Pre-Credits Gag: Last week’s episode is recapped. The most important thing to remember is that Michelle got hurt, and it was awesome.
At the hospital, the dads all gather around Michelle, who, tragically, is not dead. She’s unable to identify Danny and then the doctor takes the dads aside and explains that she’s experiencing memory loss, which, according to him, is very common with head injuries. I guess that’s true if you’re a doctor on tv. He tells them that an injured person’s memory usually returns in these cases and that the best thing to do would be to take her home and surround her with familiar things.
Stephanie’s acting partner comes over to the full house to rehearse their scene from Romeo and Juliet. He talks to her about Michelle for a minute, because everything has to always be about Michelle all the time, and then they agree to rehearse the scene. He immediately starts smoochin’ on her and she’s like, “whaaaaaaaat?” and he explains that Michelle blurting out that Stephanie has a crush on him last episode gave him the courage to kiss her, which he’d been avoiding before because he was too big of a pussy, then they start making out in the kitchen until DJ comes in and interrupts them.
Stephanie’s scene partner tells Dwayne that it’s nice to meet him and he replies, “whatever.” Yes! He said it! I really wasn’t sure if he was going to! Best catch phrase ever! It makes “have mercy” seem like a big piece of shit!
Kimmie Gibbler tells DJ that Dwayne’s cousin has agreed to go to the prom with her but DJ says that, as great is it is to go with her friend’s dipshit boyfriend’s cousin who she’s never met because she can’t find a date, she doesn’t think she’s going to be attending the prom because she’s too worried about Michelle. Kimmie Gibbler says that Dwayne’s cousin is willing to wait on the sidelines so she can change her mind later if she wants. Wow, this guy sounds like a real catch!
Stephanie tells everyone to shut the fuck up and get out because she’s trying to rehearse a Shakespearen scene and then Kimmie Gibbler points out that Dwayne is a Shakespeare enthusiast. Everyone’s like, “for reals?” and then Dwayne launches into a lengthy Shakespearean rendition.
I have to give them credit here. This was actually a halfway decent bit. As well as I can recall, Dwayne was only in 3 or 4 episodes and they got about as much out of that “whatever” schtick as they could, but bringing it to a conclusion like this was actually not bad. It’s not as built up or unexpected as when Darryl and Darryl yelled, “quiet!” in the Newhart finale, but, for Full House, it was a pretty impressive move. File that under moments that actually weren’t that terrible in your Full House scrapbook. I haven’t kept track very well but I’d say there was a total of about 5 of them throughout the entire series.
Michelle comes home from the hospital and everyone is quite concerned about her amnesia. So, is it fair to say that they saved the absolute worst premise for last? I mean, amnesia? Really? Even for this show, that seems pretty far-fetched and ridiculous. But, then again, there was that episode when she knocked over a dinosaur skeleton at the museum, and just a few episodes back there was a whole storyline about her obsession with the size of her feet, so maybe it’s just par for the course by this point. This might be the ultimate writers room “fuck it” of the entire series, but it’s hard to say.
Michelle seems perturbed by the sheer quantity of people who live in the full house and then her sisters decide to show her around the place. They take her to her room, where they clarify who all of the people that live in the house are. Michelle asks how many bathrooms there are in the house and DJ tells her, “Not enough.” It seems like Michelle’s amnesia is a weak attempt for the show to express some self-awareness and provide a little tongue-in-cheek meta-commentary in its final moments. By not remembering anything, Michelle is coming into the full house as a sort of outsider who is seeing everything for the first time, so she’s pointing out how strange certain elements of the show are. This could have actually been a really great way to wrap up the series if the creators had utilized any substantial self-awareness, but Michelle’s observations are pretty tame. She’s not like, “why are you guys such pushy, entitled pieces of shit? And why am I such a despicable asshole? And what the fuck is wrong with Joey? Seriously, why does that guy even live here???” she just makes like light jabs at some of the series’ conventions, like how all of the Mr. Woodchuck jokes are wood puns, or all the hugging that goes on in the full house. Like with so many of Full House’s attempted efforts that don’t quite work, I’m having trouble deciding if it’s better than nothing.
The dads all perform the teddy bear song that they used to sing to Michelle when she was a baby and the audience loses their fucking minds. The performance does nothing to jog Michelle’s memory and then she asks where her moms is at. Gentle music comes on as Danny explains that her mom died horribly in a violent car crash 8 years ago, so her corpse has got to be pretty rotten and chewed up by now, especially since it was already all twisted and broken when they put her in the ground. But that’s not even the fucked up part. Her mom was replaced by her greasy, do-nothing uncle and some stunted weirdo, neither of whom are remotely qualified to take care of her or her sisters. That’s been the basis of her whole life as we know it, and it’s nothing sort of a goddamn tragedy.
