Season 8, Episode 23, “Michelle Rides Again Part 1”

Pre-Credits Gag:  DJ doesn’t have a date to the prom so Kimmie Gibbler decides to make it her mission to find her one.

Danny sits on the sidelines during Michelle’s horse riding practice.  I wonder if that’s DJ’s horse from one of the earlier Seasons?  I can totally see Michelle deciding to claim it for herself one day with no resistance from anyone.  The weird thing about this scene is that it’s about 30 seconds long and doesn’t contain any information that isn’t immediately conveyed through dialogue in the next scene, when Michelle and Danny come back to the full house and discuss her horseback riding lesson.  I guess that since they use this location later in the episode they wanted to get their moneys worth out of it or something.

Back at the full house, Michelle and Danny discuss Michelle’s riding lesson with Becky and then Stephanie comes in and tells everyone that she’s been rehearsing a scene from Romeo and Juliet.  Even though nobody has given a shit about anything that Stephanie has said or done since like the second Season, the family humor her as she complains about how her scene partner always cuts it short when they’re supposed to practice the kissing scene.  Michelle, always eager to jump at any opportunity to make some cutty, asshole remark, says that Stephanie’s partner wont kiss her because she has hella dry ass lips.  Becky attempts to reassure Stephanie but then she stops when she gets near her and is like, “damn, you do have some dry ass lips,” so Stephanie runs off to get some chap stick.  You have to assume that the storyline ends there, right?  Stephanie has dry lips and then she puts on some chap stick.  Where else is there for this to go?

Jesse and Joey come home and tell Becky that they’re auditioning for their own late night tv show.  I guess that since they’ve both managed to stumble onto several show business jobs already without any talent or work ethic, they might as well go after this next opportunity, too.  Their plan is to host a show where they go and interview people with unusual jobs and their first subject is a team of wrestlers.  Becky wonders if Jesse isn’t over-committing himself, as he’s already got 2 careers that he’s terrible at, plus he’s a terrible husband and father, but Jesse assure her that he’ll still be able to maintain the low standard that he’s provided for so many years.

Kimmie Gibbler brings over the first crop of potential prom dates for DJ and they’re all a bunch of sorry ass nerds.

DJ asks Kimmie Gibbler why she has such a low opinion of her as to bring over an unworthy gathering of pathetic nerds but Kimmie Gibbler tells her that this is all she could scrape together since DJ is so notorious for not putting out.  DJ tells Kimmie Gibbler to round up the nerds and fuck off.

Down at the horse stables, Michelle makes friends with another young horse rider named Elizabeth.  Elizabeth tells her about the upcoming jumping competition, which Michelle decides that she’d like to be a part of.  Danny shows up and is dissed by Elizabeth’s mom, who mistakes Danny for stable help as a way of showing us how bourgeois and unlikeable she is.  Michelle tells Danny that she wants to enter the jumping competition but he’s not into it because he’d have to buy her a bunch of expensive riding equipment.  I think that might be the first time ever that expense was a prohibitive factor for anyone on this show.  Usually they all seem to have magical unlimited money all the time.  Anyway, Danny changes his mind when Elizabeth’s mom starts talking hella shit about how her kid’s gonna win the competition, at which point he makes pitting his own kid against hers his top priority.

As Stephanie reads over her lines and applies chap stick, Danny comes in with a new saddle that he’s bought for Michelle.  Stephanie asks what it’s for and Danny ushers Michelle in, who was apparently waiting outside until Danny prompted her to come in and model her new riding outfit.  The audience get really excited over Michelle’s gear for some reason, probably because they don’t get out much.

Michelle expresses her concern about not winning the competition, which is successfully conveyed by her outstretched arms with palms facing upward, but Danny tells her that he doesn’t care if she wins as long as she beats Elizabeth.  But isn’t Elizabeth the kid who always wins?  So really what he’s telling her is that winning isn’t everything, but she has to do better than the best kid.  Well, ok.

Stephanie’s acting partner comes over to rehearse and Michelle refuses to leave the room while they practice their scene.  They get to the kiss and Stephanie’s partner hesitates, at which point Michelle starts making a bunch of shitty remarks about how dry Stephanie’s lips are.

Stephanie chases Michelle around, who continues to mock her, and then Stephanie’s scene partner rushes out of the house.  Man, he was only there for like a minute and a half.  I guess that’s about as much time as I’d be able to stand it in that house, too.  Stephanie’s like, “I can’t believe you’d be such a fucking asshole,” and storms out of the room but Michelle is totally without remorse.  All she says is, “I guess dry lips make people cranky,” which is an amazing way of deflecting any responsibility for totally humiliating her sister.

Michelle approaches Jesse to discuss her concerns about her upcoming jumping competition.  He tells her that he’s hella busy with all of his responsibilities because he’s actually taking them seriously for the first time in his life so he doesn’t really have time to listen to her stupid trivial problems, plus he can’t make it to her competition.  He tells her that she’ll do fine and then shoos her away before Joey approaches him to practice wrestling moves for their upcoming tv audition.

You know, as this series has approached the finale, I’ve felt nothing but relief.  I can’t say I’ll miss watching this terrible garbage one bit.  That’s why I was so caught off guard by the wave of emotion that overtook me as I watched Joey and Jesse wrestle during this scene.  It suddenly occurred to me that this might be the last overtly homosexual exchange that occurs between these two worthless assholes.  As I watched them writhe around on the floor together, moaning and grunting, I thought back to all the times that I’ve watched them grope and manhandle one another, and I felt like a whole chapter of my life was coming to a close.  Here’s to you, overtly gay uncles.  I like to think that you’re both still out there somewhere, coming up with feeble excuses to press your bodies together so the rest of the family can still pretend that they don’t know that you’re totally doin’ it.

