend to be sweet natured.

        My dog, Zoey, is a mutt (I think she’s part lab and hound dog) that I got from the animal shelter just over 10 years ago when she was about 7 or 8 months old. She is seriously one of the sweetest dogs out there. And like Daisy, she’s color-blind as well. She doesn’t care WHO is loving on her, as long as they do. She will get that doggie feelings hurt look if someone doesn’t pat her or give her attention (for example, the cable guy who might be scared or uninterested in dogs).

        I’m going to a cabin for Labor Day weekend and it happens to be pet friendly. So I asked the group going if I could bring Zoey and they’re all excited about it. Two of the folks going have met Zoey and adore her and the rest are just happy to have a big lovable dog.

        Even my 2 cats adore my dog. One in particular is so smitten with her. He cuddles up with her as much as he can. It’s freakin’ adorable.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Stacy, my father was very anti-dog when I was growing up, but Daisy and Buddy grew on him! He will cuddle with Bud on the couch and watch TV with him. Once my mom took Daisy out for her walk and she ran into the woods and mom couldn’t find her and she asked a man if he saw her. Daisy came out of the woods then and there! Buddy was loved by Morris our late cat as well and Bud gets along with Koontz, my brother’s cat. When it was too hot for Buddy for his walk, I sang, “It’s getting hot in here, so take off all your fur” from “Madagascar 3.”

        Like

    • Angela says:

      I love your responses here :D. Particularly the stuff about DJ, Comet, and the family’s ridiculous ways of searching for the dog.

      Also, speaking of the wiener mobile, this line gave me a REALLY good laugh:

      Michelle tells her that Comet went chasing after a humongous wiener but Stephanie won’t believe her, presumably because Michelle completely neglects to provide any further context.

      This site has corrupted me. My mind went to some very, VERY wrong places after reading that.

      Like

  15. Lisa says:

    I hate to admit it, but I actually like the opening credits for the Olsen twins. By this point, they had done some movies together and everyone knew Michelle was played by two people. This way they were kind of able to show both twins in the opening shot. Granted one of them was a drawing, but it still works.

    I also remember in a different episode they showed DJ, Stephanie, Michelle, and Kimmie driving around San Francisco in Kimmie’s brother’s car so this isn’t the first episode they shot on location in the city, but it is the most time they spent in the city.

    Like

    • Billy Superstar says:

      i never though about the portrait of michelle in the opening being a reference to their being two of them. that’s actually a pretty interesting idea, which is why it didn’t occur to me in this context.

      that other time they went outside was totally not shot in san francisco. it looked a lot like L.A. to me…

      Like

      • Lisa says:

        I just looked up your review for that other episode (Be True to Your Preschool) and you mentioned that it looked like LA there are well. Oops.

        Like

      • Stephen says:

        yeah it might have been a backlot with fake buildings made to look like SF or they just shot in one of the neighborhoods in Los Angeles and thought “eh, people will think it’s SF”

        Like

      • trlkly says:

        The funny thing is that I think this was the point where they started thinking the girls looked too dissimilar and would only use one of them most of the time.

        Like

    • Jane says:

      Was that actually shot in San Francisco though? It may have been LA. Anybody know?

      Like

  16. Michelle's acting coach says:

    How appropriate that Jesse and his family are watching themselves while hogging the TV and couch in the living room of Danny’s house, despite the fact they have the entire attic (and the garage). Danny is probably sitting on the floor pouting while Jesse and Becky sit on the couch and Michelle sits in the other chair. Danny keeps thinking, “I could have Lou Bond money right now AND a seat.”

    And why is Jesse not at work? If it’s afternoon, he should be doing his show. Typically the rush hour “drive time” show runs from 2-6.

    Like

    • Vamking12 says:

      Come on Danny Lou bond was the second coming his first this he did was try to make a millionnillie AND. Get your house back. Why didt you take it.

      Like

    • Sara Wilson says:

      LOL “I could have Lou Bond money right now!” So true!! Man, I bet for the rest of my life I could live off a quarter of the money he was willing to throw into that house, or even half of a quarter of it.
      Also, I love how in this show, NO one needs to be at school or work unless it fits the plot. The girls can be chilling at home on a random ass Tuesday with no mention of school.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        I agree! If you are offered money or an educational or work opportunity you would be stupid not to take it!

