Season 8, Episode 12, “DJ’s Choice”

If this episode doesn’t end up being about DJ getting an abortion I’m gonna be pretty disappointed.

Pre-Credits Gag:  Michelle preps the twins for their day at the park by helping them practice swinging their legs so they can swing on the swings by themselves.  Pretty inspired.

As DJ and Stephanie get ready to go to the street fair, they’re greeted by Nelson and Kimmie Gibbler, who refers to Stephanie as, “El Blondo,” which gets a big laugh even though it doesn’t even mean anything.  Is it supposed to be an insult?  Maybe it’s insulting to people that speak Spanish because their language is being so poorly emulated, but I don’t know why that would bother Stephanie.  Stephanie asks Nelson what the fuck’s wrong with him that he’s decided to start dating Kimmie Gibbler but he’s like, “hell naw, I wouldn’t fuck Kimmie Gibbler with your penis,” then he starts asking DJ about her relationship with Viper.  She says that Viper’s pretty rad and then changes the subject to Kimmie Gibbler’s successful stint as a pie-eating champion.  On that note, Kimmie Gibbler opens up the fridge and just happens to find a cheesecake inside, which she promptly shoves her face into.  You know, I have nothing left to say about the pushy and presumptuous behavior that takes place inside the full house.  There are no more adjectives or synonyms.  It’s all that ever happens on this show.  It’s like if I pointed it out when they breathed air.  I’m done.

Viper shows up at the door and tells DJ that he thinks that things are moving too fast between them.  Really?  How is that even possible?  Is all the sex that they’re never having wearing him out?  Maybe instead of dating one of those wait-until-marriage chicks he wants one of those never-have-sex-ever chicks.  He tells her that they have to break up and she’s like, “what the fuck?” and then he leaves immediately afterwards.  DJ stands in the living room, stunned, and then Nelson comes in and, upon learning about what just happened, swoops in on some cheap comfort petting.  He starts caressing her and telling her that it’s ok and I just couldn’t stop staring at his gaping nostrils the whole time.  You could rent those nostrils out for like $3,000 a month in San Francisco.  They wouldn’t even have to be in a nice neighborhood.  Maybe that’s why he’s so rich.

DJ says that she feels awful and Nelson’s all, “I know how that feels,” and even though that’s totally shitty and passive aggressive of him to say, DJ take it as a cue to apologize for dumping him earlier in the Season.

Becky and Danny take Michelle and the twins to the park and discover that it’s been vandalized.  I don’t know, you guys, that pretty much just looks like your standard San Francisco public park to me.  Michelle, having never been exposed to any harsh realities of life, is taken aback and tells Danny that she wants to go home.

Back at the full house, Danny calls city hall, who tell him that there are hella vandalized parks queued up ahead of theirs that have to be restored first.  See?  That whole city is a giant shit hole.  Michelle gets all upset and says that if the park is restored, the twins will never learn “to pump,” and even though she’s referring to little kids learning how to swing on the swings, it’s really hard not to turn that phrase into a sexual innuendo.  Let’s try this one instead:  oh, they’ll learn to pump alright.  Pump gas!  Get it?  Because they’re unemployable, because of their horrible language skills.  Actually, being unqualified has never stopped anyone else in their family from getting their own tv show or club or whatever, so never mind.  Anyway, Jesse, Danny and Joey declare that they’re going to recruit the entire neighborhood and restore the park themselves.

After bringing everyone home from the street fair, Nelson starts macking on DJ super hard and then they share a steamy closed mouth kiss.

He asks her out on a date on Saturday and she agrees.  In the very next scene, DJ and Stephanie exchange some expository dialogue that informs us that DJ and Nelson have now gone out on several dates and things are going well.  DJ tries to convince herself that she doesn’t just like Nelson for his money but rather because he’s sensitive and a good listener or some shit like that.  There’s a knock at the door and DJ opens it, expecting Nelson, but Viper rushes in instead.  He tells DJ that he was a dumb ass stupid idiot to break up with her and he wants her back hella bad.  Just then Nelson walks in and he’s like, “what the fuck?”

DJ says that she can’t break her date with Nelson so the two of them leave together.  Viper declares that he won’t be passed over for some rich dipshit with a mullet and enormous nostrils and vows to win DJ back.

After their date, Nelson walks DJ home and comments on how distracted she was the whole time they were out.  She says that she’s confused because she really cared about Viper and Nelson takes it as yet another opportunity to display what a sensitive and caring fellow he is by telling her that he understands.