Michelle and Elizabeth wish each other luck before the race, exemplifying their good sportsmanship.  Danny and Elizabeth’s mom come in and start prompting the girls to beat each other, exemplifying their poor sportsmanship, and the girls are clearly perturbed.  Their parents walk off towards the matte painting in the background and then the girls lament how much riding sucks dick now that their parents are being all shitty and putting so much pressure on them to win.  They decide to skip the contest and go riding on their own, which no one stops them from doing for some reason.

The family all sit by the sidelines waiting for the show to start and the twins tell Becky that they want a horse but it really sound like they say “whores.” This makes the exchange that follows pretty interesting.  They say, “momma, we wanna whores,” and then Becky says, “ok, I’ll get you one when you’re older.”  They ask, “how old,” and she says, “old enough to carry a shovel,” because I guess that Nicky and Alex’s future whores are doomed to the same fate that all of the mysteriously disappeared love interests that have entered the full house have fallen victim to.

As the competition begins, Danny notices that his hideous demon of a daughter isn’t there and so he and Joey rush off to find out why.  As they search for her, they run into Jesse, who’s like, “I decided to come because I remembered that Michelle is more important than my job and responsibilities.  Also, it’s convenient, story-wise.”  They ask some weird ranch hand if he saw where Michelle went and he directs them to the trail she went to but they never ask him why he let two little girls ride off unsupervised like that.  The ranch hand shows even more negligence as he sits idly by as all of the dads appropriate some horses so they can go after her.  Is this guy supposed to work there?  What’s his story?

As Elizabeth and Michelle whimsically stride through the countryside on their beautiful horses, Elizabeth decides to jump over a log and does it with minimal effort because it’s just a tiny ass log.  She urges Michelle to follow suit but then Michelle fucks it up and falls off her horse when she tries to make the jump.

YES!  Take that, you evil piece of shit!  I honestly hope that you die!  I am no more ashamed for wanting this than I am for being able to say that it’s justified by having watched and reviewed over 190 episodes of this terrible garbage.

It seems like it would make more sense for Michelle to have gotten hurt in the jumping competition, which she clearly couldn’t be more unqualified for, than during her scenic horseback riding tour.  Given how desperate this show is to teach us a heavy-handed lesson, you’d think that point would be that Danny shouldn’t have pressured her to compete in the competition just so he could show up some shitty mom, and the music could come on as he realized that Michelle’s safety was more important than winning, or some such bullshit.  But this is pretty much just a freak accident.  I guess maybe the lesson is not to go off horseback riding unsupervised?

The dads all show up and crowd around Michelle’s unconscious body as sad music plays and then the words “To Be Continued…” appear.  It’s too bad that this show didn’t get cancelled on a cliff-hanger Season finale, like ALF, or Soap, because if the series ended at this moment it kind of would have all been worth it.  But I guess there is a lot to resolve here.  Will the Uncles get yet another undeserved job in show business?  Who will DJ go to the prom with?  Is Stephanie gonna kiss that kid in that scene?  I know that none of the real questions will be addressed, like what the fuck is wrong with all of these people and why do they all still live in that cramped ass house. but maybe they’ll at least wrap up these dumb story lines.  But the real question is, “is Michelle dead?”  Man, that would just be the best.  What a great ending that would make.  Like she finally dies and then whatever evil hypnotism she’s been using would wear off and all these people could start living normal lives where they learn to wait their turn and stop getting in people’s faces all the time.  But even if their lives weren’t magically fixed, I’d settle for her just being dead.  Seriously, I’d take back every shitty thing I ever said about this show if it would just do me this one solid.  Oh please oh please oh please…

FHR Wrap Party Update:  I hope to see a whole bunch of you guys at the Waypost in Portland, Oregon on Friday, January 24th at 9 PM for the final celebration of this project coming to a close.  I’ll make a Facebook event page for it and link to it next week.  For those of you who are curious about how the San Francisco party went, some super rad fans filmed the whole thing and I’ll be posting videos here soonish.  I’m planning on posting a lot of extra content during the final week of the blog so it’ll most likely go up then.

Like I did at the SF event, I’ll be reading a few posts from the site and then doing a Q and A.  Does anyone wanna suggest which reviews they’d like me to read?  At the first event I read “DJ’s Very First Horse” and “The Last Dance” (which is totally the best review ever) but I kinda think I should pick 2 different ones for this next one.  What do you guys think?

I hope to meet a lot of you then!  My big dream is that Teebore will come!  Fingers crossed!

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119 Responses to Season 8, Episode 23, “Michelle Rides Again Part 1”

  1. Angela says:

    *Sigh* Between your stuff about the party in Oregon at the end and (on a totally different note) finding out who all will be at Comic-Con and Coachella, it’s becoming increasingly apparent to me that I need to move out to the west coast post haste. I am very happy to hear there will be video from the San Francisco event, though. Can’t wait to see that-thanks to all who filmed this!

