Fuller House Episode 3, “Funner House”

Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler flaunt their sexy outfits as they prepare for a girls night out.  DJ approaches them and even though she’s clearly wearing a shitload of makeup and has her nails did, she is apparently not prepared for a rambunctious ladies night out.

It never really works when people on tv are supposed to look like shit but also look nice for tv at the same time.  DJ says that she wants to just stay in and be a boring ass mom but Stephanie and Kimmie Gibbler aint havin’ it.  Kimmie Gibbler coerces her to come out on the town with them and names their group, “the she-wolf pack,” even though that seems to suggest that they should stay inside all the time and make reenactments of famous movies.

DJ continues to resist the pull to go outside and have a life.  When she points out that the kids don’t have a babysitter, she is told that it’s been taken care of.

That’s right, the world’s most useless asshole is going to be taking care of the kids.  You’d think that DJ would remember her own ruined childhood and refuse to let Joey anywhere near her progeny but I guess she blocked out most of the stuff that she lived through.

DJ says that she’s going to go upstairs to change but Stephanie insists the she changes in their Uber instead.  Oh yeah by the way this scene makes a big point of mentioning Uber, Instagram, selfies and “fleek” because it’s 2016, y’all.  That means that we have to shamelessly namedrop things that became a big deal two years ago.  But, anyway, DJ says she doesn’t wanna change in the car, protesting, “what if Uber sees my boobers?” which is weird because that’s a really forced rhyme and also Uber is not a person.  That’s like saying, “what if Checker Cab sees my nutsack?”  Joey responds to DJ’s concerns by saying, “then you wont have to give him a tip” because it’s not already unsettling enough already to think about the kids being left alone with him so he had to go and say some fucked up shit like that.

The parents say goodbye to the kids but they’re all just on their iphones and stuff because Uber Instagram fleek Facebook.com.  The parents leave and Joey discovers that the kids all went to hide in their rooms, probably because they didn’t want to look at his stupid face for one more second.  Did I mention that Joey appears to be wearing Heelys?  Boy do I wish he was dead.  He approaches the baby, who is physically incapable of escaping his presence, and starts doing some impression at him.  I really can’t tell who it’s supposed to be. Ralph Kramden?  That’s my best guess.

The ladies arrive at a club called Euphoria, which isn’t the worst set I’ve ever seen.  The audience are all like, “aaaaaaaaoowwwwww!” when DJ appears in her sexy goin’ out dress, and it’s a lot more understandable than when they hooted when Joey showed up.  Wouldn’t it be great if the audience all just started booing when Joey showed up, and then he left?  That woulda been just the best.

It turns out that Kimmie Gibbler is well known at this club, so the ladies get this special V.I.P. section with roped-off couches to have conveniently staged moments in.  Kimmie Gibbler explains that she used to hang out at this club all the time with her estranged husband and then Stephanie offers to get everyone tequila shots.  And then everyone agrees to drink tequila!  It’s not even made out to be a big deal or anything!  I am almost totally positive that this is the first time anyone has ever drank alcohol on any sort of Full House thing, except for that one time that DJ’s boyfriend drank a beer, which only occurred for the purpose of showing us how bad drinking a beer is.  Now drinking booze is just being casually presented as something that adults do when they go out.  I am willing to call that progress.  It’s like they almost sort of live in some kind of reality, finally.

Stephanie approaches the bar and the audience starts hooting.  I think it’s because of the appearance of these 2 guys at the counter.  Are these guys from something?  I don’t recognize them at all.  I also can’t tell if they’re supposed to be attractive or sleazy or some sort of combination of those things. Regardless, they each give Stephanie’s ass a good long stare.

Stephanie invites the guys back to the private roped off couches area and calls dibs on one of them (banging dibs) and then he does this weird move where he wipes his mustache off with his fingers.  I guess he’s just trying to get all the crumbs off before she places her vagina there.  What a gentleman!

Joey barges into the boys’ room while they are silently engaging with their screens.  He starts bugging them with some shitty impressions and they’re like, “fuck off.  You haven’t been on tv since before we were born, and even then you sucked shit.”  Joey can’t stand not being the center of attention so he steals all the kids devices and locks them in a drawer.  He then unveils a bunch of Nerf guns and silly string and shit like that because I guess simulating violence is preferable to sitting quietly in your room and watching pornography.  DJ’s middle kid exclaims, “holy chalupa” when he sees all the toy guns.  I’ve tried to avoid any articles or listicles or whatever about this show but it’s been pretty unavoidable to learn before watching this episode that this is his catch-phrase.  I don’t even know what to make of it.  If I hadn’t been warned that he’d be saying it again later, I wouldn’t have even thought about it.  It’s just some dumb thing he says.

Anyway, Joey encourages the kids into having a Silly String battle because he doesn’t have to clean the floors later.

Back at the clizub, DJ and Stephanie describe an old episode of Full House to the sleazy guys and the guys pretend that they think it’s funny because they’re trying really hard to get laid.  Then, all of a sudden, Macy Grey walks in.