The second that DJ walks through the door, Viper pops out and starts serenading her with some crappy apology song that he wrote.  That’s just what Jesse always does for Becky whenever he acts like a total asshole.  Or at least he would until they got married, then he stopped trying.  Anyway, DJ is totally won over by Viper’s shitty song so they start smooching.  Nelson walks in to give DJ her big ass bouquet of flowers that she forgot and catches them and he’s like, “damn, y’all, I know that being sensitive and understanding is like my thing and everything, but this is pretty fucked up.  I seriously just left like 30 seconds ago.”  For reals, I’m not a guy that’s cool with slut shaming at all, but I do have to point out that DJ closed mouth kissing two different guys within five minutes is pretty shocking.  For her, I mean.  Not for, like, anyone else.  But for her that’s straight up promiscuous.

Both dudes start pulling on DJ and claiming her as their own and then she tells them to cut it out and give her some time to decide who she wants to continue to have a passionless relationship with.  And so, DJ finds herself torn between the sensitive rich kid and the rebellious grungy guy.  Which 1-dimensional character will she choose?  For some reason, it really feels like there’s not much at stake here.

As the neighborhood (consisting of the denizens of the full house and a bunch of anonymous extras) all pull together to restore their park, Jesse seizes the hammer that Joey is using, explaining that it’s been in his family for several generations and is very precious to him, which isn’t, like, a total set-up or anything.  Joey’s like, “fine, whatever” and goes over to use the table saw instead.  While Danny approaches Jesse for instruction on how to help with the park reparations, Jesse lays his hammer down right directly next to the table saw.  Now, you might be totally shocked by the completely unpredictable turn of events that occurs next, but check this out:  As Joey mindlessly saws wood while doing his terrible Popeye impression, he cuts right through Jesse’s hammer.  I know, I never saw it coming either.  I mean, how could that happen?  Didn’t Jesse just explain how important this hammer that we’ve never heard of before is to him?  How could it get fucked up immediately afterwards?

Jesse sees his ruined hammer and says that he’s going to kill Joey, then he chases him off screen.  Man, if he really did end up murdering him, that whole lame set up would be totally worth it.  But really I bet that they just devised this whole scenario as an excuse to run off and not help with cleaning the park.  Those guys are a couple of real lazy fucks.

After an odd, forced gag where the teeter totter gets stuck and Kimmie Gibbler is launched into a tree, Viper shows up and starts grabbing on DJ and demanding that she make her choice.  About 2 seconds later, Nelson shows up, making similar demands.  Flustered, DJ tells them that she’s been agonizing over this decision but, “it’s not like picking out a pair of shoes.  I want to make the right choice.”  Wait…but… don’t you want to make the right choice when you pick out a pair of shoes?

Nelson says that it’s ok that she hasn’t made her choice yet and then he asks her if she’s heard of the Four Seasons.  She doesn’t really know what he means but then he cues Frankie Valli to come out and lip-synch serenade DJ, which is a pretty grand effort, especially considering that he wasn’t even sure if she was a fan of his.

After Frankie Valli finishes his career-damaging performance (just ask the Beach Boys about what appearing on this shitty show does to your rep), Nelson and Viper continue to fight over DJ until she finally tells them that she’s sick of both of their shit and chooses neither of them.  Yo go, girl!

DJ goes over to the side of the sandbox to sit and mope and Becky comes over to have a very special talk with her.  DJ says that she feels hella shitty and Becky tells her that she did the right thing because if she’d been really into either of those lame dipshits then she wouldn’t have had such a hard time deciding between them.  Their very special talk is kind of hard to focus on because of all the extras in the background who are seriously cleaning the shit out of that slide.  They’ve been at it throughout the entire scene, even before Joey sawed that hammer.  How god damn clean can one slide get?  It’s just ridiculous.

The saddest part of Becky’s speech is that she tells DJ to listen to her heart and never settle, and then when DJ asks if she’ll ever meet a real special guy, Becky tells her, “I did.”  The camera cuts over to Jesse and it’s like a fucking Greek tragedy because Becky is obviously projecting onto DJ due to the fact that she married the shittiest loser on the planet.  “Never settle” my ass.  What a discouraging resolution.  You’re fucked, DJ.

Now that the park’s not all fucked up, the twins swing on the swings.  Yeah, that’s it.

Post-Credits Gag:  Wait, what?  I can only think of one other time where they pulled one of these.  I wonder what’s up with that?  Anyway, everyone goes back to the full house and talks about what a great day they had at the park. Suddenly, they notice that Joey isn’t there and wonder where he is even though him not being around is probably the main reason they had such a great day.  Jesse says that they had a little spat earlier and then I was really hoping that they’d cut to Joey’s dismembered corpse but instead we just see that Jesse staple-gunned him to the fence in the park.  It doesn’t even look like he’s hurt.