    On to this latest review…okay, for your sanity’s sake, I am very happy that you’ll be free of this show soon. But damnit, then you write gems like this:

    It suddenly occurred to me that this might be the last overtly homosexual exchange that occurs between these two worthless assholes. As I watched them writhe around on the floor together, moaning and grunting, I thought back to all the times that I’ve watched them grope and manhandle one another, and I felt like a whole chapter of my life was coming to a close. Here’s to you, overtly gay uncles. I like to think that you’re both still out there somewhere, coming up with feeble excuses to press your bodies together so the rest of the family can still pretend that they don’t know that you’re totally doin’ it.

    …and it just makes me all the sadder that this is coming to an end! What am I supposed to do on Fridays without stuff like this to read? Actually have something resembling a life?

    Seriously, though, that little rant was awesome. The screencap of Jesse and Joey underneath that paragraph just made it all the better. Granted, I’m not keen on the idea of imagining THESE two particular men hooking up, but hey, you find love where you can, right? I’m not even going to get into the thing about them wanting to do a late night show, ’cause…yeah. I would ask questions, but at this point in the game it’s pretty apparent I won’t get an answer, or at least, I won’t get one that makes any sort of sense.

    The “whore” bit with the twins was also hilarious, especially in regards to the bit about the shovel. That house definitely has a “Tell-Tale Heart” sort of thing going on.

    Mostly, though, I’m just loving the rejoicing you did at the end of this review. We’ve been saying for eons this episode would be a big deal one! If that’s how you react to the end of this episode, I can only imagine how you’ll be next week.

    Like

    • Yolanda says:

      I agree with everything Angela said! I’m so sad this site is coming to a close but this review was amazing and that paragraph about Joey and Jesse was one of the best Billy’s written, I was almost crying! And the ‘whores’ part too, just a great review, as always.

      Feeling so bittersweet about next week, I’m happy for Billy but sad it’s the last one, can’t wait to see all the lovely posts next week. 🙂

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Yolanda, I will miss you and Angela! Who am I going to tell about how school is going? As for both Jesse and Joey being gay, yeah, I can see that happening! I was surprised when Meredith Baxter came out of the closet because she was married twice to men each time. Billy forgot to mention the Casey Kasam/Howard Stern joke. Jesse asked Rebecca what 2 djs are going to have their own late night show. She said Casey Kasam and Howard Stern. He mentioned Nicky and Alex’s father as a hint and she said, “Howard Stern.”. If I was Howard Stern, I would be honored that a fox like Rebecca would want to hook up with me! I do think Season 9 or 10 would lead up to Rebecca’s confession that Howard Stern is the father of Nicky and Alex! Rebecca, put those twins in speech therapy STAT! One more week of this, oh God!

        Like

      • Angela says:

        I totally forgot about that Howard Stern thing. Oh, god, now I have even more scary images in my head…

        Like

      • Ruby Lee says:

        The gay uncle chapter isn’t closed yet. If you’ll notice, Joey’s hand was on Jesse’s knee as they gathered around Michelle in the last screencap. When opportunity presents itself, Joey’s always ready to meet it halfway!

        Like

  2. Alison says:

    I can’t believe they passed up using the classic sitcom story line where they makeover a nerd into some stud. They’ve used every other classic bit under the sun, including the one where nerds dress like the ones in the screencap. I’ve known a lot of nerdy people, but they’ve never dressed like that. Where does that even come from?? Oh and they also passed up the classic sitcom bit where the pretty girl gives a nerd a chance and finds out he’s actually really cool. But then DJ couldn’t be a stuck up full house snob anymore, so I guess that’s out.

    Like

  3. Oh Mylanta says:

    Ahhh, the finale! What am I gonna do with myself on Friday mornings when this is all over? Not only will I miss Mr. Superstar’s comedy gold (the paragraph about Jesse and Joey’s homoeroticism and the shovel thing with the twins made me damn near piss myself) , but I’ll also miss the little community here in the comments section.

    It’s only been a week and Stephanie’s already moved on to a new guy (granted, this kid looks almost exactly like the guy from the last episode, but still). That’s what, four or five romantic interests for Stephanie this season alone? I think the writers are implying that she’s going to grow up to be the polar opposite of her older sister and become a village bicycle.

    Michelle’s horse is named Pepper Mill, which is pretty gross if you’ve heard Bob Saget’s anecdote from his appearance on… Conan, I do believe, about the donkey episode. The donkey got frequent boners on set, and he remarked that it looked like a pepper mill…

    Like

  4. Mattside says:

    YES! Take that, you evil piece of shit!

    This made me LOL in public! Even though I halfway expected this sort of response to the fall, I still got caught off-guard.

    Well done, Billy… You are truly a savant of snark.

    Like

  5. Sara Wilson says:

    I have SO many favorite reviews but I think I’d love for you for read the one where Stephanie gets glasses. That review was funny enough even before the Urkel stuff, which made it even better.
    As I said, I’ve had so many favorites but they all kinda blend together into a mushy pile of greatness after a while.

    Like

  6. Maria says:

    Read the Papouli episode! And the one where Stephanie dates Brett and almost throws the baseball game.

    Like

  7. Pink Dork says:

    First – where IS teebore? His comments were the best and a major part of why I stop by every Friday. Don’t worry Billy, you’re the prettiest and I’ve always loved you the most. Also: all you other regular commentatortots. Love you all!

    On to second: the fuck is up with this Hunter/Jumper storyline? No trainer on the planet would let that inexperienced ugly little orangutan enter a show no matter how much $$$ her worthless asshole father spent on gear. Because it’s fucking dangerous!