        Like

    • Angela says:

      I always wondered about that, too, not just with this show, but other ones that I watched as a kid. Either it was the weekend an awful lot of the time on these shows, or these people were skipping work/school on a regular basis.

      LOL at the “Lou Bond” thing, too!

      Like

      • Kyle C. Haight says:

        I would like to suggest that for the rest of the season, whenever there’s a moment where Jesse and the rest of the assholes prove how much of a hindrance they are to Danny’s life, someone should bring up the fact that he could have Lou Bond’s money if it wasn’t for them.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        LMAO, I second this idea :D! That would be great. I’d definitely watch that.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        You’re right, Kyle! Families are great, but when they start acting like a cult or when they get in the way of the head of the household having a wonderful opportunity, they are dangerous!

        Like

      • Sara Wilson says:

        LMAO! I love it! “Danny takes a moment to ponder how much Lou Bond money he could be rolling in if not for his stupid devilish daughter.”
        Should I change my comment name to Lou Bond? lol!
        That kind of reminds me of what someone on here said about Jesse’s “Forever” video- it’s so awful that instead of saying things have “jumped the shark” we could change it to “making the video”
        LMAO!! Who was the one who said that?? Brilliant person please read this and come forward. If I have to I’ll go back and look 🙂

        Like

  17. Vomit Comet says:

    Awesome work.

    I guess it’s too late now, but I always thought you should have talked about America’s Funniest Home Videos (with Saget), and then later, America’s Funniest People (with Coulier), at some point between seasons. Maybe you can mention that when you wrap it up. There’s not much to say.

    That bit about the opening credits reminds me of this… Whenever I hear that theme song, I always insert my own lyrics “everywhere you look, everywhere you look, there’s a hard-on”

    Like

    • Billy Superstar says:

      “everyone gets hit in the nuts over and over.” there. that’s everything i could possibly say about america’s funniest home videos. i’m not touching america’s funniest people.

      Like

      • VanPatrick says:

        But, A.F.P. regularly features the Jackelope, the prototype for F.H.’s Mr. Woodchuck! Surely for posterity’s same you wouldn’t want to miss out on the origins behind that classic Coullier character? (tongue firmly in cheek)

        Like

      • FAST AS FAST AS ME YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME

        oh wait you just shot me in the fuckin’ head. well played.

        NOOO NOW DAVE COULIER’S DOG IS EATING MY HEAD

        Like

  18. Geonn says:

    Fear not, Billy Superstar. Even if Jesse’s failure was due to faulty wiring rather than his shitty music skills, odds are Jesse was the one who did the wiring for the basement in the first place when they changed it into the studio. Between it being the garage, and Joey’s bedroom, and his studio where he never works, I’m sure he had a hand in SOMEthing down there. I only remember him doing the wiring for the attic, so why wouldn’t he fuck around with the basement, too?

    So his failure was still because he’s a useless human being. It was just one pathetic skill cancelling out another. His ineptitude at electricity countered his ineptitude as a musician.

    Come to think of it, his dad is probably lucky Jesse didn’t take over the extermination business. Season 8 would have been all about how San Francisco is overrun by giant mutant cockroaches that he not only failed to kill but had somehow given sentience to.

    Damn. That sounds pretty awesome.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sarah Portland says:

      He would have single-handedly brought back bedbugs 20 years early.

      Like

    • Bridget says:

      I live in Wisconsin and it’s famous for terrible winters and the only good thing about the winters is that the ticks hate the cold and it kills them! I think Jesse as an exterminator would not get to the source of an infestation and it would manifest itself into the case of insects taking over and being our overlords ala “The Simpsons.”

      Like

      • Angela says:

        Ooh, hey, you live in Wisconsin? Hi, neighbor! *Waves from Iowa*

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        I have lived in Wisconsin my whole life and welcome! Remember I mentioned the filming of “Children of the Corn” in your fair state? I do think Stephen King did get the idea for COtC from the Spanish movie “Who Can Kill a Child?”. It came out in 1976 and was redone as “Come Out and Play” in 2013. These stories follow the same idea of killer kids and the Spanish one was filmed on a beautiful island in Spain and COtC came out as a book in 1977 or so. I think Michelle has creepy hypnotic powers over the denizens of the house like those kids had over each other in those movies!