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123 Responses to Season 8, Episode 12, “DJ’s Choice”

  1. Richard says:

    I bet it hurt that dog when it was decapitated.

    Like

  2. Pink Dork says:

    Jesse is no Captain Hammer, man, yet there is no way I can look at that screenshot and NOT hear him say, “[this is] not the hammer… The hammer is my penis.” Fuck you, Jesse, and your stupid fucking hammer. You have to stay out of the Whedonverse. Gah!

    Like

    • Angela says:

      LMAO :D!

      On the note of the hammer…what a strange thing to get overly sentimental about. But then again, Jesse IS the guy who also put a hair dryer into a time capsule, so…

      Like

      • Pink Dork says:

        Right? Writers are all: who gives a flying fuck what the heirloom is, just give Jesse something to take to the park, and make sure it’s something that Joey can destroy. Hammer? Sure. Seems legit. Now lets get paid and get the fuck outta here.

        Like

  3. Bridget says:

    Billy, I think the title “DJ’s Choice” is a play-on the movie title “Sophie’s Choice.”. I haven’t seen that critically acclaimed movie, but I read the spoiler. Depressing movie! They had a “Sophie’s Choice” joke on the much better show, “The Middle” with Sue wondering if she should take one part-time job over another. She said, “This is like ‘Sophie’s Choice.’. My friend, Sophie is getting a dog for her birthday and has to decide between a corgi or a beagle.”. As for any article of clothing other than shoes, you want to make the right choice because some fabrics are itchy, some are cheaply made, and some are colors that don’t suit your skin tone. I also don’t think Becky should give relationship advice because she didn’t marry a winner in any way, shape, or form!

    Like

    • TD Nordølum says:

      It’s weird, because Sophie’s Choice was a Nazi officer forcing her to choose between her son or her daughter, which one would she save. And she chose her son because her daughter was crying and whining at the moment she was made to choose.

      Like

  4. Oh Mylanta says:

    I mean, I guess it could’ve been worse for Becky. She could’ve married Joey. But still. Don’t follow her example, DJ.

    There is so much literary gold in this review, I don’t even know where to begin. Thanks, Billy, for making Friday mornings suck a lot less.

    Like

    • Angela says:

      The opening abortion line alone had me giggling.

      Like

    • Vamking12 says:

      She hot.
      Is a talk show host.
      Smart.

      Yet she takes jessie.

      Like

      • LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

        But was she really that smart to begin with? If she was going to marry Doyce Plunk, then marrying Uncle Hermes isn’t that far off. You get what you deserve in life when you choose a mate. I know people who are in their mid to late thirties who are still looking. They’re picky, but they know what they like. Pretty soon, we’ll have seventy year old hipsters who are better looking than our Grandparents were at that age, who will be on OKCupid, “still never settling.”

        “Caitlin: Hi, Bobby. Listen, I had a great time last night. And you probably are used to this a lot, but I didn’t feel an instant spark and I need to feel an instant spark. But I wish you luck tonight as you perform the music of Bon Iver at the Senior Center and I’m sure that I’ll see you around the Rehab Facility.”

        On a side note, how come we never heard about Rebecca’s abortion? Would Jermsey be all up in a tizzie about her little trip back in College to see Dr. Barry Sharp, Council Bluffs, Iowa’s answer to Dr. Kermit Gosnell?

        Like

  5. Bridget says:

    Kimmy should have called Stephanie “La Rubia” if she wanted to call her the Spanish word for “the blond.” Rubio means a blond man and rubia means a blond woman.

    Like

    • RachWho? says:

      Bridget, you are correct about this. I would love to think that it was intended to be a somewhat intellectual joke, with the Spanish literate audience realizing that calling Stephanie “El Blondo” was both exposing Kimmie’s ignorance of Spanish vocabulary while still being an apt joke as she was subtly calling Stephanie a man, but that would be giving the FH writers way, way, way too much credit.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        I agree! In Spanish “el” is male and “la” is female. Stephanie does have a manly quality about her, though!

        Like

      • Becki says:

        In Spanish,the “O”at the end of the word is masculine, and the “A” at the end of the word is feminine. Though you will find some masculine words ending in “a”. Words ending in “ón can be both masculine and feminine.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Wait, wait, wait: didn’t Kimmie take Spanish with DJ a million years ago? Didn’t she suck at it? MY GOD, IS THIS CONTINUITY?