Michelle realizes that even if she does get her memory back at the end of this episode, she wont remember her mom, which makes her hella sad. The dads let her know that they’ll tell her anything that she wants to find out about her mom and Michelle asks if she was pretty, which is all that she cares about because of what a shallow, awful person she is. The uncles assure her that, yes, her mom was pretty, and Joey gives this creepy nod that clearly says, “I used to beat off to her all the time. As a matter of fact, I still do.”
Michelle gets all frustrated about having amnesia so she lays in Stephanie’s bed and pouts while the sad music reaches a crescendo. Stephanie almost points out that she’s in the wrong bed but Becky stops her and it’s really unclear whether it’s supposed to be a moment of levity or not.
The twins wake Michelle up and when she asks what they want, one of them says, “dyuyu…benumber yet?” and Michelle tells them that even if she wasn’t suffering from the after-effects of a head injury she still wouldn’t be able to tell what the fuck they were saying.
Stephanie goes over to Michelle and tells her that she feels bad about the argument that they had last episode. She apologizes for getting mad at Michelle for disrespecting her privacy and humiliating her in front of a guy that she likes and tells her that her shitty, invasive behavior was actually beneficial in the end.
As Michelle tries to mind her own business in the kitchen, Jesse calls her over and makes her sit on his lap while he talks about what a special relationship they have. Before he can score some unsettling kisses on the mouth like he usually does, she gets up and walks away, which Jesse finds quite troubling.
Joey takes Jesse aside and tells him that they need to talk about their tv audition because his heart’s just not in it. Jesse agrees and says that, since Michelle’s accident, he’s been really rethinking his priorities. They both concur that family is most important, which is kind of a way of them saying that they’re permanently dedicated to being shiftless do-nothings who mooch off of Danny. That’s pretty much the final word on these guys. This exchange is an assurance that they’ll be living in that house forever, never advancing in any significant way or attempting to move out. There’s even a moment where Jesse says that he’s sure that Joey will have kids of his own one day, which seems to suggest that, should that horrifying event ever occur, Joey will still be livin’ it up in the full house with his unfortunate bride and hideous offspring.
Danny and Becky try to persuade DJ to go the prom at the last minute but she’s hesitant because of Michelle’s condition. Michelle comes in and convinces DJ that she’s not doing anyone any good by missing the prom but then DJ says that it’s probably too late to go, which makes a lot of sense because you have to buy an expensive ticket and a bunch of other pricey shit to go to the prom. It’s not exactly a thing that you decide to attend a few hours ahead of time. Regardless, Becky says that she’s a whiz at speed shopping and whisks DJ off.
Danny sits Michelle down and shows her a photo album to try to help bring her memory back and for a minute it’s almost like a clips show but with still images. Eventually Michelle gets frustrated and is all, “fuck this shit” and then she goes upstairs to rest.
What’s worse than one Olsen twin? Both Olsen twins! As an excuse to get them both onscreen at the same time, one of them appears before the other one as “Michelle’s memory.”
Michelle’s like, “damn, bitch, where you been?” and her memory’s like, “sorry, I cut out for a minute when you fell off that horse. My bad.” Her memory says that they have to hug to rejoin but it would have been way cooler if Michelle had to devour her. Oh well, at least we get to see some really shit overlay effects when they merge.
As DJ comes downstairs to model her prom dress for the family, Danny walks in front of her, taking pictures and saying stuff like, “come on, baby. Come to poppa. Work the camera.” That’s not sardonic paraphrasing, that’s what he says, verbatim. It’s really disturbing.
Michelle comes downstairs and jumps at one last opportunity to all of the attention that someone else is getting by alluding to the fact that her memory has returned. Stephanie is the first one to realize that she’s recovered and picks her up and swings her around out of joy and there’s a really weird moment where Michelle sounds all pissed off while yelling, “put me down!” Why is that in there? Everyone quizzes Michelle to verify that her memory has returned and then when they’re sure that it has, gentle music comes on and everyone rejoices.
Kimmie Gibbler shows up and models her final amazing outfit, a prom dress with alternating lights.
Wow, Steve’s back! And on prom night, too! I guess this show really is going to have a climactic conclusion, because who doesn’t fuck on prom night? Well, at least it will be climactic for Steve, and after about 30 seconds, too. That’s what happens when you make a guy wait 3 years.