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Cool!

        Yeah, I do remember that discussion! I could see King being inspired by something like that, it sounds like something he would watch. Sounds very creepy-it’s interesting to see horror movies from other parts of the world, they have their own unique twists on scary story ideas. I’ve seen a Japanese horror film (‘The Eye’) that was pretty freaky.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        “Who Can Kill a Child” was much better than the remake and the whole idea was that the kids were getting back at the adults or starting wars and other events that hurt them! I think foreign movies are a nice change of pace from American ones. My library in Waukesha has a Spanish section of books like “Firestarter” and “Flowers in the Attic” and I checked them out to see them translated to Spanish.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Angela, even though North Americans speak English like UK inhabitants, would you consider British movies like anything Hugh Grant films in his country to be foreign? I know we speak English, but they call gasoline petrol, elevators lifts, and children sprogs. I saw a good British horror movie called “The Children” and everyone was very British and all! Off topic: one person who saw “Guyana Tragedy: The Story of Jim Jones” thought Monkees Davy Jones was related to Jim Jones! The only things they had in common were race, dark hair, and the same last name. If Jim Jones was Davy’s father, he would be a teenage father! Davy and the rest of the Monkees did shill Kool-Aid and they poisoned that punch in Jonestown.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        I did not mean the Monkees poisoned the punch! They were all far from Guyana back in 1978!

        Like

      • Angela says:

        I don’t doubt that about the child movie-usually the original tends to be the best. There’s a few notable exceptions, though, of course. “Flowers in the Attic” would be rather interesting in Spanish-I studied that language in middle and high school, but it’s been so long, I’d definitely need a refresher course. I’d like to pick up learning it again, it was a neat language to learn and I’d like to improve my ability with it (I could write basic sentences and remember certain words, but I was nowhere near being fluent in the language).

        As for British films…hm. Good question. Well, they are “foreign” in the sense that anything that isn’t from my country would be considered foreign. I’d say ultimately that they could fall under that category. But you raise a good point that it’s hard for a lot of people to think of them as foreign because most people associate that word with whole other languages and more “exotic” locales and stuff like that.

        Oh, man, that’s kind of freaky (and bizarre) to think people would believe that Davy was related to the guy in the Jonestown situation! But yes, thankfully, no, he wasn’t. Jones just happens to be a very common last name. Heck, that’s why Bowie changed his name-he was born David Jones, too!

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        I read “Flowers in the Attic” in English with the Spanish version and it was pretty easy! I think English aside, UK movies are foreign because they have their own slang terms and they have their own customs. As for the 2 David Joneses, Davy said that David Jones was a very common name in the UK. David Bowie didn’t mind changing his name and he showed genuine sadness when Davy died! My mom’s former friend is married to a guy named David who kind of sucks. I always say, “The wrong David died” as a nod to “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story.”. As for Jonestown, I recommend the documentary about the People’s Temple and the Guyana movie.

        Like

  19. Taylor Kerekes says:

    If anything at all, I’d definitely change the ending to this episode. Maybe something like: after Comet sees the family’s plea for him to return on TV, he’s like “Forget it” and he and his lady dog run away together. I think that’s a much better ending for me, because Comet is admittedly one of the few characters on this show that I can tolerate, and considering how corny his owners are, I think it’d be real satisfying to have him ditch them and stick with his girl.

    Oh, yeah, and I do consider Full House to be a LOT cornier than Power Rangers. At least Power Rangers has a lot more intelligence and charm to it.

    Like

  20. Sarah Portland says:

    A giant hot dog on a car AND Coit Tower? Getting a little heavy-handed with the penis jokes, Full House.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      I agree! Sheldon Cooper from “The Big Bang Theory” calls Penny and Leonard’s lovemaking “The Coitus.”. The guys who write for FH must be quite horny or they wrote for “Sex and the City”!

      Like

  21. Melanie says:

    1. “Very special coverage of street performers” is my new favorite show.