        Like

  6. Baby Lovebutton says:

    That whole thing about turning learning how “to pump” into a sexual innuendo reminds me of Nigel Tufnel’s immortal work “Lick My Love Pump”.

    Like

  7. Sara Wilson says:

    Hilarious review!! I loved “I don’t know, you guys, that pretty much just looks like your standard San Francisco public park to me.” haha
    also renting out Nelson’s nostrils for 3k a month! I wanted to bust out laughing.
    I was reading some news story or blog (i can’t remember which right now and I really don’t care) and the author was bringing up how nostalgic full house episodes made them for their childhood and they actually went on to say how the family was “so relatable”, the most down-to-earth family on tv that reminded them of their own family. Gag! It’s like an out-of-body experience to read stuff like that now and realize it’s not actually sarcastic.
    lmao!

    Like

  8. Smash says:

    Oh man, they’re really fucking with you now Billy. Putting Aunt Becky in shapeless overalls and a huge flannel shirt. That’s just cruel.

    Like

  9. Teebore says:

    If this episode doesn’t end up being about DJ getting an abortion I’m gonna be pretty disappointed.

    Thank you, Billy, for starting my day off with an even heartier laugh than usual.

    Actually, being unqualified has never stopped anyone else in their family from getting their own tv show or club or whatever, so never mind.

    Frankly, I’m surprised someone hasn’t given the twins their own TV show yet.

    Nelson starts macking on DJ super hard and then they share a steamy closed mouth kiss.

    Just the kind of hot, steamy action that was too much for Viper to handle!

    DJ tries to convince herself that she doesn’t just like Nelson for his money but rather because he’s sensitive and a good listener or some shit like that.

    Tevs DJ. Go for the money. Feel no remorse.

    Nelson takes it as yet another opportunity to display what a sensitive and caring fellow he is by telling her that he understands.

    Aw, dude, no, that’s the worst possible play here. Your “sensitive and caring” yourself right into the friend zone and out of the passionless kissing zone.

    Anyway, DJ is totally won over by Viper’s shitty song so they start smooching.

    Of course she is. She grew up in a house where that was the epitome of romance. While many little girls might dream of a prince coming along some day to sweep them off their feet, DJ was probably dreaming of someday having a greasy musician serenade her with a crappy song. If Viper had gone with a Beach Boys cover, DJ probably would have married him on the spot.

    Didn’t Jesse just explain how important this hammer that we’ve never heard of before is to him? How could it get fucked up immediately afterwards?

    Not that I ever, EVER want to give Joey any credit, but Jermsey’s gotta take some blame for this. I mean, if this magic hammer is suddenly so goll-danged special, how about you don’t leave it by the table saw, ESPECIALLY when Joey is on hand?

    Nelson and Viper continue to fight over DJ until she finally tells them that she’s sick of both of their shit and chooses neither of them.

    Ah, the classic TV copout option. Just like when Kelly chose “me” over Brandon and Dylan. Thank god Kelly Kapowski had least had the chutzpah to make an actual choice between Zack and Slater.

    So is the end of Viper? I seem to remember him being around longer, but I could be misremembering that. And how long before Aladdin comes back and he and DJ get together for good?

    How god damn clean can one slide get? It’s just ridiculous.

    Everyone knows the slide is the centerpiece of any good playground. That’s shits gotta be sparkling or the whole park fails.

    Like

  10. Jamie says:

    1-“If this episode doesn’t end up being about DJ getting an abortion I’m gonna be pretty disappointed.”

    I love you.

    2-Okay, this is a terrible thing to admit, but I did (and still kinda do) find Nelson attractive… regardless of his horrifyingly vast nostrils… Hey, at least I don’t find Joey attractive.

    3-Does anyone else find it odd that the twins and Michelle are all wearing matching construction boots in the first screen shot?!

    4-Were The Four Seasons socially relevant in the 90s? I don’t have much first hand memory of those days. But then again I didn’t think Popeye or Bullwinkle was relevant back then either and that never stops Full House from CONSTANTLY referencing it.

    5- I don’t think they play that post-credits gag in syndication! I don’t recognize it at all and I’ve seen this episode (as well as every other) like 8 billion times (I guess I like torturing myself?)

    Nelson > Viper. For reals. Viper is just like Jesse so we all know he’s gonna turn into a reaaaaaaaaaaal asshole.

    Also, of COURSE the entire community bands together just because Michelle wants them too. I’m scared of her, man.

    Thanks Billy, this is one of my favorite posts. ❤ Have a good Friday everybody!

    Like

    • Oh Mylanta says:

      Pretty sure every kid in the 90s had work boots like that. I know I had a pair.