    Like

    • teebore says:

      Aw, thanks! No worries, I’m still here (“here” being the weird non-place that is the internet, at least), I just fell behind a bit around Christmas junk. But I’ve caught up and commented on all the posts I missed.

      Like

  8. Since this is almost over and there’s no other place on the internet where this is worth sharing, I’ll say that when I was in college I met a guy who was telling us about the fake ID he had made a few years earlier. The ID didn’t work. The name on it was John Stamos, and when he tried to buy beer the cashier handed it back to him and said, “Nice try, Uncle Jesse.”

    Cool. Story. Me.

    Anyway you should read the one where Joey’s father comes to his comedy show.

    And I’m hoping I can make it to Portland!

    Like

  9. “You know, as this series has approached the finale, I’ve felt nothing but relief. I can’t say I’ll miss watching this terrible garbage one bit. That’s why I was so caught off guard by the wave of emotion that overtook me as I watched Joey and Jesse wrestle during this scene. It suddenly occurred to me that this might be the last overtly homosexual exchange that occurs between these two worthless assholes. As I watched them writhe around on the floor together, moaning and grunting, I thought back to all the times that I’ve watched them grope and manhandle one another, and I felt like a whole chapter of my life was coming to a close. Here’s to you, overtly gay uncles. I like to think that you’re both still out there somewhere, coming up with feeble excuses to press your bodies together so the rest of the family can still pretend that they don’t know that you’re totally doin’ it.”

    You brought a tear to my eye, Billy.

    “They say, “momma, we wanna whores,” and then Becky says, “ok, I’ll get you one when you’re older.” They ask, “how old,” and she says, “old enough to carry a shovel,” because I guess that Nicky and Alex’s future whores are doomed to the same fate that all of the mysteriously disappeared love interests that have entered the full house have fallen victim to.”

    Gold. Pure gold.

    Billy, you are an inspiration. The real McCoy. You know how deeply you’ve inspired me. Or at least I hope you do.

    For all those that are sad that Full House Reviewed is coming to a close, remember that Billy has inspired a landslide of weekly review blogs:
    He-Man Reviewed
    Family Matters Reviewed
    Golden Girls Reviewed
    Frasier Denied
    Small Wonder Reviewed
    Saved by the Bell Reviewed

    There are porbably more that I’m not aware of. You have done the interwebs quite a service, Mr. Superstar.

    I wish I was able to make it to your wrap parties, but I just live too far away.

    Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      Also, Philip J Reed’s ALF review (posts on Thursday) and my Star Trek: TOS blog (posts on Monday).

      Like

    • Jennie says:

      Thank you for the info, I have checked out some of the other blogs. Will start reading them regularly, I love the snark!

      Like

    • Angela says:

      Frasier Denied? Oh, man, I gotta read that one. “Frasier” is one of my all-time favorite TV shows.

      Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        The thing I love about that Frasier blog is that the writer keeps track of how often Frasier and Niles display behavior that should land them in a shrink’s office themselves! 😀

        Like

      • Angela says:

        Haha, that’s fantastic! Indeed, that was quite the running joke throughout the series, so I imagine that list would grow to be quite long.

        Like

    • Casey says:

      There’s a Frasier blog?? I did not know this. Thanks, Santanaonfire! (1. for bringing it to my attention and 2. for completely destroying the productive Sunday I had planned 🙂

      Like

    • Billy Superstar says:

      at least half of those blogs have stopped updating. when i was first starting to really get traffic on this site i started getting messages from people who were starting review blogs of their own who wanted me to blogroll them and i always agreed. almost every one of them would quit within a week or two and i ended up with all these dead links on my blogroll. eventually i started a policy where someone would have to have at least 6 posts done before i’d promote them but usually what that lead to was people writing 6 posts, sending them to me, me blogrolling their site and then them quitting within the next few weeks. i have to say that i was always really annoyed by that. kudos to all y’all who kept their shit going. he-man reviewed is definitely the most dedicated review site that i know of. two big tumbs down to all them suckas who wasted my time with their short-lived review blogs.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Those sites made me sad. Some of them were really funny, and they just got… dropped. I know what a pain in the ass they are sometimes (especially when you’re approaching an episode that you already know that you hate), but you end up letting your audience down when you drop a project like that. :/

        Like

      • Please don’t give up on Frasier Denied! I’m still in the game. There were some gaps wider than the black eye you would give Joey Blackstone because I had 3 country music song’s worth of shit shat on my lap this winter, but I’m still subjecting myself to the punishment of watching the show and posting series counts in ten categories for each episode! Please stop in and stay with me. Thanks!

        Like

  10. LisaLu says:

    You know, as this series has approached the finale, I’ve felt nothing but relief. I can’t say I’ll miss watching this terrible garbage one bit. That’s why I was so caught off guard by the wave of emotion that overtook me as I watched Joey and Jesse wrestle during this scene. It suddenly occurred to me that this might be the last overtly homosexual exchange that occurs between these two worthless assholes. As I watched them writhe around on the floor together, moaning and grunting, I thought back to all the times that I’ve watched them grope and manhandle one another, and I felt like a whole chapter of my life was coming to a close. Here’s to you, overtly gay uncles. I like to think that you’re both still out there somewhere, coming up with feeble excuses to press your bodies together so the rest of the family can still pretend that they don’t know that you’re totally doin’ it.