    2. I actually think that 4th-wall-break might be the most interesting thing they’ve ever done on this show. Which really says something, doesn’t it? But I’m sure someone out there will thank you for that screencap when they set about creating their tiny Full House diorama.

    Like

  22. aray says:

    I remember this episode pretty well. I always thought it was odd that Nelson let the girls use his limo to look for Comet but he didn’t go with them. It’s not like there wasn’t room for all of them. Did he just wait there until they were done looking and sent his limo back to pick him up?

    Like

  23. SavaFiend says:

    I have to say, Jodie Sweetin didn’t look all that bad at this point, but whoever her wardrobe person was for Full House must have hated her, because even for this time period, she’s in some seriously awful attire. It’s always shapeless and never seems to fit her right!

    Like

  24. SavaFiend says:

    Comments on this episode:

    How did they let not one but TWO dogs on the trolley – dogs who were there without owners or any sort of adult present, I might add?

    Why would Wake Up, San Francisco do an afternoon taping at all? I thought the whole point of morning shows was because people watch while getting ready for work or whatever. Who would be watching in the afternoon? Oh wait…I’m sure that show is already so far down in the ratings that it doesn’t matter.

    Seems to me that overprotective Danny wouldn’t want DJ riding around in the back of a limo with some boy. Of course, DJ is so frigid, it probably doesn’t matter anyway.

    Like

    • Melanie says:

      I like that this episode has not one, but TWO plot points about the afternoon guys failing to show up for their job. (What happened to the afternoon news crew? Every station has a noon news slot.)

      Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Afternoon Guy conspiracy theory: the noon crew for the TV station and the Lunchtime Lunatics were tired of being upstaged by every talentless hack to come out of the Full House. They all called out sick that morning and went to Hooters for hot wings instead. Later, they took the gay sex boat out for a joy ride, hoping to cruise by in the background of the wharf to wave at the assholes now having to cover for them.
        OR: they’re buried under the cement slab in the backyard.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        ROTFL, I love this. I shall firmly believe one of these two scenarios happened (preferably the first one) :D.

        Yeah, this…

        Moments later, all of the girls show up because they had the same idea to ruin Danny’s live taping by telling him about the stupid dog running away and pretty soon the whole show becomes a lost dog PSA even though nobody watching at home could possibly give a shit

        …just made me sigh. I forgot all about the show suddenly doing a taping and the family all appearing on TV.

        I’m telling you, the other residents of that city are going to rise up one of these days. There’s only so many times they can sit there watching TV or listening to the radio or whatever and say, “Oh, fucking hell, these guys AGAIN?!”

        Like

  25. Smash says:

    Danny doesn’t care if the sausages have some dog slobber on them because after 8 years with Jesse and Joey he’s had worse things in his mouth.

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      Thanks, Smash. “Female found Dead At Computer After Choking To Death on Own Saliva. Appears To have Been Reading Comment Section on FHR”.

      Like

    • Angela says:

      Oh, dear god…*Covers mouth, giggles maniacally*

      Thank you. Now I don’t feel so alone regarding the disturbing thoughts I mentioned having above.

      Like

  26. Ike says:

    It’s not everyone who can seamlessly drop the word maladroit into a Full House review. I bet Billy killed it on the SATs.

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      Yeah, I noticed that, too. “Hey baby, what’s a guy with a large vocabulary like you, doing a review blog about a shitty show like this?”

      Like

      • Billy Superstar says:

        i never even took the sats!

        Like

      • lovetolaugh says:

        Really? Impressive 🙂

        I actually have somewhat of a lame question — are you an avid reader? I’m a bookworm, and I am always impressed by your extensive vocabulary. It’s normally a sign of someone who gets a lot of reading in 🙂

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        I agree with you there, LTL! I remember my boss telling me at Wal-Mart to go to the Mops and Brooms area and the term “Mops and Brooms” means drunk in Thomas Hardy’s “Tess of the D’Urbervilles.” I get a sly look when I see that area of cleaning products marked that way! I almost suggested that Billy was probably using his one word a day calendar or he read a thesaurus.