      Frankie Valli definitely wasn’t relevant at that time, but then again, neither were the Beach Boys. They tried to introduce kids to the classics, I guess?

      Like

      • Angela says:

        I have to say, I do actually like “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You”. As well as a few other Four Seasons songs.

        Though I can’t hear “Can’t Take My Eyes…” anymore without thinking of Muse’s rather entertaining take on the song :D.

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Angela, did you see “10 Things I Hate About You”? In the movie, Heath Ledger serenades Julia Stiles character with that song. I think of that scene when I hear the song.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Heehee, the only reason I know the words to that song was because of that movie 😀

        Like

      • Angela says:

        I have seen that movie, yes! It’s been years, mind-back when I was a teenager. But I do remember that scene, definitely :).

        I should watch that movie again. I recall liking it back in the day.

        Like

      • DawnieP says:

        Honestly, when he mentioned the Four Seasons I thought he was referring to the hotel….

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        Dawnie, Frankie Valli and his band mates were standing in front of the 4 Seasons motel when the name occurred to them. I saw it in “Jersey Boys” and that was a very good movie! My mom thought I was seeing “Jersey Girl” when I mentioned “Jersey Boys,” and I said Ben Affleck and the late George Carlin were in “Jersey Girl.”

        Like

      • Jennie says:

        I know this comment is kind of late to this post, but Frankie Valli was kind of relevant in the mid 90s. Oh what a night was remixed into a club version and I remember it was very popular on the radio, and not on the oldies channel.

        Like

    • Frank says:

      But Popeye rules and is always relevant no matter the timeframe. Not even Joey can spoil the awesomeness of Popeye!!!

      Like

    • Sami says:

      Rocky and Bullwinkle was my favorite cartoon in the 90s. My parents even bought me Rocky and Bullwinkle house socks when I was 9. It came on Fox Kids and Nickelodeon.

      Like

      • Angela says:

        Cute!

        Yeah, I used to watch “Rocky and Bullwinkle” reruns all the time as a kid. Along with the little side cartoons that they had-Tennessee Tuxedo was a particular favorite.

        Like

  11. Michelle's acting coach says:

    Such a Tanner family move. “Hey neighbors, we’re all going to to clean up the park that was trashed so Nikki and Alex, I mean the neighborhood kids, can play there. If we all pull together we can knock this out in an afternoon.”

    Meanwhile all the screen caps show the Tanners standing around talking while everybody else works.

    Like

  12. Ellen says:

    No commentary on the mullet/ turtleneck/ suit vest combo Nelson was rocking at the park? To better match his huge nostrils?

    Like

  13. Alison says:

    correct me if i’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure this isn’t the first time Viper’s erratic emotions caused an issue. I’m pretty sure he flipped out because he couldn’t read as “faster” as DJ and assumed that she thought he was dumb because of it, totally putting words in her mouth. And now he’s all “omg we’re moving too fast!” after they haven’t actually DONE anything, and she even ticked off her dad to go see his crappy band play in another city? Dude’s more trouble than he’s worth. He’s not even that good looking, Deej.

    Like

  14. Jimbone says:

    I don’t know if I’m just F-ing crazy or what, but wasn’t this already posted on here before? I KNOW I’ve seen that hammer with the head cut off picture before and the picture of Nelson bringing a bunch of roses and Viper only bringing one or something. I feel like my mind is literally being blown or I’m getting Truman Show’d. Please help!

    Like

  15. TayciBear says:

    I just realized that Gia was in Dude, Where’s My Car.

    Like

  16. RachWho? says:

    I’m beyond shocked that the post-credits sequence didn’t involve Marsha Wallace’s character sauntering up on Joey in that vulnerable state with some funny woman on man rape jokes to follow. That’s the kind of comedy gold FH is best at.

    Like

  17. TayciBear says:

    “For reals, I’m not a guy that’s cool with slut shaming at all, but I do have to point out that DJ closed mouth kissing two different guys within five minutes is pretty shocking.  For her, I mean.  Not for, like, anyone else.  But for her that’s straight up promiscuous.”

    Love this.

    And dude, your robot tester for the comments is starting to use multiplication. Not cool.

    Like

    • Michelle says:

      I know!!! I had 7 x ___ =63! it’s getting out of hand!!!

      Like

    • DawnieP says:

      Yes, Billy explained last week that the spam was out of control..Once it dies down he’ll switch it back.

      Like

    • ComplaintDepartment says:

      This was the worst bit in the review for me. Slut-shaming is wrong, but constantly shaming someone for not being sexual enough is A-okay and hilarious? Fine, DJ is a square like every other character on this show…but repeating “she doesn’t put out and needs to” in every review is every bit as insipid as the writing this blog aims to make fun of, and has the added bonus of being sexist as well. Terrible.