    The family all sit by the sidelines waiting for the show to start and the twins tell Becky that they want a horse but it really sound like they say “whores.” This makes the exchange that follows pretty interesting. They say, “momma, we wanna whores,” and then Becky says, “ok, I’ll get you one when you’re older.” They ask, “how old,” and she says, “old enough to carry a shovel,” because I guess that Nicky and Alex’s future whores are doomed to the same fate that all of the mysteriously disappeared love interests that have entered the full house have fallen victim to.

    YES! Take that, you evil piece of shit! I honestly hope that you die! I am no more ashamed for wanting this than I am for being able to say that it’s justified by having watched and reviewed over 190 episodes of this terrible garbage.

    That made my morning. I have been following this blog since last year and I have no idea what I will look forward to on Fridays now that this will be done.

    Like

  11. teebore says:

    Wow, I had no idea this show ended on a two-parter. How bizarre (for a show like this).

    Kimmie Gibbler brings over the first crop of potential prom dates for DJ and they’re all a bunch of sorry ass nerds.

    And of course, they’re the stereotypical, over-the-top nerds that so many sitcoms trafficked in around this time (SBtB, I’m looking at you…).

    Danny shows up and is dissed by Elizabeth’s mom, who mistakes Danny for stable help as a way of showing us how bourgeois and unlikeable she is.

    Someone doesn’t watch Wake Up, San Fransisco. Though that probably makes sense. Nothing we’ve seen of that show suggests anyone with class would be watching it…

    at which point Michelle starts making a bunch of shitty remarks about how dry Stephanie’s lips are

    I have no recollection of where this plotline (if you can call it that) is heading, but let’s be clear on one thing: speaking as a heterosexual male, dry lips is not enough to stop a teenage boy from kissing a girl he likes (and even some he doesn’t). Given the opportunity to kiss a girl, I don’t think the condition of her lips even enters into the equation.

    So, if this dude is avoiding Stephanie, it’s because he doesn’t like her (for whatever reason).

    They decide to skip the contest and go riding on their own, which no one stops them from doing for some reason.

    Bart and Todd Flanders at the minigolf tournament, this is not.

    Is this guy supposed to work there? What’s his story?

    Serial killer. Just coincidentally happens to dress like a ranch hand.

    YES! Take that, you evil piece of shit!

    Okay, so “Michelle falling off a horse” greater than or less than “Michelle falling off her bike”?

    My big dream is that Teebore will come!

    Aw, I wish I could, but I don’t think I’ll be able to swing it. We’ll see.

    Like

    • Penny says:

      Actually, the final episode, if I recall correctly, was an hour long. But as with many shows when they’re rerun or put into syndication, they turned it into a 2-parter.

      I was watching an episode of The Wonder Years the other day, and Duane is in it playing the older brother’s best friend. I was amazed he actually can say more than “whatever”!

      Like

    • PinkDork says:

      Yay! Teebore’s “here”! Welcome back.

      Now seriously, swing it to Portland.

      Like

  12. Alicia says:

    Oh man, I’m so sad that we’re so close to the end (but happy for you to not have to watch it anymore)! The next episode is a doozy; you’re gonna hate it, but I can’t wait to see what you have to say about it! I know Mary Kate is really into horseback riding, so I wonder if the twins made this episode happen. I feel like they were a lot like Michelle around set!

    Like

  13. Michelle's acting coach says:

    Yes, Stephanie, it’s your dry lips. It has nothing to do with your father roaming the halls of your school with a box of spam, regaling your peers with stories of your desperate and failed plights for companionship.

    Like

  14. Jamie says:

    Read “Pal Joey”! That was the first review I ever read and I’ll never forget it. I’m pretty sure it’s the first time you really talk about how homoerotic they all act together, and also it has the bit with the cool black dude shaking his head in shame at how lame little Danny and Joey were.

    This review was gold, the whole thing about the twins saying “whores” makes me actually wanna watch this episode just to see that. Also, why would Becky say “old enough to use a shovel”?! How weird is that? Is that even a saying? I could see maybe, “old enough to drive” or something. But hold a shovel? Strange.

    I’m so sad this review is coming to an end, I wish I discovered it sooner but better late than never, right? You izzz truly a superstar, Billy!

    Happy Friday, everybody ^.^

    Like

  15. Smash says:

    That part about how the uncles homoerotic wrestling and your reflections on the time spent watching them do this again and again and again was pure brilliance. You are so hilarious and awesome, I’m going to be sad when this is all over. But happy for you that you don’t have to suffer this bullshit any more. Whatever you go on to do, I hope you continue to write, you really should keep that going.

    Like

  16. morgan says:

    Yo is one of those nerds Seth Green of IT/Robot Chicken fame?

    Like

  17. Sarah Portland says:

    Sonuvabitch.
    Between Sherlock, my kitten dying, and that paragraph of the Jesse/Joey slash ship, this week has decided to destroy my feels completely.

    That being said, I wish they’d off Michelle like Bonnie in Gone With The Wind. They could at least do us that courtesy.

    Like

    • PinkDork says:

      Noooo, Sarah P! I’m so sorry about your baby kitteh.

      Hang in there, hunny. My kitteh boyz are both lovahs and will offer up any snuzzles you might need whenever you need them.

      Sending warm healing thoughts your way.

      Also: Sherlock. Every time I see Benny on the intertubes I get a little pregnant. Be careful.

      Like

    • Angela says:

      I too am very sorry to hear about your kitten :(. My condolences.