Why is Macy Grey on this show?  She had, like, one song, and it was in the late 90’s.  This is even more bizarre than when she was in that Spider-Man movie.  She’s a pretty random one-hit wonder to feature on any show in 2016, but this one especially because it’s all about early 90’s throwback shit and Macy Grey had her 15 minutes several years after the original series went off the air.  Like, if Right Said Fred showed up in this scene, you’d have the same, “oh, they’re still alive?” reaction that you get from seeing Macy Grey, but you could sort of rationalize the appearance by realizing that he was fished from the same dried up pool of nostalgia that Full House was.  You know, the “things that ruined 1992” pool.  Seeing Macy Grey here just has nothing to do with anything.  I’m sure the real answer is that her manager is a producer on this show or something and they’re just trying to promote her new album (spoiler alert: Macy Grey will be plugging her new album shortly) but, even still, I find this guest-spot to be very odd.

So apparently Stephanie knows Macy Grey because they did some shows together or something so she decides to subject the singer to DJ and Kimmie Gibbler.  Another thing about Macy Grey that makes her appearance on the show extra weird is that she has no onscreen charisma whatsoever.  She seems really detached from everything that’s happening.  It’s a very unique brand of terrible performance, which actually sort of makes sense when you consider her truly bizarre singing voice.  Like, it’s not just that her delivery is flat, it seems like she’s in a trance or something, or like her lines are being beamed into her brain from a government satellite.  She’s never really looking at anyone and displays no emotion whatsoever.  This whole thing is just really weird.

After Macy grey abruptly wanders off, the sleazy guys start urging DJ and Stephanie to get grinded on the dance floor.  They ladies say that they’re into it but they need to find some loose, STD-ridden guy in a collared shirt for Kimmie Gibbler, too.  Stephanie says that Kimmie Gibbler should have no problem finding a guy because there’s plenty of “eye candy” in the club and then Kimmie Gibbler sees a guy’s ass while he’s bending over and refers to him as, “butt candy.”

The term butt candy is really disgusting, and should never be used as a joke, especially a sexual one.  Anyway it turns out that the butt candy in question is Kimmie Gibbler’s estranged husband, Fernando.

Fernando sees Kimmie Gibbler and immediately starts waggling his penis at her.  I can’t get over what an over-the-top Latin stereotype he is.  Every single line he says is drenched in Spanish-speaking sexy guy overemphasis.  I was curious about who this actor was and why he was willing to portray such an abrasive cultural stereotype and then I discovered that he played Jesus on some tv series.  I don’t know why exactly but I think that’s amazing.

Macy Grey takes the stage and plugs her new album (I warned you!) before performing her new song, which I’m sure is going to be a really big hit.  Fernando is overtaken by the music, which is a common ailment for Latin stereotypes, and convinces Kimmie Gibbler to join him on the dance floor.

DJ and Stephanie join the sleezy guys for a lengthy, choreographed dance number.  It definitely challenges disbelief to present these dances, which are clearly heavily rehearsed, as something that’s occurring spontaneously between strangers, but as an actual dance number on tv it was not bad.  Stephanie has another moment where she’s really begging the audience to see how talented she is, but, honestly, her moves are pretty good.  I gotta say, too, that Stephanie herself is looking not too shabby.  I cannot endorse fake titties at all, but her overall appearance is worthy of some audience hooting if you ask me.

I knew that Stephanie was gonna pull some “oh my god please look at me” dance moves during this series, but I was really surprised when DJ ripped shit up on the dance floor, too.  Good for her!  Meanwhile, Kimmie Gibbler and Fernando do some much more moderate moves while talking about how they used to win this clubs’ nightly dance competition all the time (you’d think that they wouldn’t have them do a dance that’s way less impressive than the 2 we just saw while talking about how they always win dance competitions…) and then Fernando’s date shows up and is like, “what the fuck?”  Apparently Fernando was trying to bag Kimmie Gibbler right quick while the blonde hoe that he brought to the club was taking a shit, but now the hoe is back and she’s throwing mad shade at Kimmy Gibbler.  For some reason she doesn’t get mad at Fernando for trying to bang someone the second she left the room and puts all her energy into being an asshole to Kimmie Gibbler instead.

Kimmie Gibbler gets all upset and heads back to her private roped off bourgeois section of the club to drink more booze and then her homegirls leave the sleezy guys on the dance floor so they can console her.

Meanwhile, back at the full house, the kids have completely trashed the place during their silly string war.  As they fire shots at each other, they vent their frustrations as well, the best of which is Ramona’s chastising of the boys for pissing all over the bathroom floor.  The doorbell rings and a voice from outside claims to be a pizza delivery and even though the kids haven’t heard anything about a pizza, they rush to answer it.  They must be the easiest to murder kids in America.  It turns out to be worse than a murderer because it’s Joey, who immediately starts shooting them with slime from a Super Soaker (are Super Soakers another throwback thing or are they still around?).  He douses them with slime for a really excessive amount of time and then, as though that didn’t go on for long enough, he shoots rolls of toilet paper at them with this prop comedian toilet paper launcher thing.