      Like

      • Work says:

        *Yawn* Shut up.

        Like

      • Lisa says:

        Totally agreed, CD. I’m not a political conservative, but it’s this kind of thing that makes me understand why they’re ticked off all the time. There’s just this liberal bias that runs through all aspects of American life. If something is uncool to that one group, it’s completely fine to make fun of. Otherwise, they consider themselves totally open-minded.

        Like

  18. Non-Jerk Michelle says:

    I don’t see why any San Franciscan neighbor would give a flying fart about pulling together to fix up a park. It’ll just revert back to ruins within 24 hours Especially with the Tanners, like that donkey thing happened not too long before this episode. And they’re always fucking up community meetings and probably always doing construction because their house is so regularly destroyed. And I don’t even want to think about where they got the funds to repair everything so quick…

    Shining line: “You could rent those nostrils out for like $3,000 a month in San Francisco. They wouldn’t even have to be in a nice neighborhood. Maybe that’s why he’s so rich.”

    All is right in the world again.

    Like

  19. seasoned salt says:

    Viper and Nelson are such epic lame-os that I wish Steve would come back. Which he does anyway, but not til the end. Spoiler!

    Although I maintain that Viper has a nice butt.

    Like

  20. qwerty says:

    I really gotta stop reading these in public. I can’t contain my smiling and I look like a straight up psycho. I damn near lost it when you mentioned Joey’s corpse.

    If only we were that lucky.

    Like

  21. Amy R. says:

    Sweet looking t-neck Nelson’s rocking. Looks like it’s got a thick nap to it.

    I need to believe that on his way home, Viper runs into Kathy Santoni.

    Like

  22. Bubba Santoni says:

    “After an odd, forced gag where the teeter totter gets stuck and Kimmie Gibbler is launched into a tree” hahaha What is wrong with this show? Most shows would probably make that a big deal and the rest of the neighborhood would probably run to her assistance but thats just Smelly old Kimmie being Kimmie.
    Frankie Vallie is going to be in my city next week I’m sure he’s traveling here through Nelsons nose.
    -Bubba Santoni

    Like

  23. songbird says:

    I can FEEL your disappointment that Joey wasn’t decapitated.

    The Tanners must have an amazing amount of information on the neighbourhood to blackmail them into cleaning a park just so Jesse’s shitty little kids can play on the swings. Can’t imagine them being interested in helping out if it was for anyone else’s kid!

    Becky doesn’t show up enough, we need more of her!

    Like

  24. Comet says:

    You know, with the money Nelson spent booking Frankie Valli for a private engagement, he probably could have renovated that entire park single-handedly.

    Like

  25. lovetolaugh says:

    Awesome, awesome review. Love every bit of it. Especially the pumping jokes.

    I don’t understand why serenading women with love songs is such a glorified apology tactic on this show. It’s a coward’s way out! Anyone can write a shitty song and sing it when they know they’ve screwed up. It doesn’t exactly represent true personal growth or prove that someone learned from their mistake(s).

    Every time Jesse pulls that crap I want to yell, “How about genuinely apologizing to Becky and redeeming yourself by, you know, NOT acting like a jerk, instead of spending 3 minutes writing a “song” and then looking at her with puppy dog eyes as you sing it?”

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      It’s worked on other shows as well. As for me, if a guy starts serenading me, I’m leaving. I’ve banned the Happy Birthday song from my life because, really, what the hell are you supposed to do while someone sings to you? You stand there… you look at them… nowadays, you check your phone for text messages… wonder how much longer this is going to drag on… oh, you’re done? Awesome.

      Like

    • Angela says:

      I must admit to being a bit of a sucker for the whole thing of a guy serenading a girl with a romantic song…done right it can be really sweet, I think.

      But yeah, it definitely has to be done for the sincerest of reasons. And talking any problems you’re having with your loved one out is absolutely required as well.

      Like

  26. Megan says:

    I think DJ should have picked Nelson. i like him alot better than that Viper guy. oh descions are the worst.