      Like

    • Sarah Portland says:

      Thanks, friends 😦 I do miss my little Rockety, but I guess you can’t always predict when a kitty will have heart issues 😦

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Sorry about your kitty! Is Bratty still around and obnoxious? I saw “The Middle” and Brick was seeing a therapist who was a weird cat man. He heard the 2 cats fighting and he told them to solve their own fight. Morris our former cat who died used to peak through our neighbors’ windows like a Peeping Tom cat ,

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Bratty is still around and being obnoxious, yes 🙂 Actually, the kits were the only cats in the house who didn’t treat him like prey :/ Curie the White Menace scraped the hair off the back of one of his ears a few weeks ago, and it’s taking a long time to heal, which makes me nervous because years, ago, she attacked the same ear on her companion Moe, and he ended up with cauliflower ear. Roomie suggests that she is jumping everyone into her gang and marking them as her own by deforming their ears 😛

        Like

      • Bridget says:

        She probably wants her own gang! We all love our pets so much, we kiss their hairy little butts!

        Like

    • Casey says:

      Oh man. Sorry to hear about your kitten, Sarah 😦

      Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Thanks, Casey. I don’t like to broadcast information like that everywhere, but somehow this place became a safe haven for readers, and I felt okay telling my FHR family. It’s kind of funny-weird, though:
        “Jesse and Joey should just give into their bro-lust for one another and make out on camera. Also, I had a bad week and need a virtual hug.”
        Heh 🙂

        Like

  18. Valyazhnaya says:

    If I could hear only one review read aloud by Mr. Superstar himself, it would have to be “The Play’s the Thing” due to its brilliant description of Derek. Please, please, please read that one.

    Like

  19. Christian says:

    That scene where they show off Michelle in her new outfit just so the audience can applaud for her, ugh. It’s like the producers and the fans are just as much under the evil powers of the Olsens as the Tanners were under Michelle’s. Cuz you know they never would have pulled that kind of stupid-ass shit for DJ and Stephanie back in the day. Can you imagine?

    Danny: Hey everyone, DJ’s got a new hair scrunchy!
    (Audience goes nuts)

    Aww, I can’t believe these reviews are coming to an end. I knew it was coming and yet I didn’t prepare myself for it. I’m not ready to let go. It’s like Matt Smith all over again.

    Like

  20. RachWho? says:

    In that picture where the dads are talking to the weird ranch hand, based on Joey’s expression, I suspect he was saying something like, “Have you seen a little girl, looks just like a really ugly monkey? She probably said some shitty thing to you as she rode past for no reason?”

    Although I cannot come to the wrap party, I think you should read “Jingle Hell”. If for no other reason, it’s the one where you coined the term “asshole Parthenon” which I think is the single funniest thing you’ve written. Given how frequently this blog makes me laugh out loud, that’s saying something.

    Like

    • Bridget says:

      RachWho, he was probably thinking that! I will read the old blogs and I do whenever the episodes are on just to follow along. I wish Jesse would have said to Danny with the first episode, “Your baby’s a pig and she looks like a monkey!”. We would have been spared Jesse’s narcissism!

      Like

  21. Non-Jerk Michelle says:

    I don’t see what’s so bad about the asian nerd lol. Oh man, just my heart aches to think of this blog being over soon. It’s just too brilliant and wonderful and soothes my work blues.

    Even though I too far to make the Portland close-out I’d suggest reading “The Apartment”, “Please Don’t Touch The Dinosaur”, or “The Play’s The Thing”

    All are fantastic. You’re almost there Billy, ONE MORE!

    Like

  22. Grant Spatchcock says:

    Curse the tyranny of distance, and curse Australia for being so far away from the wrap parties!

    I can’t believe next Saturday morning will be the last time I lie in bed and read the review. I may just have to start back at Season 1 Episode 1.

    I spent some time looking for replacements to FHR, and found a couple of beauties – “Let’s make fun of all the clothes from Famous Original Beverly Hills 90210” is hilarious, especially because the writer, Carly, despises Brandon Walsh as much as we all hate Michelle Tanner. And the Alf Reviews at Noiseless Chatter are pretty funny as well. I really loved ALF as a tween, but damn I never realised how pathetic it really was. Completely out of original story ideas after episode 2.

    Thankyou Billy, for 4 years of fun and laughter. I’ll always remember the work you put in.

    Like

    • Philip says:

      Wow, I just noticed this! Sorry for the delay in replying, but thanks for the kind words! I’m glad you’re enjoying the ALF reviews, and I hope you stick around!

      Like

      • Grant Spatchcock says:

        Phillip, I just found the entire ALF catalogue on Youtube, so I’ve now downloaded them and watching them along with your great reviews.

        Like

  23. Vamking12 says:

    Can I have a whore billy?

    Like

  24. Kayla says:

    I really don’t understand the whole bit with Jesse and Joey supposedly being “stuck” together and needing a wrestling book to figure out how to untangle. It’s so crystal clear that all they have to do is let go of their hands. Awful stuff. Anything for the Uncle lovers, I guess.

    Like

  25. Sebastian Villegas says:

    Use the force dude, you can make it.

    Can I suggest this as your theme song at this point? Only because not only would it fit you but could make for a good song at your event party.

    Like

  26. dottie says:

    Will you put all the reviews and photos into a printed book? Please oh please. I want to carry it with me wherever I go, and would totally buy it.

    Like

    • The Twins' Speech Therapist says:

      It would make a good coffee table book too!