Steve asks how Michelle is doing, because even his unexpected return during the final scene of the whole series comes second to whatever’s going on with her, and then the music comes on as acquires about her recently concluded condition. Jesse explains how scary it was for everyone and how worried they were but that they stuck it out and persevered, and then Danny picks her up and says that they’ll always be a corny family of obnoxious assholes that manages to overcome every obstacle in 22 minutes, until the end of muthafuckin’ time.
So what now? Some announcements!
If you’d like to celebrate this achievement, I thought it would be really amazing if everyone would donate $1 (there’s a button up top) as a commencement of this project reaching its conclusion. If you’ve been reading this site for any amount of time and feel as though you got $1’s worth of entertainment out of it, now’s the time to show it. One thing I’ve learned as an internet blogger guy is that people seem to get really bent out of shape if you ask for donations or help with paying for web hosting and stuff, so if you’re one of those people, just don’t give me a dollar. It’s not that big a deal. The project’s done so it’s not like anything will happen if you don’t contribute. But one thing I really feel like I failed at with this project is figuring out how to monetize it, so this is my last little effort to change that. I’m not exactly a starving artist but, truthfully, given how much traffic this site gets, if everyone who reads this post contributed $1 it would have actually make this entire project turn out to be a pretty decent paying gig. Also, feel free to contribute more than $1 to make up for all the people who wont cough one up!
So what’s next? There will be the final FHR wrap-up party at the Waypost in Portland, OR next Friday. RSVP for that shit! It should be a real good time. Next week I’ll post Season 8 Reviewed, and then throughout the following week I’m planning on posting a bunch of bonus content, possibly one thing each day. The Friday after that I’m going to post a final write-up, which is a sort of retrospective look back at this whole thing, and that’ll be the end of it.
I’m gonna miss you guys! But even though this site’s done, I wont be leaving you. Here’s the link to the Tumblr site where we’ll be posting Saved By the Bell Reviewed. It’s going to be a regular podcast by me, the guys at the Gentlemen of Leisure site and Portland cartoonist Carolyn Main. We’re also going to have regular guests, so more on that soon. The details are still coming together but I think it’ll be a weekly thing. It’s not going to start for a while because I really need a break from pop-culture reviews but I’d suggest following the tumblr site now to stay posted. I’d wager that the podcasts will start popping up around March. (P.S. I just spent a shitload of time getting the header done but then Tumblr fucked up and I’m too tired to figure out why. It’ll look presentable soon…)
Oh yeah also someone requested on Facebook that I do a casual AMA on Reddit so here it is. I guess I’ll maintain it throughout the week? I owe Reddit a lot for all the readers I’ve gotten through them! Reddit 4EVA!!!
I’ve always been pretty set on staying anonymous as the author of this site, for several reasons. The main one, I think, is that I thought it was more fun and engaging if the author existed entirely as a reviewer of Full House, with no outside presence or influence. As long as we agree that Full House is a crappy show, there’s not much difference for us to find with one another, and I can be whoever you imagine me to be outside of that. I was also scared of getting trolled, which did happen, but actually much less than I thought it would. But at least people couldn’t really attack me personally, because they didn’t know who they were trolling.
I started this project as a fun thing to do on the side after my career started to work out and I never really planned on trying to use one thing to promote the other. However, years later, I’ve accidentally accumulated an audience on here that completely dwarfs my presence as a working professional guy, so I thought I’d at least give you guys a chance to check out what I do in real life. So here’s my website, if you’re interested. The main thing I’m planning on doing with the spare time that’ll be freed up by not doing these goofy ass reviews every week is posting more content on my tumblr site. You can also follow me on twitter. I don’t really use twitter very much but I probably will if I get a bunch of followers all of a sudden. In my line of work you’re supposed to use social media all the damn time and I’ve totally failed at that over the past few years because I’ve been maxing out all my waste-your-time-on-the-internet hours on this project, but that’s all over now.
And now it’s Thursday night at a little after 1 AM and I’m getting ready to post this entry after proof-reading it one last time, just like I’ve done every week for about 4 years, and I have to admit that I’m feeling kind of emotional. So much has changed in my life during these years but this has project been a constant, and I think I may be only beginning to realize how much it meant to me. Thanks so much to all of your for being there to experience it with me. I can’t think of a stranger way to bring a bunch of people together than shitting on a crappy tv show, but I think that it was actually pretty effective. All of you are a part of my life. Thank you.
The Artist Formerly Known as Billy Superstar