    Like

  27. Sarah Portland says:

    #1: DJ’s outfit. …what? Just… no. Because no. I’m mostly talking about her date dress, but the polo-collared sweater is not good, either. I think this show took the best, most iconic parts of 90’s fashion, and dressed the cast in it in the worst way possible.
    #2: If you really wanted to show the girl that you’re an awesome, caring guy then don’t hire Frankie Valli to sing to her. Donate that money to the park restoration.
    #3: Writer’s Brainstorm Session: “Okay, we need Joey to comically ruin something of Jesse’s while at the park. Then Jesse can run after him angrily. It should be something related to park clean-up if it’s going to make sense. How about a hammer? It’s something they can use in someway for this clean-up thing. We’ll say it’s a family heirloom hammer, passed down through the generations. That makes way more sense than a quilt or some furniture or some shit.”
    #4: I find that I actually have no fucks to give over who DJ ends up with. Viper’s okay, Nelson is meh, and I don’t even really care about Steve all that much. If she ends up alone, I be fine with that too. In fact, I’d like to see DJ descend into some sort of “Death Becomes Her” situation, with a colony of cats and a cupboard of canned frosting.
    tl;dr: *shrug*

    Like

    • SavaFiend says:

      DJ was totally dressed like a soccer mom in the park with that ugly polo shirt. A soccer mom or an employee of some shitty retail store.

      Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        If I recall correctly, the right way to wear a sweater like that was to leave a few buttons undone at the top. They Amished it up here, and it looks super-conservative on her. Her look keeps getting more and more boring with each episode. By the end of this season, will she be wearing a full-length flour-sack? The kinds of nightgowns that grandmothers wear, with a housecoat to cover it up? A long-sleeve muumuu?

        Like

      • DawnieP says:

        Well let’s not forget who her brother is…Kirk Cameron. We should all be thankful that she’s not dressed like one of Warren Jeff’s wives.

        Like

  28. Frank says:

    By the way Billy, you should have known off the bat that the episode wouldn’t have been about DJ having an abortion. In order to have an abortion, you have to be pregnant and in order to get pregnant you have to…you get the idea. I kid!

    Like

  29. Stacy says:

    Holy crap this review had me laughing like a loon throughout. I howled with laughter about Nelson’s nostrils being big enough to rent out for $3,000 a month.

    I also got a huge nostalgic charge over the boots the twins and Michelle were wearing in the first screencap. I had boots just like those when I was in college (in the mid to latter part of the 90s). Those really were the epitome of 90s footwear!

    I swear, Nelson looked kinda like a butchy version of Kimmie in that get up he wore at the park. For some reason that suit really made him look feminine. Actually, now that I think about it more – he looked like a middle-aged school teacher or something – the hair and the suit combined – not a good look for a teenaged boy AT ALL.

    Finally, that last photo was horrible – that positioning made Joey’s pants really tight across his ass – and disgustingly put way more focus than is EVER necessary on it.

    Like

  30. Full House Recoveree says:

    Lmao, Greek tragedy, that’s the perfect description for Jesse himself.

    Like

  31. JGA says:

    If the Tanners were really that upset about seeing their local park in such a state of disarray, clearly they’ve never once stepped foot anywhere inside the Tenderloin. As Dave Chappelle famously noted, “Nuthin’ tender ’bout that muthafucka at all.”

    Like

  32. Packerchu says:

    The park subplot seems odd for this time period. You’d have the “community involvement” angle if this were a series in the early days of TV and currently the idea would work for Earth Day ratings.

    Like

  33. Pink Dork says:

    Aunt Becky: for shame. You SHOULD have given Deej the old pros/cons list advice. It always worked for Rory Gilmore…

    Viper pros:
    Those are some fine arms. Damn girl!

    Viper cons:
    Ladder jeans
    Brillo mullet
    Fake tattoo

    Nelson pros:
    Hella rich!
    Rentable nostrils

    Nelson cons:
    Rentable nostrils
    Mullet
    Mock t-neck

    Hmm… Looks like Nelson wins by a nose!

    Like

    • Stacy says:

      I literally just laughed out loud at Nelson’s “rentable nostrils” being both on the pros and cons list. And him winning by a “nose” – HA! Most excellent pun, dude. (Sorry, just channeled some Bill & Ted there for some reason.)

      Like

    • Angela says:

      LOL at “Brillo mullet” :D.

      Yeah, I might go with Nelson, too, if I had to pick between the two.

      Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      I dunno. I feel like Nelson is boring, no matter how rentable the schnoz. DJ has already established herself as the boring half of most couples.

      Like

  34. Vamking12 says:

    D.J getting a abortion. Wouldn’t that require her to sex.

    Like

    • LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

      Joey and Hermsey can make a magic slingshot in the backyard and use it to fling a rock at a flying stork.

      It’s not like they’re doing anything worthwhile in the world.