      Like

    • Memon says:

      I was thinking that the entire time I was reading this review. I would love to be able to flip to a review when I needed a good laugh.

      Like

    • Billy Superstar says:

      i’ve always wanted this site to be a book when it finished. i sent out a bunch of inquiries to publishers and nothing seems to have panned out so it’s not looking too likely. i think that the copyright issue is a problem, plus books aren’t doing so hot in general and trying to repackage and sell something that you’ve already given away for free on the internet is not a great sales model. i’d love to see this project as a book and i appreciate that you would, too, but my educated guess is that it’s not gonna happen.

      Like

  27. Potato says:

    Here’s something to make you feel better about everything you’ve had to endure. At least slightly better: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbWDtD_K4dw

    Like

  28. Mr Goodpart says:

    A few thoughts on this episode:

    No ~15 year old boy in the history of cumming is going to pass up some sweet ‘tang because of some “dry lips.” (Assuming this goofy ass tool even noticed her lips to begin with while he was busy staring at the tic tacs protruding from her chest).

    Secondly, FUCK YOU MICHELLE. Isn’t it just so perfect that, in the penultimate episode, this unbearable center of ugly attention now has to cuntblock her sister? The kid is a nebbish tool, but highly possible he could have sealed the deal under the right circumstances. God forbid you talk her up a bit to the high school boners that want a piece. But no…let’s highlight some peccadillo like the amount of moisture on your skin because I’m Michelle so deal with it and fuck off. me, me, ME!

    In conclusion, it was great to watch Michelle fall off a horse. I think it’s pretty unrealistic that the horse did not subsequently belt her in the face with its hind legs (resulting in a crushed skull) but a man can only ask for so much….

    This was poetic:
    “YES! Take that, you evil piece of shit! I honestly hope that you die! I am no more ashamed for wanting this than I am for being able to say that it’s justified by having watched and reviewed over 190 episodes of this terrible garbage.”

    One of the best paragraphs of FHR.

    Like

  29. Memon says:

    You have to read the review from one where Michelle graduates from preschool and they sing that song. It’s the worst moment in full house history as was stated. I think you should also read the one where they show Jesse’s music video for forever which was pretty awful. Or maybe the reviews from Jesse and Becky’s wedding, all that stuff about Becky throwing away her sanity and freedom was pretty funny. And how anyone ever let Joey fly a plane still baffles me.

    Like

  30. Kyle C. Haight says:

    I have always believed that for maximum dramatic impact, in the final episode of Full House, Michelle should have died. From a logistical standpoint, it would have brought the show full circle as in the first episode, we learn that the mom has died and it brings everyone together. Aside from freeing everyone in the full house from the evil wretch that is Michelle, her death would have bookended the series with a similar theme.

    But, if the writers failed to be overly creative and logical for the preceding eight seasons, why should we expect miracles in the final hour?

    Liked by 1 person

  31. Ryan says:

    First off, I’d like to say yes, I am an advertisement for penis enlargement pills. 😛 LOL

    Second, I’m bummed the end is almost here. I’m sad I found this blog so late.

    Am I the only one here that thinks the show would be a hundred times better if everyone actually used the dialogue Billy posts? eg: Stephanie’s like, “I can’t believe you’d be such a fucking asshole”

    Like

  32. Nukegrrrl says:

    The folks who post in the comments make this site as tight as Aunt Becky’s Jordache-wrapped buns. Now let’s all gather around for a Tanner Family Hug!

    Like

  33. Nukegrrrl says:

    Suggestions for the reading in Portland:
    “The Apartment” and/or “Under the Influence.”

    Like

  34. Aunt Becky's Breast Buds says:

    First, BS, I suggest reading the Christmas episode with Mickey Rooney (since it inspired you to write the blog) or the one with the airport scene.

    Seems like John Stamos and Lori Laughlin went for it in that kissing scene since they knew it would be their last (at least in front of a big audience). I wonder how many takes they did.

    Like

  35. CathySantone says:

    “When Scissoring Goes Wrong” >> that photo of Joey & Jesse

    This is my favorite blog ever and your writing will definitely be missed. Thanks for putting up with this show for us! Truly, thank you.

    Like

  36. Batty says:

    I love your blog and have been a reader for a long time, though I mostly lurk…sorry about that 😄 Anyway your “YES! Take that, you evil piece of shit!” comment had me in tears! This blog never fails to crack me up.

    Like

  37. Megan says:

    i like when Steph and that boy do kiss on the 2nd part of the show.

    Like

  38. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa says:

    I’ve been waiting for this one. If Full House had gotten cancelled after this episode,it would have gone down in TV history. Too bad for FH. It seems it’s popularity and demand for a reunion are waning off. In 2030,no one’s going to remember this show.

    Like

  39. Ashley says:

    Is there anyway to get that screencap of Michelle toppling off the horse blown up and framed? I want it on my desk at work to remind me to smile when I’m having a tough day.

    “That’s why I was so caught off guard by the wave of emotion that overtook me as I watched Joey and Jesse wrestle during this scene. It suddenly occurred to me that this might be the last overtly homosexual exchange that occurs between these two worthless assholes.”

    It truly is the end of an era. I can’t believe we’re less than a week away from this nightmare of a show being over. I’m going to miss you all- unless we figure out some message board/group to stay in contact. Or unless someone decides to review another terrible sitcom (“Everybody Loves Raymond Reviewed,” anyone?)