        Like

      • Billy Superstar says:

        i wish that i got a lot more reading done than i do! i read a lot more when i was a kid and didn’t have a career and bills and stuff. this blog started out primarily as a writing exercise and i try to find ways to make it a constructive practice. i use a thesaurus regularly when i write these reviews, partially to expand my vocabulary and partially so i just don’t use “shitty” to describe every single thing that happens (there are so few cases where it’s not an appropriate adjective). just to be perfectly honest, though, maladroit was already in my vocabulary because artie defines it for hank on an episode of the larry sanders show. that’s, like, one of my favorite shows ever.

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Well-read/spoken men are very sexy *Nods*. Mmhm.

        Line forms to the left, ladies.

        Like

      • Non-Jerk Michelle says:

        Uh oh, FHR Lady Boner Parade. Protect yourself from all the cooties Billy, “ewww!”

        Like

      • Billy Superstar says:

        aw, shucks, ladies. aw, geez! yer makin me blush!

        Like

  27. Sarah Portland says:

    The look on Stephanie’s face in the group shot at the wharf… “I can’t believe I’m being paid to do this shit. I could really use some drugs right now.”

    Like

  28. FHRFan says:

    One of the best things about the comments section here is the nicknames. Mine (short for “Full House Reviewed Fan”) pales in comparison to the likes of Mr. Goodpart, Jake Bitterman, etc. I’m waiting for someone to take on “Nelson’s Nostrils”.

    Like

  29. CathySantone says:

    Oh man I remember Roger Lodge! He had a cheesy tattoo of “Blind Date” on his arm. Seriously.

    Like

    • Angela says:

      Wow, seriously? Eesh.

      I never caught on that he was on this show until now, but yeah, I remember him and “Blind Date”, too! That show was pretty funny-some really strange people/dates on there.

      Like

    • DawnieP says:

      I remember Blind Date. There was an episode that featured a driving instructor who got into an accident on the show. The girls decided not to go on a second date.

      Like

  30. Non-Jerk Michelle says:

    Top-notch season opener review! Asshole Parthenon at its best.

    The whole pre-credit gag is disturbing to me, not only are they watching themselves but it skeeves me out to see the wall behind the tv….:chill:

    The entire Jesse-Michelle epiphany for losing the dog scene is friggin’ ridiculous. Michelle should have known better than to take him out, especially when she isn’t “allowed to cross the street.” She just conveniently chooses what rules she wants to follow; Michelle Tanner Controls the Universe. And it’s not like anyone gives a damn about the dog unless he’s doing some trick they taught him.

    P.S. Covering that much of the city by foot in an afternoon is down-right impossible (looking at you Michelle, Stephanie, Kimmy Gibler and Comet!)

    Happy weekend everyone 🙂

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      NJ Michelle, I agree she should not have taken the dog out without supervision! Lauren who is 8 would never walk Buddy alone because he gets wild and all that! She never lets him sniff for too long or daydream like he does, though! I mean, it would take Jesse not even a minute or so to open up a can of Alpo for Comet or dump some crunchy food into a bowl for him! It’s not like he works at the zoo and has to feed a sea lion or the elephants or something! As for Buddy, I asked Dad why he gave the dog such a common name and my Dad got a painfully sappy look on his face and he said, “It’s because he’s my buddy.” I call Buddy Budrick James or Buddy J from time to time.

      Like

  31. Sarah Portland says:

    Gather ’round children, for I have a tale of horror to tell.
    Last night, I was babysitting for a girl that I have been watching for the past eight years or so. It was a dark and less-than-stormy night, and becoming later with each tick of the clock. The younger sister says “I’ll play ten more minutes of Minecraft, and then you can play.”
    “No,” replies the elder. “I wish to do something else. When you have completed your turn on Minecraft, I wish to watch television. I wish to watch… Full House.”
    If it had been stormy, this would have been the perfect cue for lighting to flash across the sky, cutting out the lights in the house and throwing everyone’s faces into sharp relief.
    “Oh my God, why?” I demanded. I would have been less uneasy if she had said that she wanted to dance naked through the street covered in chicken blood, or start a cult dedicated to the Egyptian god Ra. Instead she said something far more terrifying.
    “Because I like that show. It’s old. And… I like Michelle.”
    The musical track that was playing in my head switched to the theme from the shower scene in Psycho as I sat in open-mouthed horror.
    It was night. I was the babysitter. Michelle Tanner was calling to her… and the call was coming from inside the Full House.