      Like

  35. Christian says:

    Man, how shitty and poor are the Ketchupolis-Cockring-Stamos family that their only family antique is a stupid ass hammer. Seriously, what the fuck? Also, why does Jesse even give a shit? It’s not like he’s ever done real men’s work in his entire life. Those hands are probably smoother than Becky’s tight firm ass.

    Like

  36. Ashley says:

    I was still recovering from laughing so hard at the last Christmas-episode review, and then this one was like a 1-2 punch. TKO’d from cracking the fuck up so much.

    I remember DJ’s story line in this episode seemed to be a common theme in a lot of shows or movies- where the lead female was trying to decide between two men vying for her affections. They almost always chose neither guy and instead opted to stay single. It was like a “Girl Power!” move before the Spice Girls came around and slapped their name on it. Oh, the 90’s.

    Truthfully, I would have rather seen DJ enlist Stephanie’s help in giving Viper and Nelson a “Judgment of Solomon” resolution. “Since I can’t choose either one of you, my sister is going to cut me in half so you can each have a part of me.” Whichever guy said no was the guy to pick- although, let’s be real- Viper and Nelson both would have been fine with it.

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      Horizontally, or vertically? Because if Steph cuts horizontally, somebody gets the T, and somebody gets the A. But a vertical cut means that while they both get a bit of T, nobody really gets the A. The A has to be a full package.
      Also, I’d like to apologize for employing logic to the situation of slicing people in half for sharing purposes.

      Like

  37. SavaFiend says:

    I just have to point out… In order for Jesse to have stapled Joey to the fence like that – imagine how close up on Joey he’d have to get to do it. I mean, how did he restrain Joey and staple his tight-ass clothes to the fence at the same time? Oh man, there’s a visual I didn’t need!

    Like

  38. TayciBear says:

    I actually thought Joey was humping to fence at first.

    Like

  39. Jake says:

    Not to be critical but street “fare” should be fair,also since there are only 12 episodes left to review,what do you plan on reviewing next if anything at all?

    Like

    • Billy Superstar says:

      oh hey you’re right. ok i fixed it.

      once fhr is over i’m gonna focus more on my career! but i’ll also do some more waste of time shit like this. i’m gonna take at least a short break and then i’m doing a saved by the bell podcast with a few other people. there’ll be more announcements about it as this blog wraps up, including links to the site where we’ll be hosting it. thanks for asking!

      Like

    • Oh Mylanta says:

      Can’t say I’m surprised. Damn, he grew up good!

      Like

      • Grant Spatchcock says:

        I couldn’t believe me eyes. I was reading the story and thought “Hmm, that kid looks familiar”. I haven’t watched The Little Rascals. Then it hit me – Derek grew up to be a gogo dancer. With some luck, Michelle is working in the straight club next door.

        Like

  40. KimDragin says:

    OMG I just saw the news story about Derek being a go-go dancer also and raced to tell everyone, and 2 people already posted it!! Thats why I LOVE you guys!!

    Like

  41. Nelson's Biscuit-Sized Nostrils says:

    You’re not wrong about me.

    Like

  42. Courtney says:

    Nelson played Rich , JT’s friend and eventually Dana’s BF on step by step!

    And I agree w/ the other posts about the work boots Michelle and the twins had on. Had a pair when I was a kid and LOVED them! So 90’s!

    Like

  43. Gibbler! says:

    I just discovered your blog and am watching this Full House episode as I type!! Love your blog, excellent and hysterical. Always been a Full House fan, and love re-living the lame moments as an adult.

    My favorite comment from your blog above? “But really I bet that they just devised this whole scenario as an excuse to run off and not help with cleaning the park. Those guys are a couple of real lazy fucks.” Sooooo true. Can’t wait to read more, thanks for this!!

    Like

  44. LORIMAR-Telepictures says:

    Despite the ridiculous premise of two dorky guys with mullets fighting over a spoiled girl (whom I would’ve washed my hands clean of her as a father), the concept of two guys fighting over a chick is pretty lousy. Actually anyone fighting over the love of one person sucks no matter what.

    Back in college, I had two female roommates fighting over me. It sucks because I didn’t ask for it. It put me in an uncomfortable position a) because I had transferred from a college of 200 kids where it was one PTSD moment after another, to a school of 7,000 kids, and b) I didn’t ask for this type of attention from two females who were roommates and best friends. Puts me in a shitty position.

    Like

  45. Verticalman says:

    Flustered, DJ tells them that she’s been agonizing over this decision but, “it’s not like picking out a pair of shoes. I want to make the right choice.” Wait…but… don’t you want to make the right choice when you pick out a pair of shoes? .

    I found this hilarious as a semi-serious line has rarely been analyzed this way in these reviews.

    Like

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