    Like

  40. DawnieP says:

    Congrats Billy! One more shitty episode left. I am going to miss reading your reviews every weekend. Unfortunately, I can’t make the wrap up party but I do look forward to seeing plenty of videos and pictures from the event.

    Like

  41. Katherine Vasquez says:

    Love this blog, so glad I found it.

    Check out this video of Dave Coulier discussing how he lost his virginity with John Stamos!!!!

    http://screen.yahoo.com/losing-it-with-john-stamos/losing-john-stamos-dave-coulier-223845269.html

    Like

  42. Orangutan Twin says:

    Almost there, Billy! Just want to say I’ve really enjoyed these reviews. They are, indeed, great for a brain break at a boring desk job. Major props for sticking with this to the end. The Internet is littered with go-nowhere starts to projects, but you committed to this and have seen it through, which is something to be proud of. I mean, the thing you committed to was almost 200 episodes of a terrible 80s/90s sitcom centered around the Anti-Christ Michelle, but still. You’ve done it and you can say you’ve done it.

    Like

  43. Bridget says:

    I will miss going off on my own tangents with everyone about good movies and all! I watched the movie “Behind the Candlelabra” with Michael Douglas as Liberace and I thought he was so good at capturing the man’s characteristics and Rob Lowe was barely recognizable as the plastic surgery obsessed plastic surgeon. Matt Damon was no slouch either in that movie! I remember Danny sewing sparkles on Stephanie’s dance outfit and saying he felt like Liberace’s father! Any of you VC Andrews fans going to watch the remake of “Flowers in the Attic” this week?

    Like

    • Stacy says:

      I felt almost embarrassed by how excited I was when I saw the commercials for Flowers in the Attic! I have it set to Tivo on Saturday.

      Lifetime movies – man they freakin’ suck you in. I’ve watched 3 or 4 of them lately.

      But back to topic, I used to be fairly obsessed with all the VC Andrews books when I was in 8th grade through about early high school. I think I’m still mentally scarred from the original FitA movie.

      Like

      • Bridget says:

        Stacy, I am going to tape it as well! I do hope Ellen Burstyn can give a wonderfully scary performance as the grandmother like Louise Fletcher did! Louise casts a big shadow. I watched Louise Fletcher on an old Academy Awards broadcast where she won the award for her role as Nurse Ratchet. She was gracious, emotional, and she thanked her 2 deaf parents in American Sign Language. As for FiTA, I read all the books in the Dollanganger series, but not the other series of books.

        Like

      • Sarah Portland says:

        Oh, man. I have a friend who marathons Lifetime movies. I tried to convince her to do a review blog of them, but apparently, it already exists.

        Like

  44. Emily says:

    Oh Mylanta! I’ve been so thrown off my routine, I missed all the posts since before Christmas. Thank lanta that I remembered FHR before the final episode got posted. I’m all caught up now, good thing no one was expecting me to be productive at work this morning.

    If you are still picking posts to read at the big party, my favorite has always been S4E22 ‘Stephanie plays the Field’. It’s just classic. Billy, I’m sure you’ll stay a Superstar even when not forced to watch horrible 90’s sitcoms. I hope you will continue comedy writing, after a much needed break. Is there a place where I can find out about future projects? You are one funny dude. Thanks for brightening my Fridays (and the occasional Tuesday)

    Like

  45. Sara Wilson says:

    “The audience get really excited over Michelle’s gear for some reason, probably because they don’t get out much.” – so true! haha!

    Man, tomorrow’s the final blog. I actually told my fiancee about it last night. Yes, it’s a big enough deal to be a discussion. lol! He’s read a few of the reviews in the past with me while we watched along with the show on tv and he was busting out laughing. I will sincerely miss signing on here every Friday morning and reading the new review. I’m not sure what I’m actually supposed to do, lol. Actual work?? I just wanted to say that this blog actually brightened my whole work week, ever since I discovered it.
    THANK YOU Billy Superstar for keeping up with it and following through! You have a great piece of work to be proud of. I’d love any and all updates on the future podcast you’re planning.

    P.S. I already mentioned this in an above comment but PLEASE read “Stephanie gets framed” at the close-out party! That’s my vote!!

    Like

  46. GHP says:

    OH MY GOSH. It’s finally sunk in that tomorrow will be the end of Full House Reviewed, and the end of my life as we know it.
    I feel like you should read “The House Meets The Mouse”, Part Two- it’s the funniest blog I’ve seen yet. Especially the part where you build up to “And then they don’t have sex.” It’s pure gold!
    I’m gonna miss this so much. Thank you for bringing me brief moments of respite from the daily grind! It’s helped me see how awful- not to mention cheap- this show really was/is. Thanks for all of it, Billy- we will miss you!

    Like

    • Sara Wilson says:

      LOL how amazing it that paragraph??
      Steven tells DJ that he missed her so much that, rather than wait a couple days for her to get back, he had to spend thousands of dollars flying across the country and staying in an overpriced hotel…and then they don’t have sex!
      lololol!
      that’s the first review of this blog I ever found. I have fond memories of it!!

      Like

  47. JCC says:

    “You know, as this series has approached the finale, I’ve felt nothing but relief….”

    Great writing here! The show is going out the way it started: totally gay.

    Like

  48. The Clifford Olsen Twins says:

    Th’ fuck, Superstar? How dare you call Psy a sorry ass nerd. If DJ wasn’t so frigid they totally would have gotten together and done it Gangnam style.

    Like

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