He finishes his assault with an impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger, after which the kids just kind of stand there like, “we have no idea who you’re impersonating because we are children and you haven’t updated any of your references since 1993.”

Macy Grey tells the audience about the dance competition because I guess she’s not just the headliner, she’s also the MC.  Kimmie Gibbler says that she doesn’t wanna hang around and watch Fernando win the dance competition with some blonde hoe but then DJ tells her that the two of them should team up and win it with their Dirty Dancing routine from 1987.  The 2 sleazy guys come back and even thought it would make sense to dance with them for the competition, the ladies snub them. The guys decide to dance with each other instead and then they tear their shirts open while the audience goes nuts, which I don’t even know how to react to.  All I have to say about it is that, if I have to have that image burned into my brain forever, so do you guys.

Stephanie talks Macy Grey into performing, “Time of My Life,” and then she sings it with her because why shouldn’t she be the focus of everything all the time?

DJ and Kimmie Gibbler start dancing together and I must say that it is pretty erotic.

There’s totally gonna be some scissoring in the fuller house later.  The 2 sleazy guys engage in an equally homoerotic dance, which is a lot weirder because they’re supposed to be brothers.  They eventually start bickering like an old married couple, which disrupts their pelvic thrusts enough to get them thrown out of the competition.

You guys aren’t gonna believe this, but Kimmie Gibbler and DJ are up against Fernando and that blonde hoe at the climax of the competition.  DJ and Fernando both prepare to be the Patrick Swayze in the lifting Jennifer Grey move and then DJ reminds Fernando that he’ll be causing emotional duress for Kimmie Gibbler if he wins so he throws the move by feigning a toe cramp.  DJ still feels like she has to complete the move for some reason so she enlists the 2 sleazy brothers to lift Kimmie Gibbler even thought they’ve already been eliminated from the competition and were a different team.

Macy Grey announces that the winners are, “these 2 luscious lesbians.”  Whoa!  That was actually amazing!  They really did seem like a couple during the competition, and I’m really impressed that the show actually acknowledged its own homeosexual undertones for once.  They don’t even make a big deal of it, or treat it like it’s an unfortunate misunderstanding or anything, they just kinda throw it out there.  All I ever wanted was for the show to recognize that it’s kinda gay, and it finally did.  I’ma sleep soundly tonight.

Just to ensure that not too much progress has been made, DJ delivers a long, self-indulgent speech to the audience as she accepts her dance contest victory.  She goes on about all the personal life lessons she learned by getting drunk on a weeknight and dancing with her homegirls and then the audience goes, “aww.”  At the end of the scene, Macy Grey says to no one in particular, “what am I doing here?  I won a Grammy.”  Points for self-awareness, yet again.  That was some real shit that she just said.

The kids arrange to dump a big tub full of slime onto Joey when he walks through the front door but the recipients of said slime end up being the ladies returning from their night out.  Nevermind how the kids managed to rig that whole thing, or where all the slime came from.

Stephanie exclaims, “how rude!” and the audience are overjoyed by this split-second  revisitation of their corny childhoods.  The kids aren’t sorry at all about sliming the parents, and neither is Joey.  Before the moms can even say anything, Joey gives them this whole speech about how he brought the kids closer together by ruining the house.  He then starts heading for the door and issues an incredibly condescending, “you’re welcome” to all the adults on his way out.  Wait, where’s he even going?  What time is it supposed to be?  I would assume that it’s pretty late since the adults just came back from getting drunk at a club and winning a dance competition, but the kids are also still up, so maybe it’s only like 9 or something.  But even still, I doubt Joey is about to get on a plane and go back to Vegas right now.  It seems odd for him to just peace out like that.

I’m gonna give the show credit here.  I took Joey’s terrible babysitting and condescending speech to be a tongue-in-cheek acknowledgement of what a useless dickhole he is.  This moment really is a perfect balance of “classic Joey” for Full House fans and “if you really think about, Joey is a complete piece of shit” for people like me, who can’t seem to not watch this terrible show.  What percentage of people are watching this show because they actually like it and how many are watching it just because they’re compelled by how bad it is?  I’d really like to know.  Anyway, the kids all spray slime at Joey with Super Soakers and that’s the end.

I don’t know, you guys, I thought this one was kinda fun.  I liked that they drank alcohol and DJ and Kimmie Gibbler rubbed their vaginas together on the dance floor and Joey was portrayed with some acknowledgement of how much he sucks.  Also, the kids weren’t in it very much.  It’s hard to really evaluate a show like this because it has set such a low bar for itself that you can’t really compare it to anything else.  But, compared to Full House itself, I feel like this was not too bad.  I feel like I need to further justify that statement.  Like, I expected this to be completely horrible and it was just really bad, so I kind of liked it.  I’m doing the best I can here.  Whatever.