    Like

    • Angela says:

      *Shudders* Scary!

      Thank goodness you lived to tell the tale! I wonder if you can use that as a negotiating tactic for pay or something next time you babysit?

      Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Fortunately, she was too involved in her i-Thing to remember that request, so when her sister was done with her game, they watched some crappy kids’ channel variety show instead. I got lucky there. I would not have had to watch FH because I was busy blogging, but I would have had to sit in the same room with it, and that would have been unacceptable.

        Like

  32. Lisa says:

    it always amazes me how fugly stephanie became. she was such a cute kid, what happened?

    it always seems like anytime danny is doing a live and/or special episode of WUSF, one of these assholes runs on to the set with complete disregard to the fact that there is a live audience. not just in this episode, but there’s a few others that come to mind too (like the one where DJ just shows up on set and danny is all shocked to see her, though i can’t remember exactly which episode this is in.) the unprofessionalism on the set of WUSF just blows my mind.

    Like

  33. Bridget says:

    Lisa, Angela, and Sarah it is a mystery how such a cute kid became ugly! Michelle always had that Mary Lennox thing from “The Secret Garden” going for her because both Mary and Michelle were ugly babies, ugly toddlers, and ugly girls! Off topic: here is something to put a smile on your faces! They gathered 222 golden retrievers in Scotland at Lord Tweedmouth’s castle where he bred the dog type in the 1860s. These dogs photographed beautifully and unlike other breeds, they weren’t fighting at all!

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      Great. Let’s ship Michelle to the moors and see if she gets prettier. On an odd note, I once read a book set in SF where one of the main characters, a goth girl, laments the fact that SF has no moors. She projects that moors could be made – after all SF already has the fog for it – and that it would be a lovely place for family picnics, or hiding bodies.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Well, Mary Lennox did put on some weight and regained a healthy color. She was no longer sallow and thin. Did you look at the 222 goldens, Sarah? It’s like they cloned my dog and all are very cute!

        Like

  34. Megan says:

    the guy that plays Nelson was also on Boy Meets World. why did DJ have to call it off with Nelson? he was a good guy . i liked him alot better than Viper. Nelson was also very smart and cute . Viper was well nothing like Nelson . i rather Nelson.

    Like

  35. Dr. Bitz says:

    So, because of this blog, anytime I see that Full House is on TV I’m compelled to punish myself and watch it. So I turned to it today and saw Season 6 Episode 8 “The Play’s the Thing.” The one where Michelle doesn’t get cast as Yankee Doodle Dandy (http://www.fullhousereviewed.com/2012/10/12/season-6-episode-8-the-plays-the-thing/).

    Anyway, when Jermsey is trying to cheer Michelle up for not getting the part he says that while he’s the lead singer that makes him no more important than his bass player. Then Jermsey can’t think of the bass player’s name. He says to Joey, “You know, the kid with the curly hair. It’s Lenny or Lonnie or something.”

    At the end of the scene Michelle forgives Jesse for passing her over as Yankee Doodle Dandy and then informs him that the bass player’s name is Lannie.

    Now we get this scene:
    “As Gary hangs up his keytar for the final time, Jesse pleads with them to stay, addressing them all by name, including one guy that he calls Lonnie who corrects him by telling him that his name is Lannie.”

    Now, we can take all the self-centered cheap shots at Jermsey we want. But what an odd big of subtle, long term continuity for this show. Could it be that someone on this show is actually paying attention!? It’s probably just a coincidence.

    Liked by 1 person

    • trlkly says:

      I figure it was the guy who played Lannie who remembered. Maybe he even had the guts to make them rescript the scene when he was given the name Jerry (and Jesse called him Jeremy).

      Like

      • Roger says:

        the only problem is the guy who says he’s Lanny is not the bass player here – he’s the guitarist. so much for trying to build continuity…

        Like

  36. Jorge says:

    The dog got his own episode where in he sees all of San Fran, meets another dog, falls in love, has a steady relationship, has an easy break up (go figure) and probably partied a shit ton, but Stephanie couldn’t even get past first base?

    